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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband won’t defend me

21 replies

Understress44 · 30/10/2019 10:14

I’m sorry if I’ve posted In the wrong place , I’m new to this and just looking for a little advice, I’ve been with my partner five years, we had a date to get married this year but due to my health we had to put it off till next year. Anyway long story short my future mother in law ask my future sister in law to be my bridesmaidhmm I didn’t agree to this and my partner convinced me that it would bring the family closer together and it would make his mum happy knowing she had a pet to play in the wedding, I reluctantly buckled and didn’t say anything.
But now I’ve been getting help for my depression and I’ve started getting my confidence back and yes I did it I put my foot down and told sister in law I didn’t want her as a brilliant and that I didn’t ask , no big deal everything just blew over smile and things were easygoing. I don’t get long that well with future sister in law but I’m civil and invite her round with her partner to keep the peace , so recently the past two months on a social media platform, I’ve been getting abuse after abuse thrown at me , I haven’t responded i simply screenshot then show my partner to see what he makes of it.
This is where I don’t know if I’m in the wrong and il put my hands up and admit if I am , but she’s sneaky the post she puts up never has my name to it but somehow manages to feel directly aimed, I know it is because I’m the only person who hasn’t spoken to her for a while and guess what ? One of the comments was “I know you don’t talk to me but I think your such a #%%”
Anyway here’s the beef I’ve been telling my partner that this has been getting me down making me feel like I not worth anything or good enough for the family, and he either defends her or ignores me , and I right I’m thinking that I need to nip this now ? Am I in the wrong ? Could I do anything any differently? Anyway advice would be much appreciated, and sorry it was such a long thread

OP posts:

wingingit987 · 30/10/2019 10:25

Block her, unfollow her, unfriend her. Then she can carry on saying what she likes you don't know and she won't have any effect on you life except when you have to be civil in person.

ChuckleBuckles · 30/10/2019 10:32

he either defends her or ignores me

Now you know where you are in the pecking order if you marry this man, are you happy for that to be the case OP? Are you happy to always have your DP want to make them happy over you?

Original poster

Understress44 · 30/10/2019 10:33

That’s exactly what I will do , thankyou

OP posts:

Original poster

Understress44 · 30/10/2019 10:36

I know where I stand but I need to let him know where he stands I’ve always tip toe round the issues incase I offend anyone , and no I don’t want this to continue

OP posts:

ChrisPrattsFace · 30/10/2019 10:38

How do you know it’s about you?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2019 10:39

Run away now!
You have controlling MIL.
A fucking horrible SIL who likes to air her dirty laundry in public.
And a DP who can't cut the apron strings, doesn't defend you, doesn't stand up for you and then stonewalls you if he can't be asked to deal with what you have going on.
Honestly.... What is good about him?
What are his good points?

NotStayingIn · 30/10/2019 10:40

I would be very wary going forward. You should have had the initial say on who your bridesmaid is and he completely ignored your wishes. And he isn’t defending you, even though you’ve explained it’s upsetting you.

I don’t really get why he wants to marry you. Surely the person you marry is the most important person in your life. It’s totally fine for him to want to put his sister and mother above everyone else, but then don’t get married. I would have VERY big concerns about him.

(Totally agree with not engaging with future sister in law on social media, however I don’t think that will really be the end of this problem.)

MMadness · 30/10/2019 10:47

You're well entitled to have whoever you'd like in your wedding.

So. You're asking him to defend you. But no attacks are actually directed to you? Privately or publicly on social media?

That's the thing with social media. You're applying her posts to you. If you're not friends with her, how do you know that it isn't directed at someone else?

I'd be reluctant to call anyone else out on my or my partner's interpretation of a social media vague post.

Attack me or mine directly and I'll act. Perhaps your partner is the same.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2019 10:50

What hellsbells wrote.

I would not want to marry such a man. He will never defend you to either his mother or sister because he is far more afraid of them than he is or ever would be of you. He cannot stand up to them and equally does not want to do so because he wants their approval along with a quiet life. Such men do not change.

Susie2008 · 30/10/2019 10:52

Don’t respond to her. I know it’s hard but trust me things will continue like this even if u mange to solve it this tome around. Been married for well over 10 years and I’ve realised done fights are just not worth it! It’s hard because with your depression you will be thinking over things again and again, analysing this person won’t help. Just accept you won’t get along and just be civil. Could you maybe respond to these messages totally oblivious that it’s about you? Like when my SIL says something sneaky aimed at me I laugh it off

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2019 10:53

Understress44

re your comment:-
"I don’t get long that well with future sister in law but I’m civil and invite her round with her partner to keep the peace"

No no no. You are inviting them around for completely the wrong reasons because keeping the peace with difficult and or otherwise obstructive family does not work. Bad behaviours from them should not be at all rewarded.

Original poster

Understress44 · 30/10/2019 10:56

I know that some of the comments were made about me and have only brought up the comments with dp that I know was aimed , and the reason I know they was aimed was due to fmil not knowing I was there when she and fsil where talking about it while drinking , that’s a whole different story tho

OP posts:

headinhands · 30/10/2019 12:17

But wait, you don't know it's about you and you're choosing to look at it which is odd when it's obvious you don't like her. Also 'nip it in the bud'? You want your dp to tell her what she can and can't post (and again you don't know its about you) Just don't read it? personally I don't get the 'you need to defend me' line. I don't expect or need my dp to defend me, unless maybe there was a physical fight? I'd actually feel pissed off with him if he thought he had to when it came to something like this?

headinhands · 30/10/2019 12:20

the post she puts up never has my name to it but somehow manages to feel directly aimed,

then

I know was aimed , and the reason I know they was aimed...

which one is it?

Talk to her yourself if you're so convinced?

AmIThough · 30/10/2019 12:30

You don't know whether they're aimed at you.
You say you invite her round but then say you don't talk?
She could be one of those people who shares these posts that are actually completely irrelevant to her life.
You're basically asking your DP to choose between you for no real reason.

MIL is a dick though

thegreatestgiftthatipossess · 30/10/2019 12:38

I've literally just added my own post about my own DH not defending me. I have no advice, but just here to say I know how you feel.

Original poster

Understress44 · 30/10/2019 12:41

I’ve only ever confronted on the ones I definitely know about (the ones I overheard them actually talking about) I don’t expect my partner to defend me on every little thing far from it I do expect him to try and understand how I feel and why I’ve made the decision to not , communicate with her atm and when I say nip in the bud I simply mean try to talk to her and my partner and put an end to the situation , make things a little clearer from my point of view or just try to find a solution,

OP posts:

LemonTT · 30/10/2019 13:30

Reading between the lines there is a long-standing problem between you and your DPs sister. The suggestion to have her as bridesmaid would seem to have been an attempt by your DP and his mother to resolve the rift. It has backfired and if anything made things worse.

On this issue I think you have all contributed to the worsening situation in your own way. Your DP and mother should not have tried to heal the rift with this suggestion. You and the sister certainly shouldn’t have agreed to it and then pulled out of it. Because you are both sore about this.

Which leads you to where you are now. Your DP probably doesn’t want to get involved again. At the end of the day it is a rift he doesn’t want nor does his mother. It’s one that you and the sister are perpetuating in different ways. In her case, by making sly but non specific comments and in yours, by engaging with it and not ignoring her. The later is a choice.

After 5 years, your DP isn’t going to take sides. He and his mother made their play to resolve things. It wasn’t a good idea but it was an effort to try to end the rift. In my opinion he won’t try again and he won’t choose.

Ending the rift is in your hands and in her hands, equally or individually. I’m not clear what action of yours you want defended by your DP. What are you being accused of anyway?

I don’t think he wants to call her out. At best he will make a gesture but the aggro won’t end with that unless he goes NC with her and alienates his family. Again over exactly what?

Whitleyboy · 30/10/2019 16:28

If you have told your partner that you overheard his mother and sister talking about putting stuff on social media about you and he does not defend you then fgs don't marry him.

He either defends her or ignores you? That is definitely not a good sign of a happy future together.

lexiepuppy · 30/10/2019 17:31

If DP is not sticking up for you now, he probably never will with out therapy.
Research about mother enmeshed men.

Read the book:- When he's married to Mom by Kenneth M Adams.

If he fits any of the types in that book, I would 2alk away now, especially if the MIL and Sil are narcissistic.

My ex narcissistic husband never defended me and the children against his narcissistic mother, not once in 18 years. It will drag you down.
Don't ruin your life.

Interestedwoman · 30/10/2019 17:53

@wingingit987 'Block her, unfollow her, unfriend her. Then she can carry on saying what she likes you don't know and she won't have any effect on you life except when you have to be civil in person.'

I don't see how you can block her if you intend to marry him, or even just to be his partner- to block his sister would be a little unorthodox. You can put her on 'hide' then you can't see any of it but she won't know you've done it and there won't be any consequences, and you won't seem as if you've dome anything wrong.

Your DP, though, should be having words with her- try and be firm with him.

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