Secrets from partner..

[JanJC]

So my father in law and I get on well and we regularly chat about various things. A few days ago he told me that my partners brother & his wife were in quite a bit debt (I had a feeling about this) and a gambling problem too.
I know my brother & sister in law are rubbish with money and are always borrowing from my FIL. The thing is, he told me that my SIL asked for money a while ago and he let her use his credit card... which she's maxed out and owes £7,500!! She can't even repay the minimum about and the interest is just multiplying. My BIL has also used my FIL's catalogue and owes £2000 which needs to be paid in 5 weeks, but he's busy gambling £400-£600 per week!!
My FIL has asked me not to say anything to my partner as he trusts me, and to definitely not tell me partners mother. The whole thing is giving me anxiety! I don't want to know about this kind of stuff and I definitely don't want to be keeping things from my partner.
Should I tell my partner??

They say a problem shared is a problem halved but in this case there are no winners.
I’m wondering if he secretly wants you to divulge this to DP . He shouldn’t be placing such a burden on you .
If he tells you more next visit you have to encourage him to share this with his own wife and your DP . Your SIL and BIL are using him in a very unpleasant way and will continue to do so to the detriment of the rest of the family if this isn’t brought into the open . Whatever you do leave any contact with the offending couple to other members of the family . People like them are never grateful for any money given to them and they will definitely turn nasty when they are outed .

I would tell your partner. The fallout if he later discovers you knew and didn't tell him doesn't bear thinking about.

Your main loyalty is to your partner, his dad was REALLY unfair telling you and then swearing you to secrecy.

He's also been really stupid enabling bil & sil.

Really this whole mess needs a light shone on it and the gambling and overspending seriously need addressed.

No. It isn’t your “secret” to share. It’s one thing feeling that you need to tell your partner every single thing that goes on in your own life (which I think is odd anyway) but quite another to think you need to spill the beans about what other people are doing. Your FIL has presumably told you because he wanted to talk to / confide in somebody but didn’t want that somebody to be his son who would likely muscle in and handle the situation aggressively, or his wife who would get very upset and worried and he doesn’t want to cause her that grief.

If you can’t handle this sort of thing, tell FIL that you’d prefer he didn’t tell you any more. If you feel you must, encourage him to seek advice from other family members / your partner / his wife instead. But don’t break his trust and confidence by telling other people when he’s asked you not to. This isn’t a situation where anybody’s health or life is at immediate risk and you have a moral obligation to do so.

I honestly think you need to tell your DH and a family meeting is needed.
Your FIL is enabling all of this.
And his poor DW doesn't even know that THEIR money is being gambled away.
It needs to stop.
Your BIL needs some professional help and support.
Your SIL needs a bloody good talking to.
What a pair of cunts they are. How dare they use your FIL like this.
Everyone needs to know and be aware.
How else is anyone going to stop him from giving more of his money away!

I would definitely tell my DH. His father needs protecting from his other son and DIL and also from himself. He has been totally stupid in letting them have his credit card details. I presume he has confided in you because he does not know what to do. Please get this out in the open so that the problem can start to be resolved.

Somebody is usually being taking advantage of in some way whenever the word secret is used.

IMO you could somehow speak to your FiL and say to him you don't feel comfortable hiding that from your DP.

FIL was wrong to dump this on you. As soon as he said not to tell, your answer should have been Dh and I don't keep secrets from each other.
I have a feeling he's hoping you do tell Dh so he can get some support in getting BIL and his wife to pay off the debts.

I think the way forward is to put yourself in your partners shoes - how would you feel in his situation?

How would you feel in your MIL's situation?

Personally I always think that when people tell you things but swear you to secrecy, it's because they themselves feel lost and need help - but don't feel confident to actually ask. He might be grateful down the line that you broke your promise. But you know him better than anyone here - and if you do decide to divulge, do you think your partner could step in and help, or make the situation worse?

I do feel for you - it's a horrible position to be put in.

I don't think it was fair at all on your FIL to put you in this position. I think you should tell your husband.

Your FIL shouldn't be keeping this from his wife either, does he plan on just hoping it will go away? What if they ask her for a loan or her credit card details and they swindle her too?

You need to get your FIL and partner in a room, then tell your FIL he must tell your partner what the issue is concerning his brother and SIL.

If FIL refuses to tell him or brushes it off, then tell FIL in front of your partner he must not confide in you over serious family matters if he's not willing to seek help from those who can help him.

It is not you job to break your FIL trust as a PP said, but your FIL needs to know he cannot put you in a situation where you know he needs help and not expect you to get it for him.

Your FIL needs help and he needs to tell his wife that he has gotten them into debt. The BIL and wife aren’t going to repay this. It’s something your PIL need to deal with. His wife can’t be blindsighted to this.

I would speak to your FIL and tell him that you aren’t judging him but he needs to tell his wife what has happened. He then needs support in saying no to his son and wife.

I don’t know if your DH is someone who can help in any of this. He might be or he might not. What do you think his contribution would be ?

How old is fil, could it be financial abuse of a vulnerable elderly person?

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate it @Majorcollywobble @Graphista @ComtesseDeSpair @hellsbellsmelons @Whitleyboy @Interestedwoman @Troels @Davegrohlsnewwife @user1481840227 @ColaFreezePop @LemonTT

I've not spoken to my partner about it yet, and I haven't seen my FIL this week either.
My plan is to speak to FIL and let him know that since he's told me I have been worried about the the situation and him & that I think he needs to speak to my MIL and partner about everything.
@spidersonmyceiling he is in his 70's and I personally see it as abuse, they both (BIL and SIL) are taking advantage of him in more ways than one. I worry how it's all going to be paid off!

I know I need to say something as it's one huge web of lies and it's got potentially devastating affects on everyone... especially SIL & BIL as he doesn't know she's borrowed the money from FIL!! They are at risk of losing a lot, but now so is my FIL.

I'm furious with my SIL and BIL and it's hard because I want to say something to them but can't.

Good luck with everything - it's a tricky subject to navigate - but I think that you are doing the right thing

It's financial abuse. He's elderly. They could be prosecuted. You cannot afford to keep this under wraps.

You are wrestling with the burden of this now . It does you credit that you haven’t taken matters into your own hands but have honoured your FILs confidence .
To tell him that the burden is too heavy to carry alone will probably come as no surprise to him - it may even be a relief .
You have been very restrained by not saying anything to SIL and BIL .
Much longer and your nerves will be frazzled . Wishing you well .