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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and son

23 replies

Mother1st · 28/10/2019 14:51

Hi
I don't really know we're to start but hear goes. My husband never shows any love to our 10yr old son, he only speaks to him to tell him to do something or to give him into trouble. I have had many discussions with him concerning this but he blames the son as he says that he never listens to him. He can be very mean to our son and my son tells me that he hates his dad and that he wishes that he would leave. I have always thought that my husband dislikes our son and have had many arguments over this. A few days ago my husband was in my sons room telling him to go brush his teeth when my son did not respond immediately my husband took his phone from him my son was trying to get it back when I heard him crying I went in room and my son said his dad hurt him my husband denied this and said he hurt himself trying to get phone back so this caused another argument with us my husband also said to my son that we would split up and it would be his fault, I have had enough but my husband and I do have a good relationship the only thing we argue over is him but I don't think things will ever change Any advice

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 28/10/2019 14:52

Your user name tells you what you need to do and make it v clear to your son it isn’t his fault

AmIThough · 28/10/2019 14:55

Your son is being bullied by his dad. It's better to be in a loving home with 1 parent than a miserable home with 2.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2019 14:55

How can you have a "good" relationship with a man who is so cruel and abusive to your son? It's all the more horrible because this is your husband's own child. The damage being done to your son may very well be irreversible, and you are allowing it. At this point, because you have refused to protect your child, you are just as responsible for this abuse as your husband is. It's time to stop being passive and be a protective parent, and if that means divorce, so be it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2019 14:58

Why are you and your husband still together?. Do you and he really have a good relationship together (you really do not) or is that you hoping that you still do?. How does your H treat you day to day?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Where are you and what do you do at the time when your H is kicking off towards your son?.

Bear in mind too your relationship with him as an adult in years to come could be well damaged by your lack of actions here to date and he could well move out never to see either of you again when he is of age.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/10/2019 15:13

My dad didn't like my brother very much. My brother began exhibiting signs of a mental illness around 7. It was dismissed as being a behavioural issue and he saw a child psychiatrist. He was frightened of the smallest things. He has a diagnosis of schizophrenia now, obviously at 7 it wasn't schizophrenia but there were definitely issues. My dad totally didn't understand and would belittle my brother, called him thick and stupid which had a massive impact. They had no relationship and my brother grew up hating my father. My dad died over 20 years ago and he was in the army when he was younger. My cousin was talking to her mum and it seems that my dad may have had ptsd. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that the impact on your son could be awful.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 28/10/2019 18:55

My dad bullied one of my brother's, don't stay. If it really is unfair bullying and not a difference in parenting styles, leave him for the sake of your son. My DF attitude messed up BOTH my brothers even though he only picked on one.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2019 19:01

have had enough but my husband and I do have a good relationship the only thing we argue over is him but I don't think things will ever change Any advice

Work out the contradictions in the above and stand up for your son.

stroneranger · 29/10/2019 21:12

You really need to do something about this urgently - take what fantasmagoria1 said seriously and do what you can to prevent your son having mental health issues with anxiety issues.

CalleighDoodle · 29/10/2019 21:14

Your poor child. A father who actively makes him know he isnt liked and a mother who wont protect him from a nasty bully in his own home.

Decide whether your relationship with your bullyboy husband is worth more to you than your child.

shiningstar2 · 29/10/2019 21:21

If you stay with man who constantly belittles his son he will grow up with terrible issues which you won't be able to turn around by the teen years. His self esteem must be in tatters and he only has you to support him. Live up to your name op and put your child before this abusive man. If he was abusive to you mumsnetters would be unanimous in encouraging you to leave ...how much worse is it that he is abusing your son. Surely you having a good relationship with your husband is secondary to the harm he is doing your son?

bloomingorchid · 29/10/2019 21:35

My dad bullied me. My mum did nothing. How can you possibly have a good relationship with anyone who bullies your ds? I'm no contact now at 33 ive decided I'm old enough to step away. dont miss either of them.
Could easily have had a nice relationship with my mum if she'd bother sorting it out. I would have been much happier well away from him. I suffered terribly, self esteem went down the drain, I tolerated poor treatment from other adults as that was my normal, it taught me I wasn't good enough and pretty much worthless. Taken me the whole of my 20's to reverse.
Sound fun? Not really? Sort it out, make plans divorce and rebuild your poor ds life. You know it's wrong so stop pondering. I do have some sympathy though, leaving a bully must be difficult but as pp have said the long lasting effects on your ds are worth that.

Groovinpeanut · 29/10/2019 21:48

There's no way you can think you have a good relationship with your husband bullying your son.
Even the comments made to your son about it being his fault if you split up must make you see this for what it is? Surely?
I guess you'll read this thread and stick your head in the sand. Your contradiction in your OP is very telling. Your husband is s vile bully and he's needing you to look out for him. Please don't try and reason with your husband as he'll then take to bullying and threatening your son in secret. Do the right thing!

EKGEMS · 30/10/2019 14:02

"I have a great relationship with my husband" BIG FUCKING DEAL-your son is being emotionally ABUSED daily and you've let him get to ten years old knowing his father hates him-why are you here online when you should be at a lawyer's office getting a divorce?

Mary1935 · 30/10/2019 18:00

Hi OP I feel really sorry for your son. He will be seriously affected by this behaviour from his so called father. He has no idea how to parent his child. How was his upbringing.
You really really need to separate from him to protect your son.
He is causing him serious emontional issues and your sons asking you for help.
I can 100% gaurentee that it’s going to get a whole lot worse as your sons goes through his teenage years. He will become violent to your son as he will find him challenging. You have already seen this over the recent incident.
My father was similar. He physically fought will most of his children.
Please please put your son first and do not force your son to see his father at all.
I would tell him he needs to see a therapist or go together for family therapy BUT DO NOT put it with this shit.
If you do your son will leave home and you may never see him again.
I hope you are loving and affectionate to him.
Who the fuck doesn’t like their own son.

Interestedwoman · 30/10/2019 18:04

' my husband also said to my son that we would split up and it would be his fault'

NO WAY should he have said this to a kid. You need to leave him, and if your son has a complex due to his words, say it was your husband's behaviour that made you leave.

Interestedwoman · 30/10/2019 18:11

My dad was a wanker to me and I resented deeply that my mum did nothing. Luckily they split when I was 17, and she became the caring person at home that she really was. As it is, I nearly left for uni at 19 and never came back. My mum rebuilt the relationship quickly as she is a decent person, but I still resent her lack of action when I was a child.

Tooner · 30/10/2019 18:29

You're post is very sad to read OP.

Your little boy is being bullied in his own home, a place where he should feel THE most secure, safe loved and happy and by his own father.

I could have not one iota of love for a man who could treat his own son or any child like that. After ten years I think its safe to say things are never going to change and I would be out of there as fast as my legs could carry me.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 30/10/2019 18:44

I spent some of my teenage years in a house where me and my siblings were bullied by a step-parent and no one took any action to remove us from that situation. It's had an impact on the rest of my life. As a result, my husband is under no illusions that I will always put my children before him and if he were to do anything to harm them physically, mentally or emotionally, he would be out.

It sounds like your husband has been harming your child mentally and emotionally for quite some time and has now moved on to physically. Your son deserves safety in his own home and your protection.

pointythings · 30/10/2019 19:38

You need to get out. Your H is abusing his own son. There's no point soft soaping it.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 31/10/2019 06:35

You have a good relationship with your husband? I couldn't dare have a good relationship with anyone who bullied, threatened my son. And this is his own father! Your child does not need to be in this toxic environment.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 31/10/2019 07:20

Struggling to contain my anger disgust here- at you. Your poor boy! As if it's not bad enough he's being damaged by a complete and utter arsehole of a father, there you are, his only possible protector, standing by and watching! Your son is being damaged - put that "husband" out and put your son first !!

AgentJohnson · 31/10/2019 07:44

I think if your one issue in your relationship is your son being bullied by his father then it’s a whopping great problem. Get off the bloody fence and prioritise your son ffs!

larrygrylls · 31/10/2019 07:57

‘Bullied’, ‘abusive’....I am not so sure. Certainly something has gone wrong with the parenting dynamic but it is not necessarily mean father and great mother.

A 10 year old should brush his teeth. If he refuses, having his phone taken away seems proportionate. And why on earth is he ‘trying to get it back’ rather than apologising and brushing ghis teeth? The fact that you supported your son over this rather than backing your husband up is maybe a clue to the problem. (And why does a 10 year old even need a phone?).

Your husband may be saying/thinking that you have the nice ‘role’ as the loving supportive parent and he has to be the disciplinarian.

I would say parenting classes could help here for you to develop a co-operative parenting style. This would allow your husband to show his love more easily.

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