Ex friend

[babooshkamybush]

Not really sure what I’m writing this for so bear with me. (Edit - have finished writing and it's long - I'm sorry.)

This morning I woke up to see an email from someone I haven’t heard from in 10 years.

S - as I’ll call her was once my best friend. From the start of high school (I'm in my 40's) until about 12 years ago.

13 years ago I got pregnant (unexpectedly) and 12 years ago I had my daughter and was a single parent from a few months in.

From the time I got pregnant S distanced herself to the point where by the time I had my daughter she had pretty much ghosted me entirely.

At the time I was hurt and confused. I had not just lost my friend but her family who I had also been close to (I was also friends with her sister but stopped seeing her a few months after I was ghosted because I found it too hard - I was open about this with her sister rather than drifting off Btw).

When my daughter was 2 I got back in touch with S and told her I didn't know what had happened but that I missed her friendship and would like to catch up. We agreed to meet but the night before we were due to meet her dad died. She was obviously devastated and I spent some time with her through this as well as going to the funeral. Following the funeral (Having spent a fair amount of time with me over a few weeks) she once again ghosted me.

After that I felt what I can only describe as a mourning process for our friendship. Having lost family and friends, it was genuinely a similar feeling. It knocked my confidence hugely and I basically retreated into myself for a number of years, barely leaving the house other than to go to work. Obviously not all of this is linked to the loss of that friendship but it was definitely a contributing factor - I felt like the person I had trusted the most had let me down. I had needed her when I had my daughter and she wasn't there for me, then she needed me and I was there for her, then she dropped me again when she didn't.

In the years since then I have rebuilt my sense of confidence and am happily married, with step daughters as well as my daughter. My husband knows of S in terms of her being someone who was my best friend once, and the basic outline of what happened but not much else.

So this morning I checked my emails and there was an email from S saying sorry to randomly contact me but she had been somewhere the other day and I had 'Popped into' her head as we used to go there. She then said that she hoped me and my daughter were well and that I was probably married with more babies now. It was signed off as 'all the very best'. (She would know that I was married as while I am not on fb - my sister is and posted a picture of my wedding day a few years back and I'm sure she said that she commented on it at the time.)

I don't know why it has thrown me so much or why I needed to write this but I felt sick reading it. It brought back all the worst memories of her just pretending I didn't exist.

For context we used to live in a small town and so I know she had a baby about 18 months ago (but nothing else - she lives elsewhere now though her family still live there).

It made me wonder what her motive was for contacting me. There was no hint of wanting to resume a friendship. Just that I'd popped into her head. It was the oddest email.

I have already decided not to reply as it doesn't really seem like it's about me in that sense.

Sorry for rambling - if anyone got through to the end of this - apologies - it's a few minutes of your life you won't get back. Any insight appreciated. I think I just needed to write it down to get it out of my head.

Ugh - even longer than it looked on preview.

Op I know it is confusing and stirring up emotions but honestly just delete and forget. No good will come of responding imho 💐

I think I'd briefly reply with a summary of how you are, sign off all the best, and move on.

I’d ignore. You’ve moved on and whilst the friendship was good when you were young, it wasn’t at the end. I’d also block her email so it can’t happen again. Don’t let it drag you into the past and your feelings then, focus on where you are now.

I think having a baby has probably made her realise that she has treated you pretty poorly. She probably hopes that her half hearted attempt at contact will have you trotting over to be friends again (while it suits her!). I wouldn’t reply. You’ve given her a chance when her dad died and she ghosted you a second time. That’s enough. Concentrate on friends that have been there for you..

Thanks all for replying (and getting through that monster of a post). It was sent at nearly 1am so my immediate thought was that the baby was probably keeping her up.

The past is definitely best left there in this case I think. I'm a big believe that people change (for good and bad) but having been through a lot in the last few years (which she would have known about - when my dad died for instance), I know who my friends are right now.

Thank you - deleted!

Good decision

She hasn’t been a good friend. Abandoning you when you had your child and then ghosting you after her dad died. Why risk it again. You are now in a good place. She’s obviously realised that she had a good friend and screwed it up. That’s a shame for her but I wouldn’t risk going there again. Ignore and move on. She’s at that stage of motherhood with an 18 month old where it’s really hard. I’m guessing she’ll want support through that. Why should you though? Where was she when your dad died? It’s all about her. No thank you

well if she's had a kid she's probably wanting more 'mummy' friends to fit into her new lifestyle....and she mistakenly thought that you might be desperate enough to accept the crumbs she deigned to offer you.

I think you did the right thing by deleting the email.

Another thing I have noticed myself - emails and messages sent late at night when people have switched off from their day routines are rarely well thought out. The sender is more likely to be nostalgic, bored, lonely and very likely not to have sent it in the cold light of day which says everything really.

Try to put her out of your mind.

What I have learned is that actions speak much louder than words.You've done the right thing OP shes not a friend and I'd just forget her from now on.Shes an obvious user and you are better off without fair weather friends like her.

I wouldn't reply either. I bet she has found herself a single mum, or some other reason that is her alterior motive for contacting you. I very much doubt its because she feels in any way bad.
If she had emailed and said sorry and with some sort of an explanation then yes, perhaps it might have been worth a chat to clear things up.
She is hoping her email will prompt a reply from you and then she will try to weadle her way in again. She sounds like a bad person.

She might have had a delayed pang if guilt and was sort of seeking forgiveness.....don’t give it. It’s also passive aggressive and patronising “you popped into her head” - like once for 2 seconds in decades - that’s quite insulting.

Ignore. Delete. Block.

Enjoy that closure. Slam the door firmly shut on someone who let you down big time. Your boundaries are better now. Your life is good - focus on the nice people who surround you now.