Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

Could you chuck a T-shirt or towel or something over th cameras ? Then literally walk out door into a taxi ?

Hate people that let little children down, I mean what kind of person gets a child excited about something and let’s them down? Horrible people that’s who.

He isn’t even a decent dad, that’s before you even look at how he is with you. Does he make you feel good? Are you happy? If a friend was in this relationship what would you say?

Would your family take you in? If yes, then Take your DS, get a train/plane that 200 miles and go. Take just a backpack if you have too, things aren’t important at the end of the day

Another option would be to hire and man and van and get them to help you load the van up so it’s a quick process, then drop you at refuge. You’d be surprised how helpful people can be .

Ive not read everyone's replies OP, but your midwife should be regularly asking you, while you are on your own, if everything is ok in your relationship. Mine said she had to ask at 3 separate occasions during my pregnancy. They are trained to help you. I hope you get the help you need.

I’d also seriously consider speaking to the police about it. Can you pop to the shop but Ring the non urgent line and explain your situation? Think they’d be interested in the cameras tbh

Please tell your midwife at your next appointment that you are in an abusive relationship. Or your sonographer if you go for your anomaly scan alone. They will help you xxx

My ex was like this. He only meant what he said when he said it. He changed his mind and unless his ego would get a massive boost from whatever he'd suggested or agreed to, I was unreasonable for thinking he'd follow through. I am still relived not to deal with him 7 years after leaving him.

Can't you turn the cameras off. Or could you get someone round preferably a male so you have time to get all your belongings together. Or ring the police so they're there whilst you pack up your stuff?

This sounds scary and creepy, the tapping face is abusive and really fucking odd as are all thee cameras!

How far away is his work? ie if he sees something on the camera how many minutes do you have?

If you have a car you can smuggle stuff out to the car in small amounts. Or could a family member turn up in a car to help you get out?

If the cameras are downstairs you can pack a case or two upstairs whilst he is at work. Then when your family member turns up or you are ready, just put everything in the car and go.

You need all the documents you can lay your hands on, passports for you and Ds, birth certificates, ID, etc, any money you can transfer to yourself and get out.

This is not a good relationship, he chose you because you were young. You and Ds and the unborn baby deserve so much better than this.

Please remember that if this escalates you can ring the police and have every right to. Please stay safe.

You may wish to have this moved the the relationships board where sadly a lot of MNetters have experienced these types of men.

Turn the WiFi off and tell 'DP' the WiFi has gone down?

Can you go to your family?

How am I going to get past the cameras, unless I leave with nothing but a backpack, one camera on backdoor, one in lounge, two on front door.

Just go, this man is a monster, he is abusing you and your son. Don’t worry about your stuff for now, you and ds are more important than furniture.
Take as much as you can in a back pack and go to your family.

I knew someone whose DP was this controlling, including cameras. As well as damaging her, it caused enormous damage to her DC. Get out as soon as you can safely do so.

What an absolutely lovely Mummy you are, going to so much effort to give your son a wonderful birthday (and you did).

Your son sounds like a lovely little boy.

As to the rest, well done for having the courage to post. It helps to write it down. And see it in black and white.

Mumsnet are here for you, OP. Take your time, get strong and just know that your sisters the vipers are here for you every step of the way.

Please leave. Get protected. Stay safe.

A pp said her brother used to do the tapping thing to her. Mine too. I’d forgotten. He is / was also violent to me. What I have learnt is that he doesn’t see me as a person in my own right. I’m an object just like you and your lovely ds are objects for him.

If there is stuff you really need. Hire a storage space, take a backpack there every day for a week. You can even wear extra clothes. Tell him you are going to a charity shop. Then on the day you are ready to go you can walk out with a small bag.

Or go to the police, explain you are a victim of coercive control, which is an offence, that you are monitored by CCTV in your on home and need help to leave safety as your DP has been physically aggressive.

“I feel like I’m going crazy”

THATS BECAUSE HE IS GASLIGHTING YOU

seriously is this the life you want for yourself and two children?
Your partner is an abusive arsehole who will send you absolutely insane with his twisted game playing. It’s one thing to expose yourself to that but quite another to let him damage your kids. And he will, he will fuck them up with his vindictive, abusive, mean spirited, spiteful character.

Your partner should be your biggest support and champion, he is not even a friend, he treats you like he hates you. Time to leave.

own home

Every update just got worse and worse OP, well done on realising it and the need to leave. Please tell your family and friends everything and you want to leave but can’t with the cameras. They will want to help you I promise and can call around and get everything in one go, so what if he then sees you leave as they’ll be people with you and he won’t get back in time.

Please please please contact women's aid and get help asap go to the shops to call them if need be

Why do you have to sneak past the cameras op? What do you think will happen if you just attempt to leave?

Do you ever get away from him, @Fedupofitnow123? Getting some milk, going shopping?

Does he work away from home.

List as many horrible things he does to us, and it can be used as evidence. He is beyond abusive and needs the attention of the police.

"The way your son was saying thank you dad over and over shows he already knows he has to placate him, I recognise that too. It has damaged my whole life." - I recognised that, too.

What about telling your soft play friend you need help? Can she phone the police on your behalf? Does she know any blokes with a van?

Seriously, if you have even a little money, do what was advised. When he is at work, turn the wifi off, call the police and get out of there.

Life will be SO much better when you are single OP. Good luck, we are here for you.

Can you kick this man out,or go somewhere else yourself for the time being. This is a horrible situation to be living under,and could get worse if you carry on like this.

Your partner sounds very immature,and moreso quite nasty and cruel. Some people here have suggested ways for you to get help, so I hope that you will accept some help from somewhere suitable.

If you tell him you're sick of being monitored like a criminal and tell him the cameras go or you do, would he turn them off or turn on you?

Do, do tell your midwife what's happening. Pregnancy is a time when a lot of people are keeping an eye on you, so a great chance to get yourself safe. You will be asked about violence and abuse at your booking visit.

Does he insist on coming with you? You can tell mw you want to been seen without him.

OP I am a qualified counsellor. Very often while working with a charity for women I would ask someone to write things down and then we looked at it together. When you look at your first post what do you think? You currently have hormones from pregnancy and by the sounds of it financial issues swirling around in your head as well but person to person if your mum/friend/sister had written that what would your response be? Read up about emotional abuse, gas-lighting and coercive control to arm yourself with information. I would also contact woman's aid as they do courses such as the freedom program and have support worker to talk to about practical issues. At this stage you need to untangle your emotions and look at this objectively because the way he is treating is not right. You deserve better and so do your children but its hard to deal with everything while emotions are high and you have no support. He will keep you emotional and on edge because its easier for him to keep you doubting yourself that way. He is playing a long game here they always do but once you have another child and are even more vulnerable it will be harder to walk away. Get some support now.