Lack of sex and intimacy during pregnancy

[JY8819]

I'm currently 7 months pregnant and although I couldn't be happier about the pregnancy its had quite an impact on the romantic side of my relationship with my husband which is having a knock on effect with how well we're getting on.

We've barely had sex all through the pregnancy, initially as I was quite sick during the first trimester so I didn't really mind then but it hasn't really picked up. As I started to feel better during the second trimester I also started to look more pregnant which husband has admitted is a turn off. He says he still finds me attractive but not in a sexual way, mainly because he just thinks it feels weird to have sex when I have his baby inside me but also because my body is different to what he's used to.

I do get it but I know when the baby comes it will be a while till I'll physically feel up to sex and we'll both be very tired so I feel quite down about it as it seems a long way off to improvement. He's always been quite a prude with sexual / womens things...he's fantastic with kids and really happy to be having a baby but is so squeamish about pregnancy stuff and sex. For example he has zero interest in touching my bump and I think is actually avoiding hugging / lying next to me in case he feels her kick.

I can't force him to be ok with it but I feel like the lack of sex is one thing...the lack of intimacy like cuddling / kissing (other than a sterile peck on the lips) is really getting to me. It's made us more ratty with each other I think because we're not close through sex. I just feel very unattractive and undesirable...also have a very high sex drive so frustrated too!

I've offered to satisfy him in other ways but I think he he's just not interested until the baby is here...I feel like he's gotten into the habit of keeping to himself now and just watching porn because it's easier. I don't get the impression he even misses it. If I try initiate foreplay he just says he's tired and gets grumpy if I complain about the lack of intimacy. He has major issues with talking about sex in general, even before the pregnancy but this makes it tough to resolve anything.

It's making me quite frustrated and resentful I think as I've really taken care of myself, haven't put on excess weight etc and I just feel like I'm living with a roommate. Half the time we now sit in separate rooms all night and watch separate things on tv etc...I'm all for 'me' time but it seems constant now, we used to do a lot more together.

I don't know what the answer is really just wanted to see if anyone had been in a similar situation and if it got better! We've only been married a year so this was pretty much a honeymoon baby and things seem to have gone south rapidly! Obviously I love him to bits but I feel like you need intimacy to bond and get along well...even if just more kissing and/or foreplay.

This earns a yikes from me! Can he not put his feelings to one side to even cuddle you? Pregnancy is hard enough without having such a selfish ass for a husband.

Have you talked to him honestly about what you need from him?

Your situation honestly sounds awful.

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy.

We went through some similar issues when expecting our ds. Although DH spoke more to my bump than to me. I can hands down say I know how you feel about the sex. After baby was born it was tough. We both felt hard done by and it took at least 7 months postpartum before we were even intimate again. 4 years later and it's still a struggle only a couple of times a week. Used to be daily. Trying for number 2 now and it's all feeling very scheduled and very frustrating. But, we do love each other. Even if it doesn't sound ideal.

Maybe try a date night go to the movies or go for a coffee. I found that little things were able to bring us closer. I would make breakfast in bed for both of us and started by just putting something easy to watch on TV. (Friends, big bang) and would just eat and laugh side by side. Cuddles began to happen again as we got closer. Planned a holiday that way. It worked as it wasn't baby centric. Whilst on hols we planned things for baby and us but very casually. I also initiated foreplay and little favours for him without any expectations and it did eventually work. I planned away from bed time and 'spontaneously ' . When we did have sex it was from any angle and position and amazing. After a while we were able to properly speak about it. We still get annoyed by it and now have different sex drives and dont always want it at the same time.

Good luck and try not to focus on the lack of sex it may be something deeper. Hes seeing you physically change and with each change baby becomes more of a reality. He may be terrified by everything that comes with baby and the change in relationship. Im not trying to make excuses for him but just relating what dh said to me.

Sadly this appears to be quite common. There's quite a good (though eight years old) article here. I'm not sure you can change him, though you may be able to improve matters.

It must be very tough, particularly so early in your marriage. Plus it's frustrating. I know I was incredibly horny when pregnant particularly during the third trimester.

I can see it must be hurtful (and frustrating) but from what I gather it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or the baby. However if he's out off by your shape I'd ask him if he thinks you're going to go off him as he ages/goes bald.

The only thing I could suggest is a deep and meaningful about how he feels about the whole issue - about your body, about the baby. Is he scared of hurting you or the baby? Does he feel that mothers aren't/can't be sexual beings?

If he gets all prudish point out that it's extremely important to you and if he's not prepared to talk about such a major issue the marriage may not last.

If you talk it over you might not be able to surmount his unwillingness to have sex but he might at least come around to cuddles and kisses.

My DH is the same. I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy and since finding out we've had PIV sex twice and oral once. He says it's too weird for him knowing that the baby is "right there" - it almost feels like the baby becomes part of the act, which understandably is a huge turn off for him.
He became much more willing to be intimate in other ways once he knew that I accepted sex (of all types) was off the cards and he was safe to give me a kiss or a cuddle without me trying to jump him It is difficult, my sex drive has been through the roof since the second trimester. But sometimes on a lazy weekend if I say "I miss you. There's no pressure to have sex but I'd love to just cuddle in bed for a bit" then the reassurance that he's not going to feel pressured / it's not going to turn into an argument makes him much more likely to agree to a cuddle.

My dp is similar in terms of shying away but I can understand as I’m bloody massive at the minute, to be honest I’d find sex quite uncomfortable and if I was on top not fee sexy and if he was on top we would both be worried about squashing the baby.

He needs to give you cuddles and all the rest of it though, that would be my main concern not just the sex side.

My dp gives me foot rubs and is nice to me every day so I’m happy with that

I’m a number of years ahead of where are now. My eldest DC is 4. We had an active sex life till I was 5 months pregnant. After that my H didn’t seem interested, because of the physical changes of pregnancy. Since then we’ve had sex 3 times!!! 3 times for 2 healthy adults in their 30’s! Totally ridiculous. It’s caused a huge gulf in our relationship. Somehow I conceived DC2 when we had sex that second time.

I think similar to your situation, my H took care of his own interests with porn. I’ve recently got back into good shape (probably looking better than before I got pregnant with DC1). My H actually tried to come onto me recently. Like going from nothing for years to suddenly wanting sex. I turned him down flat. I hope you’re able to find a good equilibrium once your baby is born. We haven’t and my H’s decision to withdraw physical intimacy when I was first pregnant has broken our bond. We’re only together till our DC are older. We have a good life generally, but (for me) it’s like living with a sibling. I miss the physical intimacy, but feel too hurt to try to reconnect with him. I hope you’re more successful in this regard

Would reconsider your decision to stay until the children are older. That could all too easily backfire on you because children are perceptive and they will know that something between you and dad is not fundamentally right.

I told him straight that it wasn't good to not come near me when pregnant, my husband was fine once the baby was born.
He went back to refusing to touch me during the second pregnancy and it led to a huge fall out. We made up and that's me done with babies but he knows how he made me feel.

With my first pregnancy I was super excited, thought that dh would think I was the most attractive, cutest thing ever, but although we did have sex and there were plenty of cuddles, I got the feeling he wasn't comfortable, on ds 2 he was the same, once I got really big we would spoon to have sex and even holding onto me, hand over my belly, the baby moved once and he felt it and that was it, total floppy during it, I wouldn't blame him to be honest, but I could not cope with no intimacy , you need hugs and cuddles,

On this pregnancy, we both know that he feels a bit strange , another man that thinks his penis might touch the baby , ffs. We still do it, but its more of a quicky and then a cuddle after wards, once I get bigger I don't think I will want sex as much, but am happy to do other bits. I think its just in mens nature not to find pregnant women attractive, I know my husband loves me and catch him looking at me in a sort of ah bless her she is too cute way but I know it will come back once I have the baby, well it did with other two, so please god this time will be the same.

Thanks for the replies, at least I know I'm not alone in this although Dallygold it does worry me that like you said this will break our bond and damage the relationship in the future. I'm sorry you've had to go through this is sounds like a very difficult situation especially with four children.

I had it out with him tonight but it's just blown up into a huge row. I tried to get more information about what the problem is and said are you just freaked out because there's a baby in there and he actually said he doesn't find me attractive right now. I got very upset and mad at his bluntness to which he replied 'you can't expect me to be attracted when I see you having to roll your weight over to get out of bed'. He's not usually the most tactful but this is pretty special even for him. I've been in floods of tears all night and he's apologised but then got mad because I wasn't 'over it' straight away and he's stormed off and isn't speaking to me.

I know I'm probably very oversensitive right now but I think he's being a total prick and I told him he needs to grow up and get a grip because I need his love and support not to be told that he's too scared to touch my stomach or that I'm unattractive!? I was a size 8 UK and haven't gained too much weight I think it's mostly bump so not like I've let myself go...I don't know why he feels the need to be brutually honest about this.

you can't expect me to be attracted when I see you having to roll your weight over to get out of bed

Are you serious?

Really sorry that you're going through this. He sounds like hes being a knob.

for you OP. That sounds tough, I don't think you are over reacting at all by not being over it straight away! You are carrying his child and he should show you more respect and empathise with how you're feeling!

With regards to sex, me and my DP had a regular sex life whilst I was pregnant up until about 35ish weeks. After that point it was just oral as he was too squeamish about it as having an orgasm gave me sort of practice contractions I don't think we had any sex the last week or 2 before DS arrived as we were scared it would send me into labour!

I think it's quite a common thing for men to not want sex when their partner is pregnant as they get put off by the thought of their baby, I know a lot of my friends partners were the same but luckily my friends didn't really want sex either so it wasn't an issue for them!

I almost put DP off sex when I was about 5 months pregnant as I started hysterically crying half way through because it felt strange I don't think anyone has ever lost an erection as quickly 😂

And with regards to your life after baby is born, try not to stress about it now. Me and DP managed to DTD 10 days post birth as having our beautiful little bundle of joy and seeing one another with him gave us a new found love and appreciation for one another he's now 18 months old and hates sleep and bedshares with me so the days of regular sex are now a distant memory 😂

Good luck and congratulations

@Dogladyxo I know...the lack of intimacy and saying extremely tactless things such as this is making me resent him massively and if I wasn't in such an extremely vulnerable position I'd tell anyone else to do one to be honest! Its the fact that he doesn't get why an apology doesn't instantly make it ok...it's difficult to switch back to normal straight away when you know what's that someone thinks of you

That's harsh and hugely lacking in empathy.

Forgive me for asking or suggesting this, but is there any chance he is on the autistic spectrum?

I only ask as the squeamish element, in combination with the almost unbelievable lack of tact or empathy could indicate elements of ASD.

Or maybe he's just not very nice.

OP, your DH is being an utter shit. I’d question whether he actually even loves you at all. It’s outrageous to speak to a partner the way he spoke to you - it shows contempt and a total lack of consideration for your feelings.
Some horrible men have a Madonna/whore complex. Once you are pregnant, they mentally shift you into the non sexually available, “mummy” category. Sex, for them, is nothing to do with love, intimacy or respect for their partner’s needs - it’s purely physical, to satisfy their own drive.
Other men are just very superficial, and turned off by the physical changes of pregnancy. They only fancy a slim non pregnant woman with no stretch marks, etc.
Yet others do desire their wives, but are afraid of harming the baby. They can easily be reassured, and are anyway still perfectly keen on cuddles and other forms of intimacy.
Only you can tell which category your “D”H falls into.
I am so sorry that he is not only spoiling what should be a wonderful time of love and closeness, awaiting your first child together, but he is risking destroying your entire marriage.
My own (much missed) late DH was enthusiastic about sex throughout both my pregnancies, only stopping when I went into labour. He always made me feel loved and desired, however big my bump got, and was very much a feminist ally and comfortable with female things (such as happily buying sanpro if I put it on his shopping list when I was at work.
I think it’s beyond sad that your partner is denying both of you the joy of togetherness that comes from approaching parenthood, which should be deepening your bond, not driving you apart.
Perhaps you and he need a serious discussion about where your marriage is heading. Because right now, the divorce court is looking a likely destination.

After reading everyone's posts above I felt slightly better, knowing that I am not alone.

I have been married for around 4 years. Me and my husband have been together for 6 years in total so far. Previously I never had a relationship lasting more than 4 years, so I am not very experienced in long term relationships. Speaking of experiences, I found men's interest of sex with same woman falls greatly overtime.

And that was why at first I didn't link my husband lack of interest in sex with my pregnancy. I thought it was maybe that magic time has come, when he starts to loss interest in having sex with me. It only occurred to me recently that pregnancy may be the cause, as I couldn't find any other clues. Nothing else has really changed, we were always quite busy, he did not try to hide his phone or find excuses to go out, and he seemed to act normally around me, so I don't think he has had an affair, nor do I think that he got uncomfortable when I am around.

My first pregnancy 2 years ago went smoothly, I was so excited throughout the process and I don't remember anything regarding our libidos, My husband said we had reduced sex during that pregnancy, I simply don't remember. I thought we at least had a few times across each 2 months interval which are very normal to us. I felt anything fewer than that, I would have noticed.

However this time is massively different. Firstly I am not as excited as the first time around, and also since second trimester I felt my libido went up hugely, I really really crave having sex. However at the same time, into my second trimester, my husband stopped having sex with me. I hinted at him several times already, and each time he says he has a headache, or backache, or he jokes about my physics, and etc. There was once he said he felt it wasn't a good idea to have sex during the pregnancy.

It has been nearly three months since our last sex, this is the longest time so far ever since we have been together. I don't know how much longer it will last. He seemed okay with my last pregnancy, the only differences between my two pregnancies are, last time it was a boy and this time a girl, and she constantly measures a bit small on the scan, I don't know if the gender of the baby can play a role here as well...

Any comments please, I don't know how to cope with it...