Hiding debt

[Mumof3babygirls]

I recently found a letter that had been sent to my partner. It was a debt company wanting money, it was a debt from a previous relationship. I confronted him and it’s been paid however I can’t understand why he didn’t tell me abt it! He was short of money in September, I helped him out which I often do but I didn’t know that was the reason why! I have MASSIVE trust issues due to being cheated on during a 20 year relationship and this has started alarm bells ringing... is he hiding other things from me!! So we’ve had a argument. He thinks I’m being unreasonable am I?

So he previously had debt but he doesn’t any more? Don’t get why that would be an issue?

How often are you having to help him out? It sounds as though his debts might be a bigger problem than you thought.

How long have you been together and how much have you given him?

The only odd thing is if he has paid the debt off why is he receiving letters from debt collectors

You're not being unreasonable. I'm in the process of separating from my husband of ten years for a repeated pattern of the very same thing spanning 8 years (together 15 in total)- concealed debt x4 and countless other things around trust,- the lying was too much. Thing is, DH is very silly. He doesn't want to let people down but- unfortunately- it's his wife who has been the most let down.

Follow your gut instinct.

I have MASSIVE trust issues

In that case it is important that you recognise these as your issues and try your best not to jeopardise the relationship or create undue friction due to it. You have the issues and they are for you to deal with.

In respect to this incident, have you had a specific conversation about debts/finances and he has deliberately hid this? If so then I think there needs to be a conversation about what you expect and I guess with your issues something like this could be a deal breaker. If however it just never came up then I'd say the issue is pretty much on your side and for you to deal with but perhaps explain that you don't like unexpected surprises and if he has skeletons in his closet that you'd rather know of them.

Depends on the amount tbh and your situation. Do you live together, own the house together?

DP knows I have debts but he doesn't know the exact amount that I have. He also wouldn't have a go at me if I got a letter about debts cos he's not an arsehole. We don't own yet or share finances so it's largely not an issue.

Hidden debt is bad and if he isn't great with money, he may well not change.

If you are partners, you need transparency over finances and especially the total amount either of you owe and you need not to be tapped up for money either.

You need to be able to talk about money. If you can't, at best you risk being poorer than you need to be and at worst he can continue to run up debts and hide it from you because he doesn't say and you can't ask.

You are quite right to distrust him. Do NOT get tied to someone hiding debts. He will drag you down. For a start he’s not being honest if he’s only just had the debt collector’s letter. Second he’s unlikely to be someone who can manage his finances. So if you have any big financial commitment together you are going to end up subsidising him. Even if you are great with money you are going to end up short. Maybe he doesn’t care about you anyway and just sees you as a meal ticket?

And don’t ever marry a man like this. I am recently divorced. I worked very hard plus raised kids and he spent and lounged around. He has now walked off with 55% of our joint assets while I am left with the kids to support. Marriage mixes your finances and you do NOT want to be leeched off by anyone with a debt habit. He could ruin your credit rating too.

Check his credit report

I had an ex who would deny having debts, even though I had found the letters from multiple creditors. He would still deny it existed. As a result, I couldnt ever see a real future with him and I left (After mulling it over for 3 years).

Oh I see! When you say ‘it’s been paid’, I thought you meant that it had previously been paid off.