This could be a long post so thank you for reading, I’ll try to keep it brief but there’s quite a lot of background to cover to make it relevant.
DH and I got together about a year after he separated from his wife. It was a mutual separation, no others involved . The two children (both girls), then primary school age, were a top consideration (quite rightly) and stayed with their dad around 40% of the time, which included EOW. Mum was and still is resident parent but they have regular and happy visits to dad.
I didn’t meet the children for over a year and when I did it was very informal and friendly, not pushy. I NEVER tried to be anything other than dad’s girlfriend, I got on well with the children, particularly the older one, and we now have a sort of friendly auntie type of relationship where they occasionally confide in me, have a bit of a moan, tell me about school, that sort of thing. Nothing to cause problems and if there were I would highlight this to their dad immediately. I am extremely fond of my step daughters, it’s not been the easiest of paths, but they are now 18 and 16 and I’m now married to their dad. We’ve rocked along nicely for 10 years.
I remember vividly DH’s ex having several episodes of anger and really nasty abuse at the start of our relationship (mostly aimed at DH) which I stayed out of. She felt he’d moved on too quickly and she hadn’t. She directed some of this at me, I read horrible emails (which he showed me), she posted on social media how I was pushy and trying to be mum (totally untrue). All sorts of grief which angered me, but I didn’t say anything to her and tried to tell DH it would pass. She held up the divorce for years (because she could).
She’s on Mumsnet and I know it’s her (there’s no doubt whatsoever), even her user name gives her away. It’s interesting that she still holds a bit of a gripe about me and DH and has the occasional dig.
I’m getting to the reason for my post. DSD2 has been telling us about mum’s new boyfriend recently. She hates him, she says he tries to be her dad, tries to tell her off all the time. He’s moving into their house and she wants to move out. I take some of this with a pinch of salt. It’s not an easy dynamic being a step parent, especially to a 16 year old girl. But so much of what she’s saying is the exact same as I was accused of by her mum in the early days. Not to overstep my boundaries, not to try to be mum, to allow time for DSD’s to be alone with their dad. I find it astonishing that she’s allowing her boyfriend to do exactly all of these things?
In some ways I think it’s Karma biting her on the bum, but that’s not helpful considering how unhappy DSD2 is. Her dad and I have discussed this but he doesn’t think it would be such a good move for her to move in with us in her GCSE year. All of the upheaval, the inevitable fighting between her mum and dad as mum would not be happy at all. I’d be happy for DSD2 to move in, it’s not that, I just want the best for her. What do you think?