Nearly a year on and not going well....

[Astrabees]

Without going into enormous detail around a year ago a relationship that was important to me came to an end when I discovered he had been cheating on me for a very long time with a woman who knew nothing of my existance, and I had been lied to in every way imaginable and more.

I had some counselling, came to the conclusion he had been a narcissist who actually enjoyed behaving in this way and left him to the OW who believes he is a good man who has made poor decisions (!!!!!)

I took on board the idea that the best form of revenge is to live a better life, to be better than him and create a life for myself that I could never have had while he was around. It seemed highly possible as his main hobbies were drinking and watching porn.

A year has gone, we have not been in touch, even on a friendly basis as OW (as she then was) forbids it and monitors all his moves and his emails very carefully.

I'm much better, and have had a great year in some respects, travelled, started a new creative hobby that is going well and I've been back to the places that held memories of my time with him with friends or on my own and reclaimed them. I've cultivated some old friendships that had lapsed and been to galleries and out to lunch more times than any other year.

I'm still not right though. I feel old and fat and unattractive, though objectively the only one of these nearly true is being a bit over weight. I have lost a lot of confidence, even in a sporting activity I do which was nothing to do with him. The rejection for someone a fair few years younger than me has taken its toll. My sparkle and innate feelings that I'm an attractive and desirable woman (OK to a limited audience) has gone.

It is all difficult for me to understand. I don't want him back, I cannot comprehend how evil someone I cared about could be. I still turn it over and over in my mind though, and if I don't, for a few days I have vivid and strange dreams about him. In the last dream he was giving a gardening demonstration to a group of people, he doesn't even do any gardening.

I fully acknowledge I''d be better to let what remains go but it is as if I can't, there is no purpose to it, it is like having a bad back - don't want those feelings there but they won't go. He used to get very angry about things that weren't my fault. When I told him that he had risked my sexual health with having un protected sex with both of us he nearly exploded, he just said that she had told him she had not been in a relationship for 4 years so it was O.K. and I was making a drama out of it for the sake of it. I just want to be emotionally free, I've tried so hard and on the face of it have had a great year but it doesn't feel like that inside.

I am in a similar situation and have nothing but sympathy. Unfortunately there is no magic bullet for either of us and the only thing that will help, and distraction while you're waiting. All I can offer is that your feelings are entirely familiar and normal IME, and you are far from alone.

Personally I am tired of people telling me about other friends who bounced back marvellously, travelled, remarried and are ten times happier than they were before - in the time it's taken me to wallow about pathetically. Sometimes I feel that I am so critical of myself, I am virtually apologising for existing. But then being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted is of course going to knock your confidence hugely.

I'm sorry I can't help really, just letting you know there are plenty of us out here.

"And the only thing that will help is time"

'm sorry I can't help really, just letting you know there are plenty of us out here.

I'm out here too, in very much the same space as both of you. I definitely feel I've aged in the blink of an eye; I think I didn't have any need to look at myself too critically whilst in what I thought was a pretty perfect relationship, and now I do I find I'm not 29 anymore... It's a strange adjustment, I just feel tatty and a bit tired. No spark is exactly what to call it. It's not even that I mind, it's more just how aware of it I am. How jaded.

I'm thinking there must be something new out there for me; some avenue of life I haven't looked down before, some other way to shine that isn't my slinky hips and glinting eye. I haven't quite worked out what this is yet though, and I do still feel so... haunted.

When I met him m ex seemed very ordinary in his day to daylife, very traditional and reliable. I didn't know he spent most of his time in the pub and how much porn he watched for ages. Th person I wanted him to be had, I suspect, never existed so I can't really pine for him.
Yes, crankyassnoperope, I feel tatty and tired too! Even if I buy something really nice to wear I soon feel I've made the wrong choice and look terrible. My father died when my mother was the age I am now and she aged by about 10 years that year, I know my "loss" is not in that league but it does make me a bit worried. I think I'll have a full make over at John Lewis after Christmas and see if that helps, and keep on with the distraction. The only times this last year I've felt really good about myself are when I've manged something difficult in my craft class.

@Astrabees you have been narcissistically abused and the result of that is trauma. It also detonates the abandonment of before, as you have described (losing your father and watching your mother's grief).

It takes a very long time for the devaluing (by him) not to be taken personally.

We seem to be wired to take on board the idea 'there must be something wrong/unattractive/ugly/dirty with me, that I could be treated so badly'.
I think it gives us a sense of control; that if we do this or that or change the other, then nobody can ever treat us so horrifically again.

The truth is, you were deceived and betrayed by a selfish unfeeling person who actually, does not like women. The fault is in him. Imagine being that shallow and incapable of warm, deep connection. Poor pathetic creature.

But it takes a long time for the heart to catch up with the head. Keep on doing what you are doing, maybe do some research on 'healing from narcissistic abuse'.

Thank you for kind comments will be back in the morning with some thoughts.

From what I have read you are doing extremely well!
You should love and respect yourself most of all for taking your life back.
When you have all your self respect back you will realise that others like you, respect you and some will fancy you too! They will have been doing all along you just haven’t noticed.
Good on you and keep going.

It's only a year since your life was turned upside down. You're doing brilliantly.

I agree...
It's a shock, which created a trauma.
Built on childhood grief.

Be kind to yourself

My advice (I’ve been there) - stop framing your life around him. You don’t have to live a better life than him. He doesn’t even need to enter into it. Lead a better life for you, whatever makes you happy. It doesn’t matter if he (or anyone else) deems you to be more/less successful than him. Stop giving him and what he is doing headspace. Can you cut off social media or however you are finding out about him?

A year may sound like a long time but its really not. I was in a 17 year relationship and although I ended it and there was no affairs, it was still abusive in many ways. Its been over 2 and a half years since the split and it still affects me in some ways. He has a new girlfriend now and I find this hard to digest (not cos I want him back!). I spent a LONG time analysing the relationship.
I thought I was in a good place but then he announces the new girlfriend and that gave me a knock.
What I'm saying is, is that you've not given yourself long enough. Be kinder to yourself.

Something I found useful was to remember he was a wolf in a sheep's clothing.

He looked just like the rest of us sheep, he acted just like the rest of us sheep - but when it suited him, then the wolf came out. And we cannot make him a sheep however much we try.

It is not down to any lack in you. Except that, like everyone, you cannot make a sheep out of a wolf.

Clever sheep learn how to spot wolves and keep well clear. They feel only pity for the sheep who believe the wolf is one of them.

I agree what others have said - especially the part that his abandonment and the
subsequent shock and trauma has opened up unresolved grief around your Dad - and mentally you are struggling to process both - the nighttime dreams and the loop preoccupying your thoughts sound like PTSD - you sound emotionally exhausted - some counselling at this point might shift your mood - you will find your joy and spark again and a shiny new life is just around the corner.

The counselling I had was very useful, but after 8 sessions I felt I was just picking the scab, and the counsellor gave me some good coping mechanism tips so I will defer a decision about going back until the full year of it all has passed and I have a new year to look forwards to.

Yes, my family history has several unhappy aspects. When my younger brother was born I was ousted as number one big time, which the counsellor felt was very significant as my brother went on to con my mother into leaving all her assets except some small savings to him, she died last year while all this was going on. The fact that I left home and did something with my life - to a limited extent - made me the family scapegoat when things went wrong.
Interestingly i have never had a relationship with a man where I have been badly treated or cheated on in m whole life before this, so I was very trusting.

I feel used and abused, an yes, a bit unclean. I would never have agreed to a sexual relationship when he was at it with someone else, and when I think of the "double dipping" I still feel sick.

There was one week when i thought he was being a bit elusive a few months before we split and I joked that he must be seeing another woman, to which he responded no one else would have him, I did say I was pleased to hear that because fidelity is important to me but he carried on with the lies.

I suppose it is the OW that obsesses me most, I don't desire to disrupt her life or be unkind to her but I have been obsessed with her, not quite so much now.

Neither of them are on social media but he does turn up occasionally in other peoples photos, so no real difficulties presented by that.

In reality I have a nice life, and a lot of happiness when I can move away from thinking about him (and her). I'm reassured by the comments that just under a year isn't that long for this sort of situation, hopefully 2020 will be better.

Feel sorry for OW, he is her problem now.

Imagine being the relationship police, as she is doing? REAL love, there ....

And that it is about you? He is tormenting her by triangulating. Hinting that he still might have feelings for you, etc.

What a shit. You dodged a bullet and are well rid. Not all men are like him.

If you found that counsellor effective - maybe go back for another few sessions to help you over this hump. You have an awful lot to process from your childhood and more recent pass that has nothing to do with your ex. All of this seems to be tangled up and keeping you stuck. It is a v big blow to be emotionally blindsided by being lied to and abandoned by your partner at the same time as being shafted around your DM assets by your brother. Also the loss of your DM. So much loss, abuse, manipulation and lies all at once is too much.

Thank you Innish, Yes, it has not been a good 12 months in relation to these matters. It is a really good job that there have been some very nice things this year to keep me going and keep some sunshine in my life.

I think I will go back to see my counsellor after Christmas, just want to take away the "12 months ago" element to this by sitting through it.

OW, I have heard couldn't even stand it if he talked to a waitress in a friendly way, and insists on access to his email, which she monitors, so yes, i do feel a bit sorry for her.

It’s very hard

I ended an emotionally abusive relationship about 18 months ago and I still have so many hang ups.

Unfortunately I’m still in contact with her as she owes me £8000 which went through the courts but it seems she can’t ever just pay me without me having to nag for it. Sometimes I do wonder if I’m better off letting it go as speaking to her makes me very down and angry.

I’ve dated a bit since, currently been seeing someone for 3 months but it’s made me realise how messed up I am. I accidentally broke a glass and was literally shaking in fear of her reaction....I have a very confrontational job involving dealing with a lot of difficult people, confrontation doesn’t scare me but I literally shat myself. I never feel good enough. I have to really watch myself because I now overcompensate and just endlessly give give give give. I don’t believe a word anyone says to me.

It’s very difficult. I’ve had a bit of therapy but I can’t afford it at the moment so I have to middle through the best I can, but I genuinely feel that it’s going to affect my relationships for the rest of my life. And then I feel stupid because in my line of work I deal with so many victims of domestic abuse who have it so so much worse.

yes ,FEL, this is how it gets you, when you have got the issue of trusting someone so wrong it makes you wary and nervous. Actually I'm wondering if I've been going through the darkest hour before the dawn as since starting this thread I have felt a bit better. Well, I have realised a bit more what an utter shit he was. I too have a job which involves sorting out other peoples problems (difficult ones) and I cope with that just fine. It is outside work I still don't really know who I am. I met this man through on line dating, and he had me almost believing I was a saddo for doing this, but hey, he was doing it too, as is nearly everyone else these days.

Astrabees your post really struck me. I'm about 18 months down the line from a similar separation (came out of the blue, he'd been having an affair). It really does rock your world and disrupt your sense of what is real and valuable and dependable.
I initially went through a manic phase where I had a tonne of energy and threw myself into an exciting new hobby and online dating. I'm in a new, loving relationship and have had some positive things happen in my career. I've changed so much since the separation and most of these changes are positive. But as you posted,
"I'm still not right though."
Sometimes the sadness comes back to grasp at me and I think about the life we had and the separation of our family (we have 2 small dc).

A friend had a similar experience and she said it was 'the best, worst thing that's ever happened to her' but I don't feel this way. I think even when you 'get better' and adjust and come out a stronger person, that doesn't negate the sadness of what happened. I still consider it to be a tragedy that I have simply had to make the best of.
" I just want to be emotionally free, I've tried so hard and on the face of it have had a great year but it doesn't feel like that inside."
I totally hear you on that. I enjoyed the Chumplady blog and she calls this the state of 'meh' - where you don't care at all about him.
I think the trick is that it doesn't happen suddenly, its' gradual. And certainly you are doing all the right things.

I went back to my counsellor after the first set of sessions I did with her and asked why I was down again when I'd felt like I was making progress before. She said that progress isn't always a straightforward process and there are bound to be bumps along the way.
I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm so glad to hear in your recent post that the dawn is looking closer.

And the guy who thought you were a 'saddo' for online dating is utterly ridiculous. Even my never emotionally scarred, young, attractive twenty something friend dates online. He is totally projecting his own self-loathing. How silly of him.

I've heard this quote on here before and I like it - "When you're going through hell, keep going." As in, you're on the right track, you just need to keep doing the things you're doing. We'll get there.

Sounds like you are still believing his hype about other woman being crazy/controlling ext. You know it"s him putting that story out there right? To make her seem like she is the one with the issues. Even if she is doing that stuff, it's because he's drove her to that level of insanity.

Anyway, none of that is actually relevant to you anymore. You shouldn't even know about it. He should be blocked on all social media and any mutual friends who insist on gossiping, dropped. Because if they tell you about him, they tell him about you too.

He's made you feel undesirable, it's up to you however, to get your desirability back. I think there comes a point where we have to take some responsibility for how we feel about ourselves - get a haircut, go on a diet, take some self confidence class or other. Maybe go on a few dates if you feel ready. Or go get done up and get some sexy glamour shots, that can really boost self confidence.

He doesn't define you, he never did. It's time to move on. No more snooping. End it. Because you still haven't, not really. And you need to.

I know she is controlling. She contacted me on my social email and told me she had read everything I had ever sent him and that she had decided with him that I was not even permitted to send him a happy birthday message. I know it is not relevant. Neither of them are on any sort of social media and it was a long distance relationship, we have no mutual friends.

PBB I know you are right. I look quite OK objectively I have lovely hair already, i just feel as if I'm in the "Meh zone" I have a new boyfriend who is lovely, and who compliments me a lot on my looks. Istill don't feel right though.

Pft, I would have went 'I wasn't planning to but thanks for the heads up ... ... xD'

Maybe he sent it on her account to try make himself seem more desirable or something (forbidden fruit). Otherwise, maybe he's met his match lol.

I think everyone feels a bit bleh sometimes though. It would be a different world entirely if every women was entirely happy with themselves all the time.

You have my sympathy. I'm in a very similar situation.

Oh my goodness Pinkbonbon, from what I know now I wouldn't put that past him. This is just speculation and curiosity on my part but a couple of years back in his real emails to me he quoted someone else as using a particular and rather odd description of their life. I've never heard him use those words or speak in that way. Last year she sent me a "keep away" email after I had split up with him and she used that self same set of words. I couldn't care less now but the idea that he might have sent that email is an interesting one.

Last week I had a bad week, this week, where I have been busy at work and out a couple of times is much better. Thank you for your support, everyone.