Hello MNers,
I was hoping for some words of wisdom and advice on how to approach a situation I find myself in currently. MN and the advice on this forum has been invaluable to me in the last year. It has made me feel less alone and I love the insight in the responses.
Some background: I am thirty years old and in spring this year left my physically, emotionally and financially abusive partner. We are not married, no children and jointly own a property. I work full time and we no longer have shared finances etc so I am now independent from him. He lives in the house while I'm living at home with my parents. I did not want to stay in the house for my own safety and mental well being. I pay half of the mortgage and can still access the house if I needed to.
I am doing well since the split, although with downs as well as ups. I have had help from Women's Aid and The Freedom Programme. I have attended private counselling sessions. These have been hugely beneficial. I've managed to get a promotion in work into a field I love. I have a social life now and I'm back in touch with friends! I'm taking better care of myself, treating myself and have managed to lose two stone.
My ex and I have been on limited contact. However, he reverts to his old behaviour when he doesn't get his way, name calling, prodding my insecurities and bragging about how good things have been since I left. Minimising any of my experiences and opinions and blaming the abuse on me and my actions. I have given up trying to make him understand why I left, I get the impression he enjoys hearing how much I suffered.
I am now ready to sell our house, which he has agreed to. I have arranged valuations and got my ducks in a row in terms of what we need to sell for etc. I am keen to sell the house and move on, for obvious reasons. I try not to overplay this fact with him. I do my best not to lower myself to his level and give him no personal information about me.
However, something happened today that has troubled me. Ex was being difficult about arranging valuations due to his work commitments and he is working away most of the week. He said he didn't trust me to go alone and wanted to be there, however when I tried to arrange anything he wouldnt respond to me (it was a week and half before he responded) or promise to arrange appointments then not.
I do not want to see him face to face. If I had to, I was going to bring my Dad along and say he's helping with the appointment.
I arranged a valuation that I would attend alone, thinking ex was away with work. I informed him that as his work situation was ongoing and he couldn't commit, I was attending and would ask the agent to give him a call if he had any questions. I told him it was today at x time and expect a call from the agent after that.
When I arrived at the house prior to the appointment, ex's car was in the driveway. A light was on in the living room and bedroom. I get a message from my ex, saying he's managed to come home today so he's in the house and will be there for the appointment.
I get this sense of dread, and phone the estate agent to ask about the appointment. It was a few minutes after the appointment time no sign of the agent. I'm told that a man called the agency earlier calling himself Mr Smith (not ex's name, but his surname begins with the same letter) saying he was my partner and that neither of us could attend the appointment at my address at that time, so to cancel it.
No one else other than my Dad, ex or me knew that information.
I started asking why would they wouldn't have contacted me to discuss this with me but they said that he knew my name, address, time of appointment and called himself my partner so they didn't see any cause for concern.
I get in my car (which I hadn't parked in the driveway) and drive home where after twenty minutes I get a message from my ex asking where I am.
I phone him, told a lie I was late because of traffic but I'd pulled over where I had a missed call from the agent asking to rearrange. I told him I'd phoned them and that they had told me a man had cancelled the appointment, claiming to be my partner and told them my name, address and tie of appointment. I calmly asked if he knew anything about it. He hit the roof, started calling me cruel names, screaming down the phone at me things such as "You just want to sell the house so you can get your fing money, you should have thought of that before you fked off." He vehemently denies that it was him.
I keep going over this in my head. How could it have been anyone else? No one else knew about it. It's too much of a coincidence about the information they knew about me for it to be a clerical error or mix up. If it was him, what was he planning?
I don't know what to do now. I have to rearrange it and ex says he wants to be there.
How do I navigate this? I find it draining to be so vigilant about someone who is so unpredictable.
Thank you so much for reading.