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Original poster

I don't know what to do...

16 replies

RLEOM · 30/10/2019 14:42

My daughter turned 1 only 2 weeks ago. Her dad and I are no longer together (split when she was 3 months), she adores him and he's a good dad.

He's asked to have her from Saturday morning until Wednesday evening - she's only ever stayed with him for 2 nights. I don't know how to feel about it or what to do? It breaks my heart that she'll be away from me for that long and there's no way of telling her that mummy will be back. I honestly wouldn't mind if she was 2 or 3 and had some understanding of the situation, but she's still so little.

Is it fair on her to be away from her mum for that long at such a young age?

I don't doubt his parenting and I wholeheartedly believe in them having a good relationship and seeing each other as much as possible, but that amount of time away from me at such a young age just feels too much too soon.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 30/10/2019 14:44

As I am a suspicious cow could it be so he is seen as main carer and can apply for any benefits?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 30/10/2019 14:47

Is that every week? As a PP said, then he'll be able to claim to be her main carer, get CB, claim maintenance from you etc. because she is doing more overnight stays with him than you.

Ludo19 · 30/10/2019 14:47

I think she's still a bit young to be away from you for that length of time if she's with you most of the time. While I don't know your ex personally only you can decide if it's appropriate to have her 4 nights that week.

Winterdaysarehere · 30/10/2019 14:48

He doesn't get to call the shots op. 2 nights is plenty imo.

AnyFucker · 30/10/2019 14:52

I wouldn't be doing that

Weejo39 · 30/10/2019 14:53

That's a no from me too. I wouldn't have been able to do that either and stayed with my ex till son was age two as couldn't face being away from him and not entirely convinced his Dad could cope/ care for our DS properly.

FavouriteSoul · 30/10/2019 14:53

Tell him it's too long. She's only just one, she won't understand why you're not around.

sofato5miles · 30/10/2019 14:54

Every week or a one off for a particular reason? Sors he not work?

rvby · 30/10/2019 14:58

He needs to start with one overnight a week, absolute max, for the next year. Then reassess. She is way too small for a sudden separation from her primary caregiver. He is risking her developing an attachment disturbance otherwise. This is a really really difficult and sensitive time for her developmentally and attachment problems can cause lifelong suffering and distress.

I'd refuse for now and get a court order in place so that you can enforce it if he refuses to return her after one night tbh.

Whitleyboy · 30/10/2019 15:52

Is there a rule on how old a child has to before they can overnight with their father?

Sleepyhead19 · 30/10/2019 15:57

No. She’s too young. A night here and there is fine but that is too long.
He’s wanting to do it so he can claim maintenance or cab/universal credit.

Winterdaysarehere · 30/10/2019 16:06

He could also be avoiding paying any Cms...
Maybe he is trying to get rehoused and using dc to get a 2 bed?.

Original poster
RLEOM · 30/10/2019 16:09

Sorry, I meant as a one off. He has her EOW and she will always reach her arms out to him when he comes to pick her up. She adores her dad and has an amazing bond with him.

It won't be to claim benefits or to not pay maintenance, he just wants to have some quality time with her. As far as single dads go, he's proven himself to be a very devoted dad, especially as of late.

It breaks my heart to say no as I know he gets down about not being in her life full time (despite everything that happened between us, I'd get back with him in a heartbeat, but he's with someone else now). But despite how much he loves our daughter and how much she loves him, 5 days away from me without her understanding why feels like too much.

I've suggested Saturday morning to Tuesday evening but he's yet to reply despite reading what I've said.

OP posts:
Original poster
RLEOM · 30/10/2019 16:12

@Whitleyboy no, there's not. It's whatever is best for the child. My ex has had her every other weekend since we split up when she was just 3 months old. But she was bottle fed, so that made it easier. However, she was still too young at the time and in hindsight we should've waited until she was maybe 5 months old. But I'm glad in a way as it means they've built a strong bond and she is comfortable going to his and staying at his. She adores him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RLEOM · 30/10/2019 16:17

@Weejo39 I know my ex couldn't handle having her when she was 3 months as he couldn't handle the constant crying, night feeds etc. I had to go into hospital when she was 2 months old. He had had her for 1 whole day by himself and admitted he had struggled. So when we split when she was 3 months, I think friends and family helped him on the weekends ge had her. He's brilliant with her now she's bigger, still not sure if he copes well with her meltdowns now, though.

He's

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 30/10/2019 16:38

I think unless you're convinced and confident that he copies as well as you, negotiate another night, but not a continuous stretch.

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