Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

best of luck for tomorrow. what time is your brother coming?
Your brother needs to come and help you. If your husband stays home for some reason he still needs to come, and if he is not allowed in thehn he must call 999 immediately and say you are in danger.

OP, definitely involve Women’s Aid.
They will help you with the police. They can put you in touch with the (very supportive) DV unit. They can be with you when you talk to the police.

Once you are out, write a factual list of what you have told us here:
Emotional abuse and gaslighting (ruined Ds’ birthday)
Poking you in the face as a regular thing
Threats including death threats
Pushing you
Cameras

If you can’t speak, give them the list.

WA and the police know how hard it is for you to talk.

You need the police because you need them to take out an order against him, preventing him from contacting you or coming near you. Maybe to keep him out of the house.

Is it rented or owned? If rented is it Council or HA ? If so WA can advise you on getting the tenancy transferred to you.

Go to your bother, then use your brothers phone to call WA or police DV.

You are being so brave. And such s good Mim.

Good luck love 🍀

Best of luck tomorrow. You can do this for you and your son. If he lays another finger on you between now and tomorrow when you leave please call the police. Will keep everything crossed for you 🤞🏻

I'll be thinking of you tonight and tomorrow OP.
Take courage from having a thousand vipers of MumsNet at your back and on your side.
Good luck and be safe. x

Good luck tomorrow. I've been checking this thread to see if you are ok. You're doing the right thing for yourself and your children xxx

You are so brave. All the best for tomorrow. You can do this!! Well done for making the right decision, you’re amazing xx

So brave OP! Thinking of you xx

Im so horrified at this thread OP in that what you have lived under for 9 yrs is cruel beyond words. Well done for getting things in place. Your poor boy but so lucky to have you . Remember tomorrow is the first day of a new better life for both of you. Sending you virtual hugs x

I am so glad to hear of your plan. Stay safe and remember you are doing the right thing for you and your children. This will be such an emotional rollercoaster and all I can say is you’re not alone, but do not bottle things up! Use your family. Contact services and police. Journal how you feel so that it doesn’t all bottle up. Your feelings are valid. You are worthy of such a better life and I hope you realise how brave you are being.
You are doing the right thing.
Anxiously waiting your update 💖

OP we are all thinking of you and your dear DS and your baby. You are making the right choice and however scary it is it is a million times better than what you have been enduring.

Praying for your safe escape .

Good luck

I cant sleep, feel so sick!!!

Good luck!! xx

It will be adrenalin. Can you try this?

The 4-7-8 breathing technique, also known as "relaxing breath," involves breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds.
This breathing pattern aims to reduce anxiety or help people get to sleep.

@techway I will try thank you , i keep thinking how he said last night that he didnt come to soft play because he was "tired from working all week and I dont appreciate that" I must be so awful in his eyes.

Oh, OP, I know your must be frightened but you’re doing the right thing. You and your DS sound lovely and caring, you both deserve to live a life where you feel loved and appreciated, where you’re not walking on eggshells in your own home.

Please do what others have suggested and tell the police. Controlling men can escalate once their partners get away from them, putting cameras on you is extreme behaviour.

Good luck, you can do this.

It’s easier for him to blame everything on you rather than accepting his own failings. You’re his emotional punch bag.

Just read all this and am another who wants to say you're amazing and being so strong.

When you ring the police, don't worry if you get upset. They hear upset all the time. Just take your time and let them talk you through it. Put your brother on the phone to give an overview if that's easier.

You are being an amazing mummy. Remember that. Wishing you all the luck in the world xx

Thank you so much, emotional punching bag sounds about right. I went out to see my brother on Saturday and even though I spent £5 and at first he said he was angry about me spending money (he can buy what he likes though as he works, I dont earn enough so I dont have the same privilege)

He then said it was about the "principle" as we had no money and he had worked all week, therefore I should stay in. And he isn't telling me to stay in either. Work that out.

Sorry I'm just dropping it here, his alarm will go off in 50 mins

You can do this, we are all behind you,

You get out of there with your ds and your lives will begin. You can and will do this. Wishing you strength OP.

I've just been reading all of this, and wanted to say what a brave lady you are.
Please follow all the advice above from pp, ESPECIALLY the police suggestions.
You can do this. Good luck and let us know when you are safe x

Hes getting ready for work now. I feel so bad knowing I'm taking his son and he doesnt even know to say goodbye. Feel really awful.

You can do this, you are brave and amazing, doing the best you can do as a mother, your new life begins today, onwards and upwards, wishing you all the luck in the world.