Please help I dont know my own mind anymore, I feel like Im having a breakdown

[Winona45]

Ive posted before but basically DH and I split in July this year after 28 years together. I instigated it.
He has chronic health issues, hasnt worked for 15 years during which time I have supported him. We are only mid 40s.
We have 3 kids. I have done everything including work fulltime and care for him.
DH then suffered a mental breakdwn and had a severe paranoid pyschotic episode that resulted in him leaving our house on my request and being started on anti psychotics.

Since he has been gone I have ended the relationship. I cannot cope anymoree. I can't cope not having a life, not going anywhere, carrying the burden of everything and also living with the paranoia.
Which ranges from the next door neighbours talking about him to a world wide conspiracy whereby people are trying to kill him. EVERYONE on earth seems to be involved and he even believes he has been poisened. I cant go anywhere or do anything without paranoia raising its head . Its impossible to list it all but its so draining and has made him bitter and angry at the world.

The problem is my guilt. I have posted before about this but I am struggling massively. I am trying to now look after our 3 children and work full time while dealing with the constant stomach churning guilt and self doubt.
I am seeing a councellor but its not helping at all.
DH is devastated. Furious that I have ended it and has told anyone who will listen that I have abandoned him when he needed me most. He has remained in his mothers house since July only leaving 3 times for psychiatric appointments. He cites his physicaly illness as the reason. I am still facilitating all access to the children and paying for them.
He has said some horrible things since we have been apart and they make me feel wretched.
I am torn everyday wondering of I am just a horible person who really has abandoned her partner after 28 years becuase he is ill.
Who does that ?

BUT. the part that pushes me on with this is the part that acknowldeges that he isnt helping himself. That he isnt taking medication. That he swears smoking weed is the answer to everything and thats what he does 24/7. That he has been vile since we seperated, accusing me of cheating, suggesting that the kids should be DNA tested as they probably arent his, telling me im evil for abanonding him , hinting at suicide, telling me I have destroyed his life. Texting the children and telling them he is moving and would they rather live with him or me.
I am trying so hard to deal with all of this and I cant cope anymore.
Its so diffciult.
Even If I did say he could come back I know nothing would change, so it means I have to carry on but live with this never ending guilt and im struggling with that. I hate the thoughts in my own head at the moment.
DD1 just text me and said she has asked her dad how he is today.
Hes replied " Not good, I think I might need some medical help, I can see why your mum threw me away like a bit of shit".

I dont knwo what to do ! NOw my dd is having to hear this too.
Am I such a terrible person ? What shuld I do ?

When he suggest he needs medical help he is referring to his physical illness ( CFS ) by the way. He doesnt believe he has paranoid dellusions he believes it is all real.

It's perfectly clear to me and I think to virtually everyone else that you have no guilt to carry in this situation. Even if he were doing something to help himself you have no reason to feel you have to be his support any more. 28 years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait for someone to become a functioning adult in a relationship. The fact he isn't accepting any medical help just adds to the fact that you can't live your life dedicated to him.
I'm sorry OP you sound lovely but you, and your children are much better off with him at a distance.

Women feel guilty for so many things, but the idea of you feeling guilty for not supporting this man by living with him and putting your and your children's lives second to his, is frankly ridiculous.

If he stopped smoking weed then so many of his problems would disappear. He'll never do that, though.

Take care of yourself and your children. If you get the chance, tell his psychiatrist how much weed he's smoking and then stay away from this man.

CFS is to some extent a psychosomatic illness anyway with a lot of people. There's no sign of any physical cause of their symptoms. It will be linked to his mental health and psychological issues, and if these were addressed his CFS might well improve to a great extent. If he wants help with his health, that's great, but I expect he just was saying that just to try and cause trouble for you.

If he gets really extreme you could call the crisis team- with all this talk of his being poisoned etc, it might be worth calling them now. If he goes on about that when they assess him, they might section him which would give you grounds to keep the DCs from him, or they might at least put some more pressure on him to take his meds. After sectioning, some people get put on a Compulsory Treatment Order where they have to go and take their meds in front of a nurse, or to have an injection. But you probably know most of this.

I don't think there's much you could do except tell him when he's out of line with how he talks to the DCs or anything else he does. Maybe you could also block him on your DCs phone, as he is saying inappropriate things to them? There is no need for him to contact them directly- even if he wanted a chat with them he could call them while you were in the room, on your phone or the home phone, and you could put him on speaker.

You need to seek out all the support you can for your own mental health, to help you deal with the situation and how you feel (not that it's abnormal- it's understandable, but you're still facing a difficult situation. Seek out therapy or counselling to help you cope- your GP may be involved with a counselling service, so you never know, there might be less of a wait than the main list. Also you could prioritize private therapy financially- it's worth it.

Tell your GP how you're feeling and perhaps they could try some medication to help your symptoms. If you've tried a med and didn't have good results, go back and they can try you on something else- there are loads of things they can try. Hugs xxxx

Youve ended it so - His problem should no longer be your problem and you need to stop letting him make it your problem. How old are your kids? If they are in their early teens onwards I would explain to them that dad is having a breakdown and that tbh it might be wise for them to give him some space to sort his head out.

Tbh if it were me, I'd up and move away for a fresh start. Regardless of the age of my kids. The further you guys are from him the better.

Don't be slow to call the police if you feel threatened.

If you chose to stay, what kind of life would your children have? Would they be happy if their mother was constantly unhappy and not living her life? There are 5 of you in that family, not one.

He needs professional help. He doesn't need you all clinging on to him so that he pulls you all down with him. If he ever does do anything to help get himself better again, you will be in a much better position to be there for him as a friend. If you stay, the children will be scarred; your whole family will be scarred. You are rescuing the whole family from something that's threatening the very core of it. While you are still there, he has no motivation to take the steps it needs to get well. You cannot do that for him, that is something that he needs to do. If he won't then what can you do. But you really shouldn't be letting the situation ruin everyone's life. You need to be brave enough to acknowledge those feelings of guilt are there but still do what is best for the family. I wish you every luck.