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Original poster

Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

941 replies

Fedupofitnow123 · 28/10/2019 12:30

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 22/11/2019 17:13

He has 2 sons and 2 daughters I knew nothing about. One of the daughters is pregnant. Hes going to be a grandfather. What the fuck, I am so stupid I didn't see this.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 22/11/2019 17:33

Oh my goodness, no wonder you are upset ! What a shock !

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 22/11/2019 17:35

I am massively upset. His sister is shocked from what I have revealed and has asked to take a break until next week. Fuck.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/11/2019 17:45

So he has proved again that he is a duplicitous shit. You are now getting glimpses of who he really is not the man he pretended to be.

BlouseAndSkirt · 22/11/2019 17:46

This is terrible OP, you poor thing.

How did you find this out?

You have been in touch with his sister?

Raphael34 · 22/11/2019 17:48

Wtf???????

Raphael34 · 22/11/2019 17:49

How old is he and how long have you been together?? And you didn’t know this??!!

BlouseAndSkirt · 22/11/2019 17:53

Raphael....It's in the OP's posts.

Raphael34 · 22/11/2019 18:11

Sorry, I did skim through but there was too many pages too go through

AFairlyHardAvocado · 22/11/2019 18:40

Oh my god OP I wish I could say something to make this any better at all I am so so sorry. I know they're frowned upon on MN but I want to give you a million kisses. Fuck. Fucking arsehole. Fucking fucking arsehole. Is there anything any of us can do / say / help with at all? If not, the MN army is still standing with you. I'm so sorry these people are unbelievable living a lie like this xxxxxxx

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 22/11/2019 19:45

Thank you everyone, there isn't really anything anyone can say, I just dont know who I was with, I really dont. I have no idea.

Yea spoke to his sister.

I have no idea whether to tell ds at a later date or keep it completely to myself, so exhausted

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 22/11/2019 19:53

I can't believe how you are having one thing piled on top of another. Just take it one breath at a time.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/11/2019 20:01

You don’t have to worry about what to tell your DS in the future now, so park that one - you have enough to think about.

Give yourself some time to process things. It’s been a stressful day so have an easy weekend.

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 22/11/2019 20:57

Noted on parking it, thank you!

I'm waiting for ds to go to sleep (hes up a little later to see me bless him) and then going to speak to my parents, then that's it for this week, I refuse to do anymore and I'm going to rest until Monday!

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 22/11/2019 21:42

Yes OP don't do anything you don't absolutely have to do this weekend. Have cuddles with DS, spoil both of you with nice food and films and snugs. I'm so sorry this is all happening you sound so strong though and DS will be so proud of you when he's older (well and now!) Thanks

Clearnightsky · 22/11/2019 22:27

Read some of this thread and your latest updates. Awful this is awful for you.

It’s a massive shock, and you will take a while to recover. However you will recover. Simplify your life for a bit is my advice. Have lovely moments with your kids. Chats with friends. Make nice dinners. Ground yourself and keep going. As well as everything else. Very easy to be knocked totally off by all this.

Thehop · 22/11/2019 23:16

Hang onto that feeling of not knowing who he was.

This is not your fault.

Try to rest this weekend, you’re doing great x

Fallingirl · 23/11/2019 00:37

That feeling of not being believed is the most awful of them all. But don’t forget the police officer isn’t the judge, and the judge will hear from your solicitor, which the police haven’t.

There are so many of us, many, many women who are following your thread even though we rarely comment, and we all believe you.

Weenurse · 23/11/2019 05:56

💐

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 23/11/2019 08:18

Not being believed is soul crushing, even though they have the messages where he admitted some of the stuff.

Nightmares again last night, and I'm feeling really disconnected from the baby, disgusted almost, I'm hoping its reactionary to the shock of everything, I've decided not to tell ds until sometime next year, it's too much to load onto his shoulders as it is.

OP posts:
MsConstrue · 23/11/2019 08:25

Can you access any counselling OP? You would find that very helpful and a comfort I think.

I had an abusive ex - spilled over to violence in a couple of occasions too, and I agree, the feeling of not being believed by the authorities (the police did believe me) was horrendous. You have cling on to the fact you KNOW what happened. A counsellor would help you with that, when you are doubting. My abuser is denying it ever happened too. Going about his every day life. With a child too. He's so damaging and that child is subjected to him every day. It's so horrible.

MsConstrue · 23/11/2019 08:26

Oh and sorry I read the whole thread, but have you considered that you have PTSD? Nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety etc, all symptoms of that.

I was diagnosed with that while in my abusive relationship and there are specific tools you can use. Also, it really helps to know you are normal, your reaction is normal.

Quartz2208 · 23/11/2019 08:27

Oh OP you don’t know they don’t believe you. But as I said the order you were wanting is a temporary one to keep people safe without hearing proper evidence. As he doesn’t know where you are there is no need.
Everyone has the right to be heard at a trial and their viewpoint put forward. Regardless of the outcome today the end result would be the same. In this instance it would seem inflammatory as well to send through such an order to him and the thinking may well be the opposite that the status quo at the moment is he is reflecting and calm.
If he had been served with it today that could have gone and it would be a tense two weeks potentially using police resources if he found you.
For them this is the most expedient and easiest way. The decision as to who to believe will be the judges based on the evidence and testimony at the trial

Needsomebottle · 23/11/2019 09:14

OP, be kind to yourself, try not to overanalyse your feelings towards your baby, you've been through absolute hell, and are still going through a really bloody difficult time. You are going to feel differently from one day to the next, from one hour to the next. Try to remain focused on how far you have come and how you are moving towards a life full of possibility for your children, full of hope for you, you have unshackled yourself and them and that is amazing.

Don't put a time frame on when you will tell DS. Just be content that you aren't telling him now. Let that be that. In a year he may have no contact with him. You may decide to wait until he is more emotionally mature and distanced further to tell him. Or the time may feel right. Just wait and see, get through now. You are doing amazingly well. I hope you realise how strong you are. To do what you have done. You are an absolute inspiration.

Clearnightsky · 23/11/2019 10:36

Yes I can see why the order might not have been made. Any of these orders are there to safeguard, - but they can have consequences like escalating and also I was told sometimes then a man might put in his own complaint in ‘his defence’. Sorry not to worry you, I was told his by a DV counselor - courts probably see this a lot.

If you were deemed safe then they may have taken the view that the risks were not worth the order at this current time.

Again are you seeing a DV support worker? I’ve been seeing one for a few weeks and I can’t tell you how helpful it is. It’s different from counselling or a solicitor or the police, in that they can tell you about them pattern’ can give a really really useful perspective on courts and orders, and also on how to cope afterwards.

Honestly they are amazing please do see one and phone women’s aid too for a couple of chats.

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