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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Over his 'first love'?

4 replies

smegsmeg · 29/10/2019 08:22

Hi name change as I don't want this linked to me.

Since my previous relationship who always spoke about his ex whether in good or bad light which made me uneasy and sceptical he was over her. Turns out all my instincts were right and he was messaging her in the end. But now it's affecting my future relationships.

When I first met my partner in 2014 his sister was still very much involved with his "first love" who he was with for 2 and a half years and broke up in 2011 when he was 19. Having an ex so close to home did upset me but it wasn't my place.

I remember asking him about how often he sees the ex a few months in as I was made aware he went to a concert with his sister who met up with her there (my friend was also there). He denied that he hasn't seen her in ages and when I pulled him up that I knew he had he just said he didn't want to put me off so soon in the relationship.

Fast forward to now we had a wedding in which the ex was there through his mutual friends and everything was fine until later on in the evening when she was speaking to him and his friend bringing up old times together. My partner didn't comment on it at all and just passed off the comments. When I pulled him aside to express I wasn't happy about it he said he doesnt know why she was bringing up the past ect.

Anyway, I can't shift this feeling for the life of me and I suppose I need reassurance that either these feelings are right and I'm right to feel this way or I'm damaged goods haha

OP posts:
AmIThough · 29/10/2019 08:28

It doesn't sound like he's encouraging it at all.
He was still a kid when they broke up.
I don't think you really have anything to worry about.

Windmillwhirl · 29/10/2019 08:40

You need to get a grip. He had a life before you, he is allowed to reminisce. Carry on as you are and you can kiss this relationship goodbye. A lot of people find jealousy and insecurity very unattractive, with good reason.

smegsmeg · 29/10/2019 09:01

@AmIThough I know it's so stupid that I keep thinking so much of it, thanks for reassuring me that.

@windmillwhirl I know he is and every other relationship he's had I have no problem with. But reminiscing about 'good times' together just wasnt something I was overly comfortable with. But I agree if I carry on like this it's going to be the end of the relationship. I just want to know whether this is going to be an issue in any relationship or just bad feelings about this one.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 29/10/2019 09:14

Your ex spoke a lot about this ex which is an obvious red flag. A bit of reminiscing at a wedding is hardly the same thing. It's what people catching up do.

You shouldn't tar everyone with the same brush. Any time you enter a relationship you are taking a risk. You can live in fear of what may happen or you can enjoy what you have until you have real reason to question intentions.

In my opinion your partner has done nothing wrong. If you think he has, then I think this is your issue to work through.

If you are happy with him, enjoy what you have. Stop sabotaging it. Trust he is with you because you have plenty to offer Smile

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