DH doesn't believe our marriage is over....

[BrokenDragonfly]

Hi, anyone who can help with this, it would be much appreciated.
I've been married for 10 years, DS is now 9 years old. The age gap between me and DH is 19 years, it was never an issue at first. He is now 53, I'm 34. Things with him were great until about 3-4 years ago. In 2016, he was made redundant from his job and started drinking heavily, being aggressive etc. I had to go back to work full time to pay the bills, working for a misogynist ex-con (which I didn't know when I took the job) who threatened and intimidated all the staff. In the same year, my Mum passed away from cancer. DH barely gave me any support, wallowing in his own problems. At her funeral, I had to beg him to hold my hand! At the end of that year, I took DS and left. Not for long, but just enough for him to clean up his act.
Since then, he has been sober 3 years, and even agreed to some marriage counselling. He has tried, I have to give him that. But for me, the spark is well and truly out. I don't hate him, I don't even resent him any more. I'm not perfect, so I can't judge.
I now work part time in a job that bores me to tears, but at least I have a nice female boss. I have some new career (read: acting!) possibilities opening up for me, but nothing certain yet. The house is in my name (i.e. purchased with money inherited from my late mother), but there's no way I could afford the bills on my own at this point. DH now has a job and is still the primary breadwinner. But I feel like he is weight dragging me down. He hasn't touched me in years because of erectile dysfunction, (but for some reason still enjoys porn!) and is just generally a grumpy old man. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him that I think our marriage is over, he swears blind it isn't, tries for a few days, and then slips back into grumpiness. But I can tell he feels the same way I do, he just won't admit it, I think because of some abstract fear of failure.
I need more from a relationship than this. I haven't even looked at anyone else, but I need more. But I don't hate DH, as I said, and I would hate to hurt him, or DS. But I just have nothing left in my heart for DH other than friendship, and I can't get him to understand that. Also, I'm scared, for money, and will being a single parent scupper the new opportunities that are opening up for me? The acting industry isn't kind to single mothers, especially one for whom the career clock is ticking.
I have no family and no friends to help out. My life until this point has been DH and DS.
I am rapidly coming unhinged with loathing for myself over this, and terror that my life, my real life, is slipping away as time runs out. What do I do?
I know, first world problems and all. Please me constructive, I can't have been the only person to go through something similar to this.

It sounds like you are done. I don’t think you should put your life on hold in the hope that something might come out of your new career. It might or it might not but I think the decision you need to take is about your relationship with your husband.

You are so young that you have a huge amount of your life ahead of you. If you feel weighed down by him now then that feeling will keep growing and suffocate you.

But (there’s always a but) it is hard to do, to make that break. I’m offering a handhold as you’re not alone. I feel I need to leave my very long relationship (have posted in the past) but there are so many things going on in my head (much of it work related so I can understand your career concerns) that make it really difficult to focus.

So I’m offering

@GingerFigs thank you. I know there are people out there with worse problems than me, and how incredibly lucky I am to have even got to the place I am now. You're right, something might come of my career, or it might not, but I do need to address the decision with DH. I've tried in the past and he just brushes it under carpet, claims everything is "fine", and makes me feel guilty because the house is in my name and "where would he go?" He's a good person in a lot of ways, and a good Father, so it works! I am coming out the other side of a minor illness at the moment, so I'm not making any hasty decisions yet in case that's screwing with my head. But agree, things need to be addressed. How long have you been in your relationship, and how do you find the courage to make that final break?

The house is in your name, but you're married, so he has a legal claim on it (and any other marital assets).

I'd make the break sooner rather than later, tbh. A few years down the road his health might nosedive and then you'd be looking at caring for him.

We signed a post-nup after his alcholic pyrotechnics, that states that the house is mine and he's only entitled to a small percentage. Hopefully that will work in my favour!

But seriously, agree with you about the health thing.

Just up and leave. He will never change. He sounds boring and wont improve
Urgh imagine anothet ten years of this. I have similar issues.. upped and left. Best decision ever. So great on your own.. leave him in his misery and you and get on wit your life..your so young !

@BrokenDragonfly been together 20+ years. Nothing majorly wrong, I just don’t love him like a partner anymore. It’s like living with a house mate or brother. We don’t do anything together. I need to at least have a conversation with him but don’t know where to start!

It sounds like you have had multiple conversations and counselling so it shouldn’t be a total shock to him. You’ve come this far...take that next step. As others have said, do it sooner rather than later. You’ve both tried and it sounds like it’s not going to get better. Good luck!!

You are a young woman tied to a prematurely old man. Find a way to move on because this is not going to get any better. Sell the house and get somewhere smaller, or stay and get a lodger - free yourself so that you can live your own life.

Just end it and do it quickly. You're miserable and your child can definitely sense that. Don't waste another day.

Pre and post nups arent legally enforceable in the UK, so i would keep it as friendly as possible, for that and the kids (Obvs!) And try and keep solicitors out of the divorce on both sides.... to "keep it amicable and affordable". Otherwise, you do risk loss of assets.

Make a plan. Then act on it.

I know it's more complex than that sounds, but focusing on planning separately from acting on the plan helps it feel manageable enough to progress it.

Maybe do some work on your sense of healthy relationships and how you model that to your child. Because his routine of convincing you to stay with false promises of change that get dropped is transparently manipulative and disrespectful. (By saying that I am not calling him any kind of monster, nobody is all good or all bad.)

Don't throw your life away.

Pre and post nups arent legally enforceable in the UK

Unless they are unfair they tend to be followed, however.

You need to speak to a solicitor about the post-nap. So - while it may say something - your H will need to be able to house himself and your child when the child is with him.
So - unless there are enough savings for hIm to buy another property - he may end up with a larger share of the house that you think.
Or larger share of other assets, or with very little maintenance for you as he’ll have to spend it all on his new mortgage.

So - if you can’t afford to live on your salary if you keep the house and get little maintenance - then you have to think about what you want.

• It may not be possible to both pursue your acting dream while on a lot lower income and a single mother.
• Or you might have to persevere that marriage a bit longer to give your dreams a go. Possible, if you let go of expectation that that marriage is ever going to make you happy.
• Or, like many do in your place - you might meet someone else and that’ll set some changes in motion.

What’s clear is that there isn’t a Hollywood solution where all things somehow get resolved. Sorry

You're 34 and you've been together 20+ years?

@Hawkmoth No that was GingerFigs! Gosh, imagine....No, only 10 years. @MMmomDD thanks for the talking-down.Agree there is no Hollywood solution for now and I might have to compromise a little longer, but will see what’s possible. Thanks everyone!

Just proceed with the divorce. See a lawyer. Get all the paperwork together. It all takes ages anyway so just start.