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Original poster

Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

941 replies

Fedupofitnow123 · 28/10/2019 12:30

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 29/10/2019 11:12

This is terrifying

Please follow the advice and contact the police and womens aid.

I hope you get out of this awful relationship

GrandTheftWalrus · 29/10/2019 11:16

Please contact the police op. He needs stopped.

Onescaredmuma · 29/10/2019 11:20

OP I don't think I've ever been so worried about a stranger on line. My heart is saying you need to just take your son walk away and never come back even for your stuff. My head knows it's not that simple. It sounds like your seeing sense and making a plan to leave good luck with it and I wish you and your children a happier future.

kathryn19801 · 29/10/2019 11:34

Pack your clothes and throw them out the bedroom window. Then walk out front door with nothing other than your handbag and gather up the stuff outside. He won't see anything unusual on cameras then. Get to a police station, report him and ask for assistance to get you and your little boy to your relatives. Xx

PlanningApplication · 29/10/2019 11:41

Good idea Kathryn!

RealMermaid · 29/10/2019 11:43

You could also possibly say that you'll do a clear out of some old things for a charity shop doorstep collection, bag stuff up in plastic bags and avoid suspicion that way?

RainbowAlicorn · 29/10/2019 11:45

Kathryn has a good idea. If you can't do that is he a deep sleeper? Could you sneak out at night while he is asleep and go to a police station? You really need to get out OP and as soon as possible. He is dangerous and has you completely isolated on purpose. The cameras arent for your son they are to watch you, to make sure you are doing what you are supposed to be. If you can, get proof of what he is like. He is likely to hide the cameras and delete the footage on his phone.

gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 11:49

Yeah but guys he is self employed so she never knows when he is just going to turn up or not. I say fuck it, you dont need clothes, if your family are solid then just go for it.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 29/10/2019 11:52

Hello there FedUp,
We really hope you don't mind but we've moved your thread to our Relationships board, it's a bit more of a gentle place to seek support than AIBU.
When you get a moment to yourself, it might be an idea to watch , or cast your eye over this Freedom Programme material.
Flowers

Interestedwoman · 29/10/2019 12:13

You need to leave. As others have said, I think if you call the police and say he's threatened to kill you if you leave, they'll help you get out. So sorry you're in this situation. Hugs xxx

notapizzaeater · 29/10/2019 13:52

It sounds terrifying - can you talk to your friend ?

thetoddleratemyhomework · 29/10/2019 14:33

Leave leave leave leave leave.

Techway · 29/10/2019 15:03

Wishing you strength to leave this awful situation.

Please, please do seek help for yourself and son.

BrieAndChilli · 29/10/2019 15:09

I think the best thing to do is ring the police or get someone to ring the police on your behalf.
That way its on record (if you just leave he will track you down/twist it to say its your falut etc)
The poilice can come round and protect you while you pack up everything you want to take,
either have someone waiting to drive you to family or if no family to womens aid.

Right now find you passports/birth certificatas and important docs and put them somewhere safe if you can.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 15:32

Reading this thread has made my blood run cold.

I really hope you can get the help you need to leave this man.

Can you walk into a police station tomorrow (when he thinks you're at work) and tell them everything that is going on, including the tracking and cameras?

I know you can only update at work but I'm so worried for your safety.

GummyGoddess · 29/10/2019 15:54

Please say you're leaving.

I also found the tapping quite sinister, but because it reminds me strongly of a Stephen King novel. The husband just pokes at her with a pencil and she just has to stay still. Obviously as it's a Stephen King novel you can guess how it goes, but surely the fact that that behaviour is in a horror novel will get you to move it and get out asap. What do you really need? You can replace clothes and toiletries, so just cash, computer and paperwork?

Whiskers14 · 29/10/2019 16:00

Right, here's how you leave without him seeing you on camera. Do you know where your main fusebox is inside the house? If so, trip the main switch on the pretence that there is a power cut. Then get you and your son the hell out, even if it means only taking the clothes on your back and the bare essentials. Good luck! Flowers

Fannybaws52 · 29/10/2019 17:13

Call the Police and tell them everything including the cameras and coercive behaviour and past physical abuse.

Call Womans Aid. Get a paper trail started so he cant get 50/50 custody or force you into facing him in mediation.

See a solicitor to lock down your son and rights.

Make no mistake. He is and has always been your abuser. Only now the scales are falling from your eyes.

Be careful, clever and brave. You can free yourself and live the life you deserve. Flowers

Whatisthisfuckery · 29/10/2019 17:58

Jesus christ, another one whose blood has run cold reading your thread. I hope you’re ok.

Can you confide in your friend? Maybe use her phone to call WA and the police, just in case he’s monitoring your phone. You need to get out and you need to get somewhere he can’t find you. If you have to leave all your stuff behind then so be it. You can get new stuff, you can’t get back time spent with this horrible abusive man.

Good luck OP. Sounds like you’re going to need the full weight of the law and every court order under the sun to get rid of this psycho but it can be done.

Please be safe and look after your DS. Neither you or him will ever regret leaving if you do, but you need to do the hard bit first. Get all the help and support you can. You need to get away quickly though, because this man is fucking dangerous.

Good luck, and sending you strength. You sound like a capable intelligent woman, you can do it.

HarrietsHat · 29/10/2019 18:38

If you do not end your relationship with this man, you could end up watching your children repeat it.

If you end the relationship, you do so explaining to your DS that his father's behaviour is unacceptable and that you will always do anything you can to keep him and his sibling safe and happy. You will be teaching him not to accept abuse (because be honest this relationship is abusive) and not to treat other people (partners) the way he has witnessed his father treat you. You will also be undermining all the abuse that has gone on by showing your son that all of those things his father has done to make him feel shit were wrong. No amount of trying to shield your kids can ever compare to actually showing them how to deal with a bullying, gaslighting arsehole.

I know this from experience. If you don't value yourself enough to leave, value your children enough.

Fizzysours · 29/10/2019 19:32

Please leave this man. The face tapping. Bizarre and nasty. If some man did this to my daughters I would be in tears and so worried about them...and beg them to leave...please leave my love. He is very nasty

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 29/10/2019 21:30

So. Another night and I've told him I don't want to be here anymore.

We started a business, it's with all of his skills, I've set it up, made the LinkedIn page, done an introductory letter. I pick DS up from karate and get back here 8:30, late dinner because the class is at an awkward time for us.

DP then starts talking about the business, that I should be ringing around managers and speaking to them, I said "I don't get phone numbers on LinkedIn" He made out I'm thick, "use the Internet, you're just finding a way out of it" I said I wasn't "Then why say you don't have them on LinkedIn, are we going to have a fight about this, you're making me think like I was thinking on Sunday!" I asked what that was then, he told me not to worry. I called DS to get his dinner, and he had asked me a question but DS had said something, because I didn't immediately answer DP it was me again shutting down the conversation. I've left my food, told him I don't want to be here anymore and come upstairs.

He just came up and asked if I'm going to eat. Second time this week he's completely put me off food. But it's all me, because I don't want to talk about this right now. Actually, I don't, I'm pregnant, tired and want to fucking rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 29/10/2019 21:31

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery Thank you, you worded it better than I would have! I'm just trying to adjust my thinking now. He jabbed me in the face again tonight and when I said don't the night immediately got sour from that point.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 29/10/2019 21:40

I don't know how you haven't poked his fucking eyes out when he's doing that face tapping thing. Get that recorded on the cctv.

He is beyond horrendous. This is an awful environment for your child to be growing up in.

Get the hell out of there.

GreenTulips · 29/10/2019 21:53

OP please make friends with readitandwept
she’ll sort you out!