Anyone stay with their DH through a midlife crisis and come out intact?

[Barkingdogs123]

A year ago my dh told me that he didn't feel the same about me and that he wanted to leave. This came out of the blue eventhough I felt he had been a little distant but I thought it was work. I asked him to stay and he agreed. Turns out he was messaging a girl at work who he went out with as teenagers. He also was sexting another woman and on sex chat lines. We get on very well together and family life is great but at night he goes into his seedy life. I don't want our family to break up and am hoping that with time he will stop this ego boosting and go back to the kind, thoughtful, gentle, loving man he was. Has anyone ever experienced this and not left? Btw we have been together 18years married 12, 4 dc.

In the nicest possible way, why would he ever stop? He's been given permission to do his seedy shit by you because there have been no consequences to his betrayal. He's having his cake and eating it, and I'll bet my last rolo on the fact that he'll soon be fucking the baker too, if he hasn't already.

I know you're right, I just cannot believe that this is happening to us. We were always such a rock solid, steady couple. This would have been unthinkable to him a couple of years ago. I just feel if we could hang in there for a while longer that he will get bored or get sense at how much he stands to loose..

He hasn’t stopped, even though you have found out?

I agree why would he ever stop. He has your permission to carry on.
You have 4 DC. Is it worth having another chat to ask him to consider what kind of example he is setting his kids?
What about you ? Do you not want a loving partner who cares and loves you be sure he really doesn't.
Essy for us to say but please think about what's important and make plans.
You only have one life, and yours is surely not to facilitate him having his cake and eating it.

Your darling kind, thoughtful, loving, gentle husband has a dark side and he is not afraid to show it.
He is treating you shittily and getting away with it! *
How he treats you , is how he feels about you.
He is going to drag you down. Maybe he is having a midlife crisis, but you need to tell him to stop this stuff and if he doesn't...... you need to kick him out.

Work on your self esteem. Do you really want to be married to a sexting, teenage dating, sex chat lines using arsehole?

If your best friend, turned up at your house and said what her wonderful husband of 18 years was doing what he is doing, what would you say to her?
Take him off the pedestal and put yourself up there instead. You deserve more.

Why would he leave when he can do that and stay?

I know that you are all right and before this I would have thought the very same. It's just such a huge, difficult decision to make. My kids would be devastated, my elderly mother would be heartbroken. I couldn't even consider being with another man especially when my kids are small. I just think in a couple of years would he come to his senses and we could get back what we had. I know I should just let him go and move on with my life but I still would not be happy, I don't think I will ever be happy again no matter what happens. Thanks for all the replies.

My question wasn’t rhetorical. I genuinely couldn’t work out if he knew he’d been rumbled and had promised to stop. Sorry if I sounded flippant, it wasn’t intended.

But I’ll agree with the others’ analysis. He has no incentive to stop sexting these people if you just roll over and hope he decides he likes you best. And it won’t stop there. Eventually he’ll decide that he “needs space” and off he’ll go, probably with one of them. At least if you take control now, you’ll be in charge of the timing and will be a little more powerful. And there is always the chance that the real possibility of divorce will make him realise how foolish he’s being, at which point you go down the counselling route and make sure that he does everything possible to win back your trust.

Doing nothing is not really an option. You can’t live like that.

I was you five years ago. My advice would be tell him to go. Go none contact other than about kids. The stark reality may make him realise what he wants.
I did the opposite. I begged. I cried and I hurt myself mentally. He then had the perfect reason to leave and told everyone it was all my fault as I was crazy. Had I kicked him out he would probably have wanted to come home.

He now lives with a woman who was also married and a good friend.

I am, however, much happier than I was with him now that my self respect is back. He was a classic narcissist

You might find the information & support at Chumplady.com helpful.
Sorry you are in this situation.

Im dealing with the exact same thing... i have no advice... just a hand hold.. a long hand hold.

I started a thread about mens midlife crisis just a couple o weeks ago.... still here in limbo not knowing whats happening. Youre not alone. And whatever happens you will be fine. Your kids too. But nothing takes away the hurt....

In his mind he has told you he no longer wants to be with you and in return for staying he gets to have the family life and not upset your mother, keep up the facade and also has carte blanche to do as he pleases. He must feel like a dog with two d**ks!

You are the one who is suffering and has given away all ground, your self respect will be slowly chipped away. The situation is not making you happy. You aren't really protecting your DC in the long run. They will sense that soemthing is amiss (even if they don't know what) and having a sad perhaps depressed mother in the longer term who is parting with pieces of her soul will not be in their best interests. Yes, you will grieve if you split and it will be a hard adjustment for the DC but better in the long term. Why should you lie/cover for him to your mother and friends. Don't take it on yourself as a guilty secret.

Your H won't come out of this "midlife crisis" and things will never get back to normal as you will both be changed by his actions in the present. You will never trust him in the same way and I doubt he will give up his "pleasures". Get some counselling for yourself to talk through your feelings if you can afford to. You do realise that it is highly likely he will stay put until he has a nest to fly to elsewhere.

But if he came to his senses, would you be able to look at him the same way again? Would you really be happy and forget everything? Carry on as normal? Be fine with the idea that the cheeky shit fucked you and you family over and is now carrying on as if nothing happened?

If the answer to any of those questions is no you are just delaying the inevitable.

Your kids will be more devastated to learn you stayed with this abusive shit bag when they grow up, DC aren’t stupid . He isn’t just betraying you he is betraying them too. You say it’s mid life crisis but that’s just an excuse for his behaviour. Who cares if your mum will be upset, I can’t believe you can sit in the same house as this man knowing what he is doing in the hope he will ‘grow’out of it. God I couldn’t live like that and would have chucked the cheating scum bag out. Your so passive it’s just awful that you think this is all your worth. I hope you can find your inner rage and self respect

Thanks for all the replies, I do think now it is just a matter of time before we split and I just can't believe it. I never thought this would happen to us, my life has changed forever it's the man I loved that has done this to me, I'll never get over the shock of this.

I had counselling @Barkingdogs123. The best thing she said to me was that this was HIS decision. That whatever I did was not my fault. My decision was how I dealt with it.

Please feel free to PM me. You will get through this.

Thank you pieceofpurple.