How to get over gaslighting?

[writergirl007]

Hey... This follows from last week's thread.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3722832-BF-of-two-months-annoyed-I-booked-holiday-without-him?pg=5&order=

No need to recap- short intense relationship with "Mr Perfect" soon turned into episodes of negging, picking arguments, gaslighting, controlling behaviour, with episodes of loveliness in between.

I saw the light, dumped him and blocked him.

But I feel like shit. How could I have fallen for him and his superficial charm? I've lost confidence in myself and my decision making. I've just made a really bad decision about something else (irrelevant) when I ignored my gut and copied someone else - and it was wrong.

Before this shitty relationship I would have had the confidence in myself to go with my gut.

How can I get back to my old self (fun, optimistic, happy) instead of moping about full of self doubt? I don't get how he's broken me in just 2.5 months. I have zero interest in him or his motives, I just want the old me back. Any thoughts?

Anyone??

I'm glad you dumped and blocked OP.
Just consider how much he made you question yourself and find happiness in the fact you're not going to have to put up with that for the next 20 years.

He was the problem, not you.
Don't let him ruin your confidence.

You're a clever independent woman who doesn't actually need a man (although I know the companionship is nice).

Maybe just spend some time having fun.
Go to bars and chat to men if the situation arises, but don't let them get inside your head.

It takes time. And doing things you enjoy in your own company again, might help speed it along.

I always recommend a good dance around to good music whenever the feelings of anger or self doubt surface after having had these shitty people in our lives. I think maybe it's the endorphins that just make you feel miles better. And if they don't, just dance until you are too knackered to think lol xD

It will pass. But there isn't really a quick way to get over it and feel completely right in yourself again unfortunately. Its like a fog of sickness... takes time to shake. But in the meantime, 'shake it off' xD

OP, he didn't pull the wool over your eyes for long - you did really well and spotted it and listened to your gut early on - 2 and a half months.

I let it go on for 6 years!

The only thing to do is to keep on trusting yourself. I estimate it will take you another few of months to be back to yourself - don't be hard on yourself. Cherish and love yourself, and be very kind to yourself. You deserve it.

It's not been long since you got rid of him. You'll soon be back on your feet. Go out and see friends etc, get back in touch with the old/real you.

Hugs xxxxx

Thanks everyone. I'm surprised how much it's affected me and I can't begin to imagine how people re-build themselves after years of abuse. It started to subtlely and was so manipulative.

Just been for a run, going to focus on improving that for now.

Has it triggered any past trauma in you?

My last ex was an emotionally abusive gaslighting prick and it was pretty much like a rerun of my childhood. Once I got out and got over him I was still left with the aftermath of the abuse and anger over being gaslighted etc. by my parents while I was growing up.

If you didn't have previous abusive relationships then maybe it's just the shock of realising how bad people can actually be that is making you feel like this. I think when you experience abuse and start talking about it and realise it's not rare at all it is quite a horrifying thing because it makes you worried about meeting new men in the future and how they can be so charming until you're sucked in, it's scary and can knock you for 6.

No previous trauma of this nature. But I think realising how manipulative and convincing men can be has come as quite a shock. What did he think he was going to get out of it?

Yep, it's definitely very unsettling.

As for what he thought he was going to get from it I really don't have a clue, I think those men are generally just insecure twats and are so emotionally unhealthy that all of their insecurity comes out in controlling, gaslighting and negging, because the only way they think they can keep a woman is to knock her confidence and confuse the life out of her so that she starts to rely on him and boost his ego!

Yep it started with negging and I called him out on it. He turned it round somehow and things went on from there. I remember the first negging incident being the first time I had serious doubts about him. He's just an insecure needy twat.

He kept telling me about an ex gaslighting him etc. I wonder if she actually did and it fucked him up so he's started doing it... Or he was the gaslighter with her too. Guess I'll never know.