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Relationships

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Original poster

14 year age gap

25 replies

GrammerPedent · 29/10/2019 16:04

In a nutshell... I am attracted to a longstanding friend of mine. He is 14 years older than me. This has, thus far, held me back from considering a relationship.

The problem with considering the ins and outs of the age gap is that it forces you to think about serious relationship issues when really you want to not be thinking about the serious stuff before a relationship has even begun.

Children (in terms of having them together) wouldn't be an issue.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Kayjay2018 · 29/10/2019 16:13

@GrammerPedent i have a 14 year age gap with my now DH. He was apprehensive of the age difference at first but then we discovered neither of us really act the age we are anyway. We have loads in common, been together 3 years, married for one year and expecting a baby together next May. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason and age should not stop you making a go of things. Think that in 5 years time you may regret not doing anything but are unlikely to regret giving things a try. Oh and despite him being older my parents adore him and so does my 15 year old DS!

Good luck

managedmis · 29/10/2019 16:13

Why would it be a problem?

Redtartanshoes · 29/10/2019 16:16

It depends whether you have a similar outlook on life and will continue to do so. My ex head similarly aged which was fine to begin with, but he aged very quickly and we grew apart. That however might have had nothing to do with age gap and more about us as people

Original poster

GrammerPedent · 29/10/2019 16:16

Because we are at slightly different stages of life managed .

He has grown up children; I have a young child.

He is starting to think about winding down towards retirement; I still have a 30 year mortgage to pay off.

Actually, more of my reservations come from risking a good friendship when I think about it.

OP posts:

DullPortraits · 29/10/2019 16:17

Unless you ( or them) are under 18... who cares what age gap you have? 14 years is nothing!! Be happy 😃

hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2019 16:34

In that case, is he even interested?
I'm over 50 and the thought of being with someone with young kids etc.... is a no no for me.

If you already know he's interested and you want to go for it then just do it.
You don't have to live together or get married.
Enjoy it for what it is to start with and see where it goes after that.

quirkychick · 29/10/2019 16:40

We have a 14yr age gap and have been together 17yrs with 2dcs. We did meet at a similar stage in life, dp was ready to settle down and we'd both come out of long term relationships. I don't think the age is as much a problem as wanting the same things from a relationship tbh.

Minzee · 29/10/2019 16:56

I'm 20yrs into a large age gap relationship. Multiple kids. Things change. When the older partner gets past a certain point the gap becomes glaringly obvious.
Back then I thought all the same things that previous posters have said, it didn't matter etc. There comes a time when it does matter!

CloudyWithAChance2 · 29/10/2019 17:05

@Minzee

Can you expand on the things you refer to that do matter?
Just interested to see whether they’re possibly things specific to your relationship (e.g. your older partner not looking after himself or sex drive) or age gap in general

respectthebanana · 29/10/2019 17:25

I've recently separated from my husband who was 17 years older than me after 13 years. When we got together he was early 40s and I was mid-20s and we were at similar stages in life. However, we grew apart over the years as he lost his youthful outlook and eventually I realised that if I didn't walk away now in 5 years time I'd be in my early 40s and he'd be 60. That gap seemed insurmountable. I wouldn't enter into another age gap relationship to be honest, I'm sure they can work depending on the personalities involved but it feels to me that the odds are stacked against them.

Strawberry72 · 29/10/2019 18:43

We have a 10 year age gap. He is 57 and I am 47. However, I am a young 47 - look and act younger. He is an old 57! We are at completely different stages in life and things are very different to when we met (aged 23 and 33). We have 2 children (15 and 11) but to say I have drifted away is an understatement. I have been very unhappy for quite a while. But, like someone else said it may be more to do with us ass individuals rather than the age gap but I have had serious regrets about my choice.

Strawberry72 · 29/10/2019 18:44

If I leave and got someone else it would be someone very close in age to myself!

Sleepyquest · 29/10/2019 18:45

Same age gap between me and DH. Has never been an issue

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 29/10/2019 18:53

DH and I had a 22 year age gap, we were together for 20 years. When we met he was a single dad in his 40s and I had no children. We had DS early in our relationship and were happy for years. He was diagnosed with cancer at 59 and i spent his last 18 months caring for him. If I had thought that in advance i would have been horrified to be a carer in my 30s, but when it happened it was just natural, because if I had been unwell he would have done the same for me. I didn't anticipate being widowed either. However I can't regret anything, he was my soulmate and I adored him. I feel happier for having lived with him in my life, and just wish we could have had longer together.

JessicaRarebit · 29/10/2019 18:56

I really don’t see an issue with it. Most of my relationships have involved large age gaps and it’s just never been an issue.

I don’t think society has much of a problem with age gap relationships nowadays.

Love is love and that’s it.

GoodGriefSunshine · 29/10/2019 19:43

That someone has been alive more or fewer years than you is really pretty irrelevant in the big picture. Everyone's experiences are so different. A child could have experienced more than an old person. Live. Love. Be happy.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 29/10/2019 20:03

23 years together and counting with my 14 Yr older dh.

Unluckyinlove2019 · 29/10/2019 21:47

There was a 14yr age gap between me and my now ex DP, him being older.

Age was not once an issue in our relationship and wasn't a factor in us splitting.

My thoughts are, if you click with someone, have the same outlook on the important stuff in life and trust then you're well on the way to having a happy fulfilling relationship... age doesn't influence that.

Itsjustmee · 29/10/2019 23:01

My mum and Dad
52 years this year
My mum is 11 years older than my dad

CrotchetyQuaver · 29/10/2019 23:19

I'd say go for it and see what happens, you just never know. My best relationships have been with older men, the greatest (and my soulmate) was 17 years difference. My husband is 11 years older and we have been together over 25 years now.

I'd say go for it, you just never know!

Interestedwoman · 30/10/2019 00:09

I had an OH 14 years older than me, and it did cause problems, but then he also had serious health issues.

I think partly age insomuch as stage of life does matter. The issues based around different life stages were most apparent when I was about 27 and my ex was 41. I still wanted to be out dancing etc sometimes and stuff and he tried to say I was too old for it. He also had more sedate tastes, like liking tearooms etc and the countryside.

As time went on, I did start to find him less physically attractive.

With my current lover, I'm 42 and he's 52. Now I'm not 100% 'young' or kind-of-young myself, it's not a big deal as we're both mostly on the same page.

RantyAnty · 30/10/2019 01:57

I think you are just at different life stages. Like you said, his DC are pretty much grown and yours is little.

I know you said having more wasn't an issue but for some that may be a big issue when theirs are grown and the woman would like another one.

Both my marriage had pretty large age gaps and I wouldn't do it again.
1st he was a lot older. I became a young widow in my 30s.
2nd he was a lot younger. He turned out to be a cheating twat.

These days, I would go for plus or minus 5 at the most and same life stage.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2019 09:32

How about talking to him and seeing what his thoughts are for the future.
You may be right but to automatically assume what he feels and he will act based solely on his age, may lose you the chance of a happy and fulfilling relationship

GOODCAT · 30/10/2019 09:51

I'd say hold out for someone your own age. As people say above the different life stages makes a bigger difference the older you get.

We have an age gap and he will retire 12 years before me. He will be having all of the adventures of new retirement without me. I will not enjoy having to go into work when he is having fun and he will have to carve out a different life without me being fully part of it. His friends without an age gap are planning all of that together.

In my early retirement he is likely to have slowed down physically if not mentally and I won't get my just retired adventures in the same way.

I don't regret it, but if I hadn't got involved with him, I would have found someone my own age and wouldn't have these issues. I didn't actually realise what the gap was when we first met as he looked a lot younger.

MOTU · 30/10/2019 10:09

I think the grown up kids vs young kids will be one of the biggest issues. my husband is 15 years older than me but we have always been at the same stage of life (he was a massive slacker before we got together) so careers, kids and everything else, we've done together at the same stage. i think your comment about ruining a friendship is also very telling, it would never even cross my mind to not get together with someone for this reason if i was really into them.

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