Wife cheating on me

[Bootneck1]

I really need help, I'm completely broken. The last time felt like this was returning back from Iraq. I'm lucky that my family is supporting me as all I want to do is hit the booze but just the fact I'm with my son helps me and supports me so much without even knowing it.
Anyway, as the title suggests my wife of 7 years is cheating on me. We have a 7-year-old son. I currently pay the bills and mortgage. I transfer £1000 into a join account which pays everything off for the month. She pays for food and other bits and pieces. I've finally got her to admit it only by going through her phone (I really didn't want to but my suspicions were far too strong) she's out most weekends and some weeknights. She says she is with friends but I no longer believe her. I admit I work away a lot trying to make ends meet but what disturbed me was I'm pretty sure she has invited him back to our house. My biggest concern is for my son. It really breaks my heart that I'm trying to stay brave just so he can continue to be happy.
My wife met this person when he was admitted to one of the wards in the hospital, she is a nurse there. Anyway, one thing led to another and this is the position I'm in. What makes it worrying is this person is supposedly a recovering drug addict and a recurring offender. This is totally out of character for her or at least I think it is (I'm sure this is frowned upon)I'm making a big effort to change careers by doing my degree and as you can imagine this has really knocked me back.
I feel like I'm paying just so she can go out. She works part-time but can increase the number of shifts when required. Should I make her contribute more to the bills? My son won't suffer as I will always provide but it's the fact I pay to make ends meet while she's out. I'm just really struggling. I keep blaming my self, what have I done wrong, should I have done something different but I'm getting no answers.
I just really need other people's experiences.

Thanks

You've done nothing wrong and there's nothing you can do to fix her. I recommend you get a solicitor and begin divorce proceedings. If you feel your child is in a dangerous situation whilst in her care, then you may need to file for full custody. I'm very sorry for what you're going through, but much happier days lie ahead.

I have told her, I don't want our son to have even a glimpse at him. She was not happy when I mentioned it. It's just so confusing that she is willing to sacrifice a nice house, comfortable living for someone like this that lives in a council flat. Chances are he might relapse forget banged up again. She says he makes her happy but surely nothing good can come out of this? As much as I hate her for what she is doing I don't want to see her get hurt or walkthrough some very horrible doors. In an ideal world, I would just walk away but it ain't so black and white.

If she's a registered nurse and having a relationship with a patient, then she should be reported to the NMC.

As a nurse, she's obligated to keep her relationships with patients strictly professional. The nurse-patient relationship shouldn't be used as a springboard for a personal or romantic involvement.

She is saying he was on a different ward and she knows him from before. I really don't know the rules but as I said I don't want to see her throw her life away.

I'm so sorry OP, you sound like a decent person and she is taking advantage of your good nature. You must see that staying with her is detrimental to you and your son? What does this show your son about healthy relationships? Staying together for children is just not always the best option even though you have the best intentions.
You need to leave her and if she chooses to live her life with this loser, then she has to live with the consequences. She is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. She clearly has no care for your feelings at all here.

You aren't responsible for what she does with her life. Your only responsibility is for yourself and your son. Stop over-analising this. She's cheated on you. Your marriage is over. It's time to take control and move on.

Sorry but what's wrong with a council flat? I've head of addicts and offenders from people who actually own homes. You sound very judgemental

@shas19 - his wife is cheating on him, his marriage is likely over, and his son has potentially been exposed to a recovering junkie with a criminal history - but yeah by all means, focus on the important things like a throwaway comment about council flats

So what has she said will happen with your son? It’s sounds like she has been seeing the guy on her own?having her fling without responsibility? Does she want to leave her son with you?

Sorry for your situation, it’s very sad.

OP have you actually had a conversation with each other about trying to reconcile? It sounds as though she is completely indifferent to you, in that she sees herself as no longer in a relationship with you.
Regardless of the way she met this man she seems to openly want to continue her relationship with him and hasn’t tried to hide that fact. That doesn’t sound like the actions of someone who wishes to reconcile. Seek a divorce and go your separate ways would be my advice.

Speak to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Apply for full custody and get your son somewhere safe.

I would ask her to leave, on her own. She cant have her cake and eat it.

Then look to support yourself and your son

And start divorce proceedings, she has checked out the marriage and I doubt she will return to it, if she leaves this guy, she will just have another affair

Regarding our son, unfortunately, I'm self-employed so I work away a lot and sometimes overseas. My son understands that as he knows he will get a holiday and lots of presents when I get back and I usually take a few months off work after international jobs to spend time with my family. Luckily my mother in law also agrees with me but even she can only do so much. We are going to have a chat this week but it's my intention to make her contribute more to the household as it's unfair that I am away working whilst she is always out. Unfortunately, I won't be able to start the process for divorce at the moment as I am due to go to Hong Kong working (It's something that I can do without to be honest but I also need to work, I can't have my son suffering in any of this mess) I plan on doing the divorce when I get back. I've tried my best to try and make it work but it's so draining and like most of you guys said I think a divorce is the best way to go for my health and wellbeing. I really hope I'm wrong but I can't see this fling she is having is going to end well for her. Whilst she is getting her quick fix now she has not thought about the future. Financially if we sell the house I can go it alone but the main priority is my son.

Have you concidered personal counselling to help you through this Bootneck1? Your doctor should be able to refere you or, if you go private then check out therapists in your area via the BACP website.

You are going through a bereavment, a loss of the dreams that you had with your wife. Look up the stages of bereavment, it may help you to understand your feelings, the process you are now in and empower you.

Be kind to yourself, eat well.... Lots of veg. Drink lots of water.... Dehyration headaches on top of stress is an unpleasent combo. Exercise.... Get out everyday, with your son too when he is with you, go for a walk then pop into a park to play with him. Try to go to green spaces, being out in nature is therapeutic.

Have a regular bedtime schedule and routine, if you can not sleep just resting in a darkened room whilst reading a book or meditating is better than nothing.

Valerian Root tea before bed time can help as it is a calmative herb. Scull Cap for anxiety, St Johns Wort if you are feeling mild to moderate depression (use sunblock, as it can make your skin photosensative). However if you do take any herbs you must check to make sure that they dont interfere of have adverse reactions with any other medication. Always make yourself aware of possible side effects. If you are on any perscription meds you will need to tell your doctor.

If you have a supportive family and friends talk to them, ask for help, let them be there for you.

Last of all, keep your emotions regarding your break up away from your son. He will have his own difficulties with everything going on and you need to support him.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but hold your head up high, dont play games and give yourself time to adjust, grieve and heal.

You can only control your thoughts and actions, you can not control hers. Act with dignity and hold your head up high, you will get through this, you have to for your son.

Ah just seen that you will be away, some therapists do sessions via skype type of apps.

• skullcap

Maybe your wife would have preferred a husband that was actually home and more involved in the marriage, very difficult to do long distance. You said upthread that she works part time but now you make it sound like she does nothing but go out and have fun. I think you should stop involving family members and sit down and have a serious conversation with her, maybe she was lonely and unhappy.

Thank you for your kind advice. I'm slowly coming round to acceptance. Managed to get to the gym today. Strange how sadness and aggression can make you train harder. A friend said to me ” If you can find clarity in chaos then you have found something positive” in all this madness I need to look after my self. That's the priority. ”Healthy mind, healthy body” as they say. It's going to be hard but I have to stay strong.

I work in the bomb disposal industry. Unfortunately, there really ain't many bombs in Manchester. Hence why I'm studying for my degree to change careers.

Maybe your wife would have preferred a husband that was actually home and more involved in the marriage, very difficult to do long distance.

The go to of the woman who wouldn't look twice at living with a lower earner but will shag them behind the sucker who's working all hours to fund it's back.

OP. She is a dirty cheating leech.
Separate finances so that she is unable to fund her affairs via your pocket. You can support the household and your son easily without handing a penny directly to her.

I'd kick her arse out tbh but you sound too nice. Please stop letting this little cow ruin yours and your sons life. What an appalling role model for your son she is.

So who looks after your son while you are away and she is working and out?
Start to separate finances.
You can continue to pay the mortgage and bills directly the companies.
I wouldn't be giving her another penny.
This is horrible for you OP and I agree, you sound too nice at the moment.
Find the anger.
Do not let her treat you like a doormat.
Stop enabling this affair.

@FattyCutty wow, really? I'm sure his wife knew clearly what his job was before she married him so what is your point?

While I’m away if she isn’t working then she looks after him and does the school runs etc. If I’m not working due to being self employed then I do the school runs etc then she can do extra shifts or what ever she wants. Sometimes it’s my parents in-laws that looks after him. I’ve offered to even get a job in a supermarket or something just to come home every night but she’s not interested. This is why I started to study for my degree last year to change jobs. I do love my son but every weekend it feels more like I’m babysitting him just so she can go out. Fattycutty I met my wife when I was in the Marines during my R&R from Afghanistan. She know many years ago that I spend a lot of time out of the country as that’s the nature of the job. I just can’t believe it has come to this. Two months ago we was on a holiday at the French alps both enjoying ourselves to now this.