How did you chose a skilled partner?

[RosieS78]

I’ve been meaning to ask this question for a while. I suppose because I’ve not long ago celebrated a big birthday and I’m feeling a bit reflective. I’ve had 9 sexual partners in total (I’m female, they’ve all been male) and they’ve all been pretty dreadful in bed. I do appreciate that it’s a shared activity, but I almost wonder how I can improve myself if my partners haven’t been skilled/experienced themselves?

Of the 9:
4 were young and very inexperienced at the time
1 was 10 years older and lazy!
2 were late 20s and had ED (I think this must be alcohol related, rather than age)
2 had very small assets and I’m not sure had had much practice or developed other skills to compensate!

So now I’m questioning if I will ever have mind blowing sex? I think I’ve been reading too much mummy porn lol 😂

All of the guys I have slept with have been handsome, intelligent, engaging, physically in shape, good chemistry etc. Similarly there was mutual attraction on their parts (some quite sizzling chemistry before we ended up in flagrante). I’m not sure how else I can assess in advance if someone would be a good partner inside the bedroom. I don’t want to engage in ONSs (2 of the above encounters were ONS and both bizarrely were the instances of ED), nor do I have lots of free time to kiss lots of frogs haha.

So is there a way to get an insight into choosing a good sexual partner? I’m even thinking of trying to swing the other way for a change. It must been my version of a mid-life crisis. Advice welcome!

Thanks ladies (p.s. I know there’s a Sex board, but that tends to be about the actual act and I think my issue is maybe choosing the wrong partners ahead of getting to the bedroom)

Just realised that young could be misinterpreted as much younger than me! I mean I was younger then, too. The 9 partners are spread out over 23 years!

You can't possibly choose them in advance as people don't come with review and star ratings. It comes down to chemistry, shared interests and turn-ons, and compatibility.

For instance, if you're into a bit of BDSM then hitching your wagon to a gorgeous, six packed vanilla-as-they-come 35 year old man won't do the trick for you. Regardless of how he looks or the lingo he spouts beforehand.

When I was OLD I did (down the line) have the "what you into" chats, as sex is an essential aspect of a relationship for me and someone who was very straight laced would likely not enjoy me and vice versa. I think its an important conversation to have at some point before sex, whether it's before meeting, or 5 dates down the line, before doing the deed - whatever your personal boundaries are for such things. It ensures you are compatible, sets some expectations and gives you an opportunity to bow out if it doesn't sound appealing.

However, I do think sex can improve massively if you are involved with someone and you learn what works for one another, and are willing to please one another. It can be a real worthwhile investment.

Truth is you dont know if they will be good in bed.

When I met dp, I expected him to be pod in bed because of the way he danced. He is an amazing dancer, very sexy. He is also 6ft 4in, biggest hands I have ever seen and huge feet.

So I bet he would be above average size and good in bed...I was right. But honestly, I could have been dead wrong. I fancied him like mad and was happy to at least see if we were compaitable in bed.

It was a lucky guess. But the sex has got better the longer we are together.

You can’t tell. Most boring sex i had was with by a country mile the most beautiful woman i’ve slept with.

Sadly its possibly a numbers game.... no depressing is that!

Maybe the dancing should be a test in advance haha. Some of them were awful dancers (thinking back to weddings, work parties etc).

Maybe I need to bring it up early next time and set expectations and ask how they’d rate themselves 😂 Now I’m heading into (early) middle age, I don’t want a relationship/marriage/kids, just amazing sex at least once in my life!!!

Most disappointing experience I had was in my 20’s with the most gorgeous American guy. Tall, broad, handsome, lots of mutual friends, intelligent, great chat, amazing chemistry, fabulous kisser. After 3 months of build up and dates, we had a dreadful encounter first time (actually I made sure it was the only time). He obviously didn’t think so, as he called a lot afterwards.

So it’s a numbers game. So sad to hear that. Wish me luck sigh

But its a compatibility game too.
I’ve had someone cooing in my ear saying oooooooh i knew you’d be good, but not that good. Ive aslo had, hmmmm i thought you’d be better (or maybe it was bigger!)

Who knows, Pot luck methinks!

Sex is a two way street. One persons best shag they’ve ever had could be another persons ‘why did I even bother to shave?’encounter.

I think it’s about chemistry and compatibility. I also think there’s first time nerves at play a lot, I wouldn’t have discounted that American guy after one poor night (unless he was aggressive/sinister.)

I know it’s a cliche, but how do you feel about your own sexuality? Are you having mind blowing orgasms alone?

@Wherearemymrbles

Completely agree. I had amazing, wildly passionate sex with a real plain Jane librarian type that many wouldn't look twice at, where as a woman who thought she was the next Kate Moss was utterly dire, despite 'telling' me half way through that 'I bet you've never had THIS good before?'.... well actually yes, far better, but crack on lying there like an old coat in total silence.

@Anotherlongdrive
Stealth boast?

Good kissers. Never had bad sex with someone who was a good kisser.

It's a simple system but it's worked for me.

I think it starts with someone showing they think about your pleasure first, and open to having fun without pressuring you.

Then you learn more about each other, any kinks, likes or dislikes. It can get very very good.

It's a chemistry/compatibility thing as well as a skills thing isn't it?

Some people will be crap in bed with everyone, because they're inherently selfish and unskilled. Or they have ED problems that are insurmountable. or their kinks are so niche that very few women can satisfy them.

But others will go down well (pun not intended) with some partners and not others. Because they have particular foibles or preferences or whatever. Or they just mesh well.

My current partner is fab in bed. He's very experienced and I think he really knows his way around a woman. He's also unselfish. But he says I'm the best partner he's had too (he would say that I think...) and I'm not that experienced. We do just click though I think.

My last partner?! Hahahaha.

Unfortunately I dont' think you can know about any of this before you dtd. And it only improves with time too as you get to know each other.

Met now dh on a Sat, date arranged for the Wednesday.
Needed to try before dating so sampled on the Monday...

Married with a dc now!!
You wouldn't commit to a car on finance without a test drive would you?

I've had a mixture but one thing I can say without a doubt is the one who would have rated himself highest and genuinely believed he was bigger than average was crap and wasn't that big - small side of average and not much girth.

Op, you sound as though you're being completely passive in all this!
I couldn't imagine just lying there, thinking the chap is doing it all wrong, and then giving him a 1 out of 10 rating and dumping him. Surely the best sex is when you communicate, learn how to please each other, contribute equally to the encounter.
You know which techniques you like, you know what brings you reliably to orgasm when you masturbate - so simply convey this information to your partner and encourage him when he gets it right. If you're too shy to even talk to him about your likes and dislikes, you really shouldn't be in bed with him!

What are you like alone? Do you have fun by yourself? (Soz didn't know how else to word it). Are you any good in the sack yourself, do you know how to give?

You could always say upfront your orgasm comes first but personally I think it can take a few tries to feel totally comfortable. For either sex.

I completely agree with Babdoc. Also, although I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ONSs there’s only so much sexual pleasure that can really be gained there. Good sex takes practice and getting to know each other, and especially for someone like you with clearly quite high expectations in the bedroom, you need to to be open, clear and honest about what you want. Real sex isn’t like in the movies or in kinky novels - men aren’t mind readers. And of course there’s no way of knowing beforehand .

The best sex I had was with a guy I met in a pub. Picked him up because he was my type. Mind blowing.

Ran into him a couple of months later, same pub. He came back after taking his friends home. We had an on/off casual thing for a while.

The sex was beyond comparison. Man was a machine. I've never had anything like it since.

But. I found him hiding under the receptionist's desk on her day off because he thought I was shagging everyone that walked.

My partner and I now have a very satisfying sex life. Met him via OLD. We chatted for a few weeks first. Went out. Attraction was there and I'm quite happy to fuck on first dates. I dont equate sex with emotional attachment. There was a lot over the following 12 hours. From memory about 6 times. Lol.

We've been together 5.5 years now and it is better. We know each other well, we are close and still enjoy it. Satisfying, fun and open to new things.

I've had lousy partners. Ok partners. Selfish partners. Perhaps better to say participants? Lol. There's no real way to tell until you get down to it.

I wasn't one for wasting time. Lol.