What the hell happened to my life? *LONG*

[splendidisolation1]

ALERT ALERT - This post is long. Like INSANELY long.

I have been such a complete and total idiot. Warning: this post is for people with some serious time to kill, people who aren't afraid of long, convoluted stories. I've posted snippets of the situation under different names. If you recognise me, please dont call me out.

I've just read back over a thread I created two years ago. Two FUCKING years ago. Maybe some of you are still around. I need to write all this down in honest detail so I can get my mind straight and ask you for practical help. There's a bit of backstory here and it's important:

I had spent my life going back and forth between France and the UK. I could never make my mind up about which one I wanted to live in. In July 2016, after the referendum results came out, I panicked and moved to France, thinking we might not be able to move to the EU afterwards. I then moved all the way up to the north of France to be with my DP in January 2017. That's where this thread comes in:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying?pg=1

So now fast forward more than two years, coming up to THREE FUCKING YEARS. I should have listened to the advice on that thread. But I still willfully believed I could change things. I didn't move to the city, like posters suggested I should. He said it would inevitably mean the end of our relationship and I still had the thought that maybe something could change. Cue a year of me feeling tearful, isolated and furious. I started drinking more and developed a swallowing problem - you read that right, as in I became so tense, I was having trouble swallowing food, out of fucking nowhere, never having had any issues with food my whole life.

Finally, this spring, it came to a head, with him STILL not agreeing to even the suburbs of the city. I finally managed, after a year and a half, to convince him to move to a village a 15-minute train ride from the city, and so we moved house. We thought it would be a compromise. Yep, that's right. I wanted the city and ended up in the fucking country!

It's now been five months. The house is beautiful. But I'm paying through the nose for a house I don't want, in a place I don't want. Im financially worse off than I was three years ago, which my mum is really pissed off about. I had to do some massive soul-searching. This time here has forced me to think about who I am.

What I really want is to move back to the UK. My time in 'purgatory' has taught me what barriers I have for myself in a relationship. I never knew that before. I'll never erase so much of what I am for the sake of a relationship before. I say he's a nice guy, and he IS a nice guy. He's comforting and warm, I feel respected by him. But he hasn't listened to me, has he? He has been unwilling to try any kind of significant compromise for the sake of 'us', and so I've been a fool trying it on my side. Even this house in a village nearer the city - it sounds like a compromise for him, but really it's just an extra 15 min drive away from his family, and a house he could never have afforded alone.

For awhile, I tried nagging and cajoling him into moving to a different part of France, but who was I kidding? He couldn't even contemplate moving 30 minutes up the fucking road, so that was never going to happen. So I gave up. Now, living in this house in the village near the city, I don't even talk to him about how I feel about it, or about wanting to move back to the UK because I know he will just stonewall me. And as nice as he is, he just doesn't seem to be willing to help me. I pay way more of our expenses, because I earn more. But he only works 5 hours a day, and its in his own small business he has - I've given him ideas for upscaling it and said I would help, but he doesn't want to, because upscaling it would require moving it out of the village where all his childhood friends and his mum and sister live. Every day, he goes and eats lunch with his mum. All his business stock, he stocks at his sister's. Even when we moved to this house in the village nearer the city, he's never suggested coming into the city with me, ever. He just keeps commuting back to his childhood village. To make matters worse I was supposed to be all happy and enthusiastic about hanging out with his friends, who all have kids and have never left the village and think I'm weird, and his family too.

Again, with the niceness - nice on one level, but on another, weirdly ununderstanding. I can't help but think that maybe if I was the one having everything my own way, I'd be pretty relaxed too. But it's almost become a kind of "joke" with us that I'm crazily over emotional. He doesn't seem to understand that my rage has often spilled over and been expressed in unrelated things.

On a day to day basis our relationship is pretty smooth and comfy feeling. Just as long as we don't talk about the future. I get it now. Back when I posted in 2017, I was still trying to figure out how to change him. But now I understand he's not going to change. We won't ever move.

I started a writing group in the city and that has given me some new friends. Also, my time in 'purgatory' gave me another amazing thing: the sheer fucking boredom and desperation to finally write the novel I always said I would write. It's written. I'm now just editing the first draft. And I've been taking the Eurostar to London once a month for a writing group. The time in the UK has taught me that no matter how much I love France, the UK is where I want to be most of the time. I miss my friends, pubs, writing buddies in my own language.

At the same time though, because I moved around so much as a kid and adult, I reckon I'll always have that grass is greener mindset, and I'll always be reluctant to fully shut the door on one or another. And in that sense, Brexit put a fucking spanner in the works. Where I once could just have upped and left safe in the knowledge I could come back anytime, that's not the case anymore.

So here's my plan:

• I want to hold on for another 9 months by which stage I could get French nationality before I go
• I want to think about buying a house in the UK straight away: is this even possible when you're not living there? It would just feel better than returning back almost as if the last 3 years hadnt mattered, back in a rental on my own aged 32 and with fucking nothing to show for it!

My partner could move back to his village and because my work is remote and the Eurostar is so handy, we can go back and forth and have something of an unconventional relationship: unless it doesn't work, and I guess that's that.

Am I being stupid though? I dont think I am. But am I throwing away some French countryside idyll with a nice man? I want to do this though. It feels right. At the same time, I feel sad and like I've somehow failed.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading it. I just needed to get it all out. It's been kinda like 2.5 years of hardcore psychotherapy for myself. I've felt really alone and confused and angry. My life now is literally unrecognisable from 2016.

I guess what would be helpful is if anyone can say whether I'm doing the right thing, whether they've experienced similar. Also, it is a good idea to try and hang on for citizenship first, right? I dont want these years to have been for nothing. What about the buying a house thing and mortgages? Also, should I talk to him about this now? Is it necessary? He's going to be so shocked and hurt.

Do you want French citizenship? Obviously it's useful it's something you actually want, but I wouldn't go for it just for the sense of not having wasted the last few years. It's almost a sunken costs fallacy - invest 9 more months so that the previous years are not for nothing.

Ultimately the only thing that matters is what you want, which makes it hard to help you decide. Some people will think you're mad for not wanting rural southern France, but if it's not for you if doesn't matter a jot what they'd choose.

Is the issue the sense of failure and proving to others that there was some value to your escapade even if it ultimately didn't work out? Because we all fail at things in that way. Every ex is a failure of a relationship if you choose to frame it in that way. Or this could be a very valuable and well spend chunk of your life that helped crystallise how you want to spend the next chunk. And to heck with what others think because they always think something about what you're up to.

It's OK to walk away right now if you want to. It's OK to not.

I skim read... Some thoughts I had...

It doesn't sound like you and your partner are compatible at all. You are not throwing away an idyll because you're miserable there. Have you read Posy Simmond's Gemma Bovary? You should!

Getting citizenship in France is definitely a useful thing, but making personal life decisions based on Brexit probably isn't the best thing to do. Brexit could take years or might never happen or who knows what... Whereas you are alive now and life is short.

Seems to me the only way forward is to end the relationship which is clearly making you unhappy. From there you either rent somewhere in a French city for a year and see if youre happier that way, and get citizenship along the way. Or move back to UK and look for somewhere to buy. Or any number of other paths and opportunities which will open to you. However lovely he is, your partner sounds totally unwilling to compromise, and as such is holding you back.

You have not failed in the slightest. You've lived adventurously! 32 is a fantastic age to let go of a relationship that no longer fits you, to follow your passions (congrats on writing a novel!!!), and to be bold.

I remember your story, in fact I was thinking about it a few days ago when my dh was telling me how much he hates London.

You’ve given it a good go, now it’s time to follow your heart back to a city, most likely London.

It seems from your post that you feel that you ought to be enjoying your rural French life. And that French citizenship will benefit your life. Unless you plan to live there, why give up another 9 months plus of your life to gain it? You can still travel freely as a visitor post Brexit.

Your partner sounds at best, nice, and at worst stubborn, idle and small minded. If he wasn’t French, and you weren’t in France, would you look for that in a man? I guess I mean that the ‘otherness’ gives may be like a romantic lens? You don’t really sound that in to him.

Making the decision will be the hardest part, but just think how much better you’ll feel about yourself and your life once you’ve done it!

You are 32. It might not feel it, but that's young! You have gained more insight than most. You are NOT happy. I don't think another 9 months of unhappiness is worth it, though if you can imagine a happier place in France, go for it. I think what screams through for everyone reading this is that this is not your life's partner. It is not going to end well. End it now. You will be happier. I'm no expert but I'm sure you can buy while abroad but look into it, it's not hard to find out.
Do something, ditch this and do something. Stop agonising.

By the way you covered your tracks well. I remember your posts and I had no idea you were in France I imagined Bristol for some reason!

Oh dear. I am sure it is far too complex a situation to condense into a post, even if it was a very long initial post.

The only useful thing I can say is: Don’t wallow in regret, that is the greatest waste of time, and will make it difficult for you to make the next move because you’ll be so cautious about avoiding further regret. You’re young. You’re pretty mobile (job / kids wise). You’ve learned many things in this time abroad. There isn’t a right or wrong choice in your situation I think, both choices have benefits and sacrifices, who knows how your life will unfold? Therefore choose what your heart tells you to, when you’re sitting most quietly, without anything from the past encumbering you and without planning too far into the future. Choose the option that you look forward to the most, rather than what conventions / family / friends / partner tell you to do because you’re the one who has to live in that choice. If you can see a way of spending your entire life with this one person moving back and forth, carting your possessions and children with you, then there’s still a chance you would succeed. If you feel only dread then don’t overstretch yourself trying to work around the issues - things fall apart a lot more quickly when you throw work stress and children and schooling and getting older (caring for parents etc) into the equation.

Why not move to the UK for a few months while you’re doing your novel editing (congratulations!) - long enough to see how you feel in a city and out of the country and to also assess how your partner responds to this? Is he suited to all this moving about? He might say yes but you really can’t tell until you see it in practice.

Life choices are huge and usually need a degree of compromise. So far you’ve compromised a lot more than your partner has. If it becomes too taxing for him to visit you in the city even during this time, then I think it shows that your plan of unconventional distance relationship will not work out smoothly in the longer term.

Likewise, if you spend the few months here and feel such dread as you consider going back, then you’re definitely not going to happy doing the long distance commute - you will never feel like you can settle down.

pog100 me too, I imagined somewhere in the North East of England

You sound very very high maintenance (and dramatic!)

Your partner has been utterly straight with you. He has never wavered. You have moved here there and everywhere trying to find happiness but blame him for not doing the same.

Honestly, you’re all over the place. The truth is you aren’t compatible. He has his thing. He has his village and his life. You don’t. He’s happy and you’re trying to ruin that. Personally, if I had what he had I wouldn’t want to move either! I feel jealous of his wonderful life. I’d love that and no way somebody like you would change it. Having those childhood links/ties is an absolute blessing. What a lucky man. Stop going on at him about it. He’s not moving to the city. He’s got everything and he’s not giving it up. You need to find your thing. You hate living in the country. Move. Simple. Say “sorry but I’m not happy here and I want to go home” then do it. You’re young! Don’t waste it. Stop prevaricating. You’re coming back to London for a monthly writing group?? That’s ridiculous. You want to be in London. Just blimmin well do it.

Get your citzenship, then leave. You've tried, you really have but get something tangible from this. Don't leave now and make it a dramatic waste of time. You are still young.

And your OP was only so long because of all the fluff: buckle down and start editing.😉

I feel rather sorry for you, OP. It sounds like you are a restless person with inner turmoil who always thinks the grass is greener or that you are missing out on something wherever you are. I think you should either stay where you are, find the good in it, make a life there and find yourself there and work on achieving inner peace.

Or leave him, or go off and find yourself, travel and work your way around the world in as many cities as you like.

He knows who he is and where he wants to be, and he won't change, so either you accept that or you don't.

You have wasted a fuck ton of your life waiting for him to change. He has been very clear that he's not going to change, and yet you still cling on to a relationship that just doesn't work. End it and do what makes you happy.

Jeez op! In the nicest possible way, you sound like an 18 year old! After all that, you still talk about maintaining the relationship! Its that that is the one thing that must end asap!

I would also hate it if my dh were wedded to his childhood village. Thank goodness he isn’t. He’s French. His relatives live there or within a 20 min drive. Too insular and claustrophobic for me. Cousin moved from somewhere 20 mins away to be her mums NdN etc.

You really don’t sound compatible. Neither DH nor I want to live in the city. He would live more rurally but I said no for links and having a child, which was the right choice due to my health and dds personality. We are all dual nationality now and in the U.K..

As you’ve been in France for this long, you need to stick it out whether it’s on your own or with your boyfriend. If you change address again, make sure you have a really good paper trail to prove where you lived. It adds an additional complication.

Idk the stipulation for people living in France applying for citizenship. Do you need to take the verbal and multiple choice tests? If you do, you could take them now perhaps. They last 2 years. Then there’s your birth certificate and perhaps other documents to translate. These only last 3 months from the date of translation, allow a couple of weeks for this. You can, however, ensure you have them all in English so you’re ready to roll when you’ve got everything you need to apply.

As for buying a house in the U.K., when DH and I did it a decade ago, you couldn’t get a residential mortgage without a residential address in the U.K., which you don’t want as it will jeopardise your desire to get French citizenship.

You could look at getting a buy to let. For this, you need to be earning approx 25k minimum and a healthy deposit of no less than 20% of the value. And you have to have the correct loan to value to ensure the rental payments cover the mortgage payments. It is more complicated and not all lenders will touch you as you live abroad. This is all my experience as a btl ll. In any case, you need proper advice before you go for a property. Sitting empty isn’t an issue apart from things like insurance, notably buildings insurance. If you then want to live in it, you’d effectively need permission from the lender. They wouldn’t be likely to refuse as the interest rates are normally higher on a btl than a residential mortgage.

Of the two things OP, which is the most important to you:

Moving back to the city or continuing the relationship?

As you cannot have both. If you move back to London you cannot expect him to be ok with now having a long distance relationship. If you go, its need to be a clean break, for both of your sakes.

He doesn't sound awful for not uprooting his life (and business) to move to the vibey type of life that you obviously prefer. Hes always lived there, so my first thought is that he would be unhappy there, so wherever you live together, one of you wont be happy.

So in a nutshell, decide which is the most important.

But am I throwing away some French countryside idyll with a nice man?
No, you're not, because you fucking hate it. You are not going to magically transform into someone else who loves it.

I would not buy on the UK without living here, because you need to love the place. Don't jump into buying out of reflex and because of pride/loss of face. Find the right place, take it slow.

You are 32 years old. That's young. Being in a position to blithely talk about buying somewhere on your own at 32 is good, catch yourself the fuck on.

It is doubtful the relationship will survive this change. But life is too short to drive yourself nuts for the sake of a man. You're incompatible at base level. He'd be happier with someone who loves his lifestyle and can fit into it. You will be happier living the city life and not trying to be someone you're not.

You sound like very different people. 15 mins from the city does sound like a compromise for him but it clearly isnt enough for you.

Staying for 9 months to get French nationality doesnt sound viable plus it is 9 months til you can apply but it might take as long again to get it.

Why would you want citizenship if you want to live in UK?
Why do you want to be in a relationship where your goals are so incompatible? He may well be a nice guy, but you want very different things.
IS he that nice?

You've made some choices you now wish you hadn't made. So what? That's true for everyone.

Don't wallow.

Dig deep and discover what you REALLY want.

Not what you think will 'justify' your 'mistakes' but what you really want. Then do it. Now. Today.

For me, your relationship doesn't work. You're so young. Mark it down to excellent experience and move on.

Lots of love

You don’t fail at life. You take paths, gain experiences and insights etc. You certainly haven’t wasted your time whatever you decide next because it’s helping you decide what is and isn’t important to you.

I’d probably come back to England and rent for six months to get a feel for the areas you want to buy in and be back where you want to be. Then you can move into the next part of your life.

My naturalization took 18 months in Caen. I'd been here 20 odd years at the time with 2 French born kids. It can be a long process. If you have a French employer that makes it easier as it's just pay slips rather than all your own company financials or whatever.

OP - you have a serious case of sunken fallacy cost.

You and your DP do not sound compatible. At all.

You clearly both want different things from life. This is not going to change. This hasn't changed for years - it will never change.

You clearly are not a priority for him; that's his prerogative. But you are both just coasting along, neither on the same page, neither having the same desires in life.

If you left, yes, years have gone by, but you say you miss the UK - do you really want to always wonder "what if?".

I didn't read the first thread but it sounds like a great basis for the plot of your next book. Well done on the first one.
Yeah don't tie your brain it knots trying to second guess Brexit. Still though, if you want to "always have Paris" it is likely worth sticking it out for citizenship.

I’m surprised you’ve lasted so long together, he sounds happy and settled and you’re a restless, grass is greener elsewhere type. You might never settle.

You should split up with him now which will allow you both to move on. You both deserve not to be in this relationship, which is going nowhere. I would personally then move elsewhere in France and hang in there until you get citizenship. You can use this time to work out where to go and what to do next.

Ooh, 18 months for naturalization? How much do you want to have Paris as an option? Hmmm. If citizenship is just in the "quite nice to have but likely never use it" bracket and ciuod take years then fuck it and be happy now.