My mother’s sleazy DP

[HPLovecraft]

Background history: my mum and I aren’t especially close due to some emotional neglect and her putting men first. But I love her and try very hard to make the relationship ok. She has been with her DP for around 20 years. I will call him A.

About 5years ago DH and I had a birthday party for our very young DD, hired a church hall and a children’s entertainer. As soon as the entertainer arrived A was quite taken by her, making comments about fancying her etc. My best friend P and her husband had turned up early to help us set up and were obviously quite shocked by A’s behaviour, at first laughing nervously but then with disbelief. A is early 60s now so would have been late 50s then.

As the party continued with games and activities etc A continued to behave in a sleazy way, going up to the front near the entertainer and looking her body up and down etc. She looked mortified, as was I, and DH and P spent the rest of the party trying to distract him and keep him away from the entertainer. DH wanted to tell him off but I knew it would cause a scene with my mum so begged him not to. Everyone at the party was aware of the behaviour and I caught some crying with laughter. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. It seemed quite out of character behaviour for A at the time, and I put it down to the fact that he never had kids of his own and didn’t know how to behave at a child’s party. Never invited him to a child’s party again.

Fast forward 5 years, I mentioned something to my DM in conversation about my friend P, general chit chat. DM then says that P makes her partner A feel uncomfortable. They have probably only met each other briefly three times in total so this surprises me. DM says that it’s because at DDs party 5 years ago P was flirting with A and fluttering her eyelashes at him, and it made him feel awkward.

I was aghast at this and said, he made everyone feel uncomfortable that day as he was perving over the entertainer, and if P was talking to him it was because she was trying to keep him from doing what he was doing. My mum said she remembered but went quiet and changed the subject.

This man is deluded in thinking my friend fancies him. He is on his 60s and she is in her 30s and married. My mum is also deluded for bringing this up with me. He is gaslighting her - he was the one who caused problems at the party, not my friend. It’s also brought up memories of how he ruined my DDs birthday.

My gut instinct says he’s a massive wrong-un. What do you think?

DH wanted to tell him off but I knew it would cause a scene with my mum so begged him not to.

This was your first mistake. You should have allowed your DH to tell him to get a grip of himself.

Everyone at the party was aware of the behaviour and I caught some crying with laughter.

Remind your deluded Mother of this fact, that everyone else saw a different version of events, and how humiliating his behaviour of leering of a young woman was for everyone.

My mum said she remembered but went quiet and changed the subject.

Your Mum knows exactly what he is.. a disgusting cretin.

Try not to feel down OP, just continue to excluding this idiot from your family events. Your Mum will stay with him, and delude herself into believing other woman fancy him... quite sad really.

Gross.
His behaviour probably should have been highlighted at the time though. I feel sorry for the entertainer she shouldn't have to put up with that crap while working.

Have any other incidents happened or was it just at this party?

Well she's been with him 20 years. There are several disgustingly sleazy old men in my extended family circle - there are lots of them about unfortunately. You can't just cut them all out (also unfortunately), so the only thing to do really is minimise contact as much as possible and manage the situation best you can when their presence is unavoidable - by blocking, distracting, ridiculing, and ignoring where appropriate. Unless you think he's actively a threat to others, ultimately he's just making himself look like an old fool.

I do agree that his behaviour should have been challenged at the time, I was more of a people pleaser back then and I’ve become more assertive since. We had spent a lot on the party and I was just concerned with smoothing things over. I feel terrible for the entertainer, I gave her a big tip and said sorry but I’m sure she thought we were all dodgy.

No other incidents like that have happened to my knowledge. It was very extreme. Like he thought he was at a strip club leering at a woman when he was at a children’s party with 20 three and four year old girls. It was completely inappropriate. Never seen anything like it.

My gut instinct says he’s a massive wrong-un. What do you think

Yep

Yep a wrong'un.

'My mum said she remembered'

So, she acknowledged his behaviour, after you said what actually happened, and that her partner was inaccurate in saying that about your friend. Your mum pretty much admitted there that her partner was deluded/talking shit. Well done mum! She got it right (for a change?)

I hope you live free of further drama from this nasty, sleazy man. xxx