Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

@Fedupofitnow123

As there was a report of DV, SS would have been informed by the police. However, you have escaped and doing everything in trying to keep your DS and unborn DC safe. They will support you and possibly help, put in residency orders and non molestations orders, for your protection.

Your DS, does sound wonderful. He can finally be a child in a relaxed and happy environment. For him to suggest that he wanted to leave, this speaks volumes.

It also speaks volumes as well, that because his pleas of love and so on are not working, he is now trying to scare you....then eventually he’ll get angry.

It sounds as if you have a wonderful relationship with you son. And by leaving your horrible abusive ex, you have put him first. Social services will see this in a flash. So please don't worry.

Social Services will see someone who left an abusive relationship because of the negative impact on their DC and has moved to an area where they and their DC have family support. That is exactly the sort of thing they want people to do.
Please don’t feel threatened, you haven’t done anything wrong.

(Did your DH used to make out that you were a bad parent and you would lose the DC if you left him by any chance? - that is often part of the abuser script)

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude is absolutely right:

Social Services will see someone who left an abusive relationship because of the negative impact on their DC and has moved to an area where they and their DC have family support. That is exactly the sort of thing they want people to do.

If you were doing anything differently then they'd look upon you less favourably. Right now you are doing exactly what they need you to do in order to provide you with support and see you as someone who is a strong, sensible and safe parent. Well done you!

yes, agree about social services. Welcome them and ask for their support in building a network in your new area and keeping both you and your son safe from this man. They will prove to be your greatest allies.

You have managed to leave one of the most oppresive forms of coercive control Ive seen on mumsnet. You and your son were incredibly brave to do so. The CCTV in every room and seeing if you were going in or out was horrific.

I home schooled my daughter for a while, and met some mums who have been doing it fantastically - often better than many that go to home ed groups, so allow your son to shine while SS are there - dont let home ed become an issue for them.

@Fedupofitnow123 tell SS everything, so it's noted on file incase they have to supply a report if anything goes to court. They're there to help you as others have said and hey have no reason from what you've said to even think about taking your son away from you.

@Madratlady I have personal first hand experience of an ex who filed a PSO because he wanted him returned to school. I had to fight it and I won. My eldest child is now enrolled in another school miles away from the “family “ home. It was all the more difficult because I had had not had the chance to register him somewhere new his father moved thst fast. This was days after begging for another chance m requesting mediation then the same day rejecting it,.

These abusive men will cry one minute then try any trick in the book. @Fedupofitnow123 you might as well be prepared for the fact that he will do anything he can to control and subdue you, your child is the obvious choice of weapon: my advice was based on this that happened to me.
It is not about him maintaining stability for the child it is about trying to get you to capitulate and go back for what will be even worse. Again I know.

I had a 999 marker on my house. It took them three hours to arrive. I don’t live in a big city. He had gone with a smirk by the time they got there.

And as for social services being so observant and touchy feely well not in my experience. I will not go into my own details too much actually dismissed me and accuse me of creating some of the things that were going on. Even in the face of irrefutable evidence. My other support network of HV and children’s support workers were so much more professional and perceptive. They literally saved me at times.

I hope you don’t feel upset by my sharing this but you are setting out on a long and hard path to leave this man. I was pregnant too. It pushed me to my limits but I got through it and you will too.

You are doing the only thing and the right thing but it will get hard and it will be overwhelming. I hope you see this in the spirit in which it is intended which is this: expect the worst, be prepared for setbacks but always remember why you are doing this.

I had social services involved when my ex was violent to me. It's exactly what the PP said - they are very helpful and just want to see that the children are safe. Because you have taken your child out of that environment you are fine.

They would be more concerned (rightly so) if you were with your ex still. Social services said that they would have had to intervene if I was with my ex. And they would have been more concerned if my children were my exes too (they weren't). Social Services just want to protect vulnerable children, by taking your ds away, you've done the best thing you could as a parent, and they'll know that.

As others said, social services are there to support you. They understand domestic abuse. They understand it isn't as easy as just walking away, and they will be SO impressed that you have done this, that you recognised the seriousness of your situation and you got out. They will see how amazing you are.

They have an obligation to support your family, they will want to make sure you are safe, as is your DC and the baby you're going to have, and they can work with and refer you to other agencies of support. I know the first thing people fear is that they will take their child/ren but that is rare in the grand scheme of their work, and they do so much more than that, they will be there to help. You are amazing. They will see that too.

Thank you so much everyone, so, they haven't even been out to see us, and they said that is the last that I will hear from them as we have a plan in place, have applied for housing and have the police involved, the provided a contact number so I can continue homeschooling and that's that! I cant believe it, I thought they would be involved for much longer

That's great. You are so clearly doing everything right for your DS.

Oh that must be a relief, and take that as a huge sign that they have utmost confidence in your choices and parenting. Make sure you remember that. On the bad days. That you're doing a great job.

I hope that highlights the disparity between what your ex would say about a situation, and what an outside professional would assess.

It shows up that his statements were wholly designed to destroy your self esteem and autonomy and keep you a prisoner to be his personal slave and punchbag

But nobody else has the same view. Every professional you have come accross feels you are perfectly able and capable, and that it was HIM with the problem

And also shows how far better off you and your boy are away from him

He had me fully prisoner unfortunately, I am so glad I posted here and woke up thanks to you wonderful people.

I had started to write everything down in a notebook, scanned what I had so far and sent it to the police, they phoned today and said that what is written in the notebook alone is coercive control and that they are filing that along with the physical abuse. I feel relieved, when I was writing it I was still thinking that it wasn't that bad and I was exaggerating it all, it feels good to have it as the police saying it is coercive control

You are doing so well.

Can I ask was it your idea or his to go down the home schooling route? It obviously is working for you both which is great. I only ask as it might have been another way of him trying to isolate you at home.

This is not a criticism of HS at all!

That's good to know, but can I gently suggest you keep writing down everything, and also seek to talk with WA or some other DV trained councellor ASAP. You will find, as you talk more, that stuff you had been trained and bullied into thinking was "acceptable behaviour" from him, is actually really very abusive and coercive indeed.
Some of the stuff I just "took as routine" in my abusive relationship made my DV councellor's jaw actually drop, when I told her about it.

Homeschooling was his idea, and then working from home was also his idea, it became normal to be alone so so much! He even joked about the time I said I wanted more friends.

I am still writing stuff and have to get onto a charity for counselling for us both, will continue on Monday, I'm allowing the weekends to be completely free of it all!

Have the dating scan for baby tomorrow, as I am in a new location they want to do another, I'll be 17+5, do you think they'll tell me the gender of the baby?

Oh op that’s horrible he wanted you isolated so much he was scared of the school run he isolated his son as well

OP, this is why so many people have asked about the homeschooling. There is nothing bad or wrong about homeschooling and you have obviously done a great job, but because if the isolation, we had a strong suspicion it could be linked to the coercive control.

I am glad the police are taking it so seriously.

I'm so glad the Police have been fully supportive OP, you're getting there

So glad to hear you are getting support.

I had to have scans at 16 weeks with my pregnancies and with my second she was positioned so that they had a good view between her legs so could give a fairly confident answer as to sex. I hope you can find out. How exciting! Something lovely to look forward to!

I did wonder about the home schooling and home working
That happened to me, also, hence my concerns.
You have been so brave! BRAVA!

Yep, your admission does not surprise me in the very least. He didn’t love you or your wonderful DS, he wanted absolute control.

If you haven’t already done so, please inform the police of this as well. I hope they arrest him and you really need the police to give you some protection. He’s so deranged, that l wouldn’t put it past him to become very violent or try to take DS in spite.

In regards, to the home schooling your DS has had a lot of upheaval (in a positive way ), so continuing to do this will give him some consistency and familiarity. You may decide to continue to do this or send him to school, you are now in a brand new life and can make whatever decisions you like!

You are so brave
I admire what you've done so, so much

Op I have just read your entire thread, I am in awe of you and your strength.