Dp comment upset me

[thisishalloweenish]

Me and dp had an argument last night. The dc were being challenging and dp said he never wanted a life like this. Said I've trapped him by having children. (We actually planned both our children and dp wanted a sibling for dc1 even more than I did at the time. )

Sometimes I feel like I would be happier living alone with the dc but when I mentioned it to dp he agreed but said he would never walk out on his children.

I feel like he's only here for the children.

I assume you have read the comment where you say you would prefer he isnt in your life.You cant say such things and then get upset when he does the same.
You sound as bad as each other. You need to stop point scoring and work as a team in the raising of your DC.
Have a talk and try and get rid on the toxicity that exists between you both. Whether you stay with each other or not is spearate matter but being adult about the situation and understand the other persons needs will be the first step.

Oh dear - this is sounding like 'the script'
Can you do some digging?

The life you have now isn't what you had when you married.
Five years time it'll be different again.
Ten years time different and so on.
Children grow, new challenges, different challenges, you both need to adapt together. Most of all you both need to want to be together on this journey.
Make time for each other but life will not be like it was before.

I would definitely ask him what he meant by trapping him if you know that you both planned your DCs. That is an awful comment that often gets thrown at women and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to get past it.

You said the same thing?

This is nothing to do with the script. You’re both being horrible to each other and using your children to do it. Immature and unproductive. Why don’t you try and talk about your issues rather point scoring and threatening each other.

There may be a risk of going off the deep end after an (admittedly hurtful) throw away comment. I bet that your imagining of family life didn't really involve too much detail on challenging behaviour on the part of your DCs. However, context is key.

I'd imagine that many parents think "this is not what I expected/planned/hoped for" but thowing that out like an emotional grenade mid-tantrum when everyone is frayed is not ideal.

His comment upset you (and I think "trapping" is a horrible thing to suggest) so you should ask him what he meant by it. However, I think you also need to think about how happy you are in the relationship and whether you want to communicate and work together or cut your losses and go it alone. The fact that you wonder about being happier without him suggests that you have doubts.

I don't think your partner really means that you trapped him but I think he does feel trapped by parenthood. You say the children were being particularly challenging. I don't think that is what anyone signs up to when they have children. I think people often gave a romantic view of beautiful, well-behaved children with no problems. No idea of the sleepless nights and hard work and tantrums.

You've said you sometimes think you'd be better off just with the DC. Do you mean it? That isn't something to say lightly. It should only be said when discussing whether to split up. It may have really hurt his feelings....or he may feel exactly the same.

Have you ever thought your husband might sometimes think he would be happier living alone with the DC?

I think you need to have a calm talk about what is bothering you both and find out whether you can improve things and stay together (if you both want to) or split.