MeToo and I need help

[cheeseycharlie]

Due to past sexual and emotional trauma (not just one event, a whole combination of things including metoo things more than once), I have problems with intimacy. It’s ruining our 14 year marriage.

I have had a LOT of therapy. Various talking therapies. Water based healing called Watsu. This last year EMDR. It has all helped up to a point, but the problem remains.

The problem is that I flinch or spasm when DH touches me lustfully. It's really upsetting and leaves me feeling very fragile. The lack of full free loving intimacy is destroying him and us.

I’m asking for help because NONE of my therapists past or present have come across this flinching before. It’s like an involuntary spasm which can be triggered by lusty snogging, having my bum fondled, anything on my chest area etc etc. If triggered I can’t go on. Have tried in the past to ‘push through it’ to make love to DH, but this is a road to misery.

I read something written by a survivor recently, and I think she was describing something similar. She mentioned flinching. This must surely be ‘a thing’ and I’d like to find a therapist or doctor with experience of this sort of physical symptom or reaction.

Mumsnet has never let me down before. Bring it with the answers, ladies. We need help.

If you have it, then it's a thing!
I would imagine, given your circumstances, it's a common involuntary response.
Have you had therapy for PTSD?
Please look into that.
I'm so sorry for everything you must have been through.

'I’m asking for help because NONE of my therapists past or present have come across this flinching before. It’s like an involuntary spasm which can be triggered by lusty snogging, having my bum fondled, anything on my chest area etc etc. If triggered I can’t go on. Have tried in the past to ‘push through it’ to make love to DH, but this is a road to misery.'

I'm really surprised your therapists etc say they haven't known of this before. It's classic of PTSD. I didn't hunt for a page long but 5) here shows how people can get it as a response to past physical abuse. I imagine that applies to some adults too, and could sometimes just be in sexual situations as a response to abuse. It's an enhanced startle reflex as a result of what you've endured www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2013/09/12/8-symptoms-of-ptsd-in-children-and-teens .

I hope you find more therapy that helps- EMDR is pretty good in my experience, as you've said. Have you tried any medication? I imagine you also have other symptoms, not just this one, such as excessive anxiety in daily life. If you've tried a med and it doesn't work, please go back and say you're still not 100%, then they can try you on something else.

Hugs and best wishes. xxxxx

Hey OP. I have what I've always called an involuntary 'jolt' or 'shudder' sometimes if the touch is unexpected or sudden. Sometimes I can ride it out, other times it gives me a feeling of wanting to burst into tears. I don't have any advise per se, just wanted you to know that you weren't the only one. I've also had therapists tell me that they've never heard of this and one particularly 'helpful' one who told me I must not love my partner if I felt that way because 'all loving relationships find sex easy and fulfilling'. Er, no. Nothing to do with love.

Zestymaximus, thank you.
Like the other poster up thread I have had people draw parallels with ptsd and childhood traumas but no one to actually recognised what I experience until your reply. Thank you and I'm sorry that you also have to live with this.

I really hope for both of us that someone can provide a name, a pointer to some help or explanation. I can't go on with it. Nor can DH.

Much love and