Should I leave

[loopylol1990]

Iv been with my partner 4.5 years. Im 29 hes 37. I fell pregnant unexpectedly very quick into relationship (son is now 3.5) basically since he was born theres been very little to no affection between the 2 of us. We never do anything together. Altho most of the time we struggle for childcare. We work opposite shifts to eachother so only get maybe 2 days off a fortnight together if we are lucky. He would then much rather go for drinks with his friends than spend any time as a family. Hes also quite controlling over money. If we are in house together we sit at opposite ends of room theres no communication as most of the time hes sitting staring at his phone so get nothing out of him. I feel like I'm slowly going crazy. Theres just nothing.... I can count on one hand how many times we have been out just the 2 of us in the 4.5 years and even then he sat on his phone most of the time. I just dont know what yo do. And I know my son loves his daddy and dont want to break his family apart but also cant live like this forever. Hes also made threats in past that if I leave he will be taking our son with him etc. Iv tried talking to him even wrote letters and nothing has ever changed.

I am sorry but he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. He is staying with you because of his child and the financial implications of a split.

I am also sorry to say this isn’t family life. It’s two people living under the same roof who have a child in common. You should call it a day before it becomes toxic for your child’s sake.

Practically and legally he can’t take his child away and from and you can’t take your child away from him. You both need to agree the best arrangements for the child. That will be having time with him in a way that accommodates his life and allows you both the opportunity to work. This works best if you don’t descend into toxic behaviour now and during separation.

I would contact Womens Aid today if possible and plan your exit from this relationship with due care. He remains abusive towards you and in turn your son (red flags re your partner include being controlling over money, his threats to keep the child, he is not talking readily to you).

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. This is NOT the legacy to be leaving him. A loveless relationship cannot become his norm here.

Your partner can also choose to co-parent amicably when you and he are apart. If he does not that is down to him. You and he should patently not be together any longer.

He just tells me hes not a family person and he told me that when we got together that's his excuse for never doing anything together. Makes it very awkward when it comes to xmas etc and I like to also spend time with my family which he point blank refuses

Weve also got a holiday booked for nxt year aswell so that would be 1500 down the pan

Well he's a barrel of laughs isn't he op . Can you picture being with him for the next forty years ? And can you picture what your life will be likje over those forty years ?
If you don't find yourself looking forward to that life with him, then you'll know you need to leave.

It would not be a holiday that you would particularly enjoy. It is possible also to take your name off the booking along with that of your son.

All this man cares about is his own self. Not you nor your child.

If you work opposite shifts to each other then how are you supposed to maintain a relationship? Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Can one of you change jobs so that you spend more family time together or are you past caring now?

I'm wondering if it's simply a convenience for your partner to live with you as he has disengaged entirely from the relationship. You can't keep a relationship going single-handedly. You have done everything you can and now have to start thinking about moving on.

I'm betting that you do all the housework as well including his meals and washing so of course, why would be want to move away? He never gets to see you, avoids any form of communication and saves cash on his own place. He sounds like a catch and I think it's time to release back into the wild so some other lucky lady can have him in all his princely glory.

Check out the citizen's advice guide to separation

We have to work opposite shifts to eachother as this is the only way we can sort childcare. Hes on a decent wage but I cant afford to not work as have a little bit of debt and the wage he is in we certainly wouldn't be able to afford to live if he packed work in. I see him on a night time when I get in from work or him if he on day shift. But he hardly speaks when I do come in so I just go to bed. We probably speak to eachother more if one of us is at work and we ring eachother haha

But we only actually have 2 days off a fortnight together

We have to work opposite shifts as that's the only way it works for childcare. One week he works 5 days I work his 2 days off the following week he works 2 days and I work 3 of his days off.

Sunken costs fallacy, forget the holiday. There’s more important stuff to worry about eg your child seeing a loveless partnership as his example of a relationship, you actually, you know, enjoying your life. He can’t, as mentioned, take your child. I don’t know why some men say this: to keep you in line? To stop you leaving? Does he really want to carry on in such an unfulfilling relationship?

Iv mentioned it to him in the past and hes always blamed me saying I work "too much'. I'm a carer. Just got my xmas rota actually and I'm working boxing day and new years day which is fine by me as means I have xmas off with our son. However hes not happy as these are the 2 days of the year that 'he loves to go out' and wont be able to as I am working. He also said I should pack my s* job in and find something better which fits in for him