Used and discarded, how do I carry on?

[Gummybear3]

As I write this all my self respect is on the ground, I am absolutely ashamed of myself and feel like a complete idiot. I was in a long term relationship with my ex, we decided to have a baby, I had my suspicions he was cheating when I was pregnant so I called a meeting with him and the woman present and confronted them, both lied and said there was absolutely nothing going on, I was hormonal and imagining things, and why couldn't opposite sexes be good friends. I foolishly got pregnant again, in the first few weeks of pregnancy I had my suspicions again and one day his phone made a butt call to me and I could tell he was at her home, they weren't doing anything wrong in the call just talking, laughing etc, but I had had enough and as soon as he came home I told him to go. So he packed his bags and moved in with her. I admit I kind of lost the plot here, but I was trying to move on, but he kept using seeing his son as a reason to be in constant communication with me. 7 FaceTime calls a day or more, constant unexpected visits, constant guilt trip of going on outings with him for our child. Anyways one day this woman bumped into me all smug and I made it known I was pregnant, she lost the plot. He moved out of her flat and I really didn't know too much what was going on. He then started pestering me to have an abortion day and night, I refused.

Anyways I'll jump forward a bit now, the other woman couldn't handle the fact I had a new baby and moved far away. Just left him like that. He started to come around me more, and we began sleeping together again, I don't know why I did it. I just have low self esteem I suppose. So 6 years in to sleeping together and I find out a couple months ago he is seeing someone, he was always dating but he started getting really mean to me for no reason. So I suppose it was his way of distancing himself from me.

He came by yesterday saying he wanted to talk about the kids, talked about foolishness really, about how I was too soft on them. Then he wouldn't go. Started saying how he was confused and how every time he met someone it never lasted as he always missed me and wanted me back. He started crying, and I felt awful for him. We ended sleeping together. Then after this happened I asked what was going to happen and he told me straight out that he did not want me back and he never would. I asked him then if it was serious with this person he was dating and I've now found out they've planned a holiday together over Christmas, so it must be serious. He then went on to tell me that the woman he had the affair with was the love of his life and I should have known this, that I never loved him and he never really loved me. I feel so used and dirty. I been with this guy in a relationship for 10 years and been sleeping with him for 6 years, so a total of 16 years and he has no respect for me whatsoever. He's the first person I've ever loved, he's the only person I've had a relationship with and to find out all of this is horrible.

He's text asking if I'm alright? I haven't answered. That was last night. I know in a couple days he's going to demand to see the kids but I don't want to see him or know him anymore, for 6 years he's been leading me on with no intention of ever getting back with me, just using me between flings. I feel so stupid.

I am getting std checked next week.

I need help, is there any way I can parent with him without having to text or email him ever again, he's used me in the worst way possible and I don't want to know him anymore. How do I move on as he has my heart but he doesn't love or respect me one bit?

I don’t know the answer to having contact with him but I just want to say well done for finally realising that you’re being used. That’s the first step. He’s no good and now you know. You deserve better. He’s wasting your life. Have you had counselling? That’s the first step. Get help with your self esteem. Don’t let him back in your bed.

I’m so sorry this has happened; please don’t beat yourself up, unfortunately this kind of thing has happened to the best of us and the main thing is to learn from it.
In terms of contact with him do you have any family members you could go through to arrange contact just for a few months? I think in time when you’re feeling less hurt you can communicate again but for now using a third party will give you a bit of space.
You won’t feel like this forever but it will take time and being kind to yourself.

What a cunt.

I’m so sorry OP. Well done for deciding to change it though.

Could you get a second email address and/or mobile number and use one set for communicating with him and one for everyone else? Then you can just leave them turned off most of the time and only log in when you need to check arrangements or whatever?

Otherwise I think just reply to everything he sends with “I’m moving on. From now on please only contact me about arrangements for the children.” And just keep copying and pasting it every time?

You need to keep a distance for your own good and so you can recover. Well done for spotting what a man you're with. I would specify email only contact and only about the children. Maybe set up a separate email account so you can't check it all the time.

Keep any handovers to a minimum - don't let him come in the house. Keep conversation to a minimum and only about the children.

Well done on separating yourself. I know a man like this too - who has done exactly the same - and a woman who has had a child (and probably will have another one soon) by him. If it's any consolation, I dont think he's a prize that anyone wins - the OW or the mother, no matter what he says to either of them. He's a bastard to everyone - And who wants a lying cheating bastard at the end of the day? So lucky woman who has ended up wtih him! You are free of him and his lies but she isn't. Don't take him back! (because he'll be back).

You though can move on with your life. You can enjoy your lovely children and you get a chance, in time, to meet someone who is genuine and who is honest and who does love you.

Good luck OP. It's horrible (I've been there) but actually you don't need that mess in your life.

Separate email address, separate phone number - probably best to get new number/address for everyone else and don't give those to him so he only has your old one and can only contact you that way. Then only check his number/address once a week or however often and only use them for contact re children. Keep it business like, don't respond to anything that isn't about the children.

Thank you everyone for replying back, I just feel so foolish. I know deep down he doesn't care for me, he was just trying to stop me from moving on, and now he's found someone he can move on with, he can tell me all these things that he's never said before. If he had told me years ago the affair lady was the love of his life, I would have let him go, but he kept saying he missed me and wanted us to be a family but he just wasn't ready to commit again yet. So I waited. I'm glad he told me all these things yesterday, there's nothing for me to hold onto. He doesn't want me, nor will he ever want me. Hurtful, but I can't even shed any more tears. I just need to be strong enough to avoid him when he starts the texting or calling. I try to keep my phone on silent and only check it once every hour. But it's very hard as I want to check it all the time.

Would putting a diary in the children's bag work, he would be able to request extra days or cross off weekends he was working. I just don't want to communicate with him at all through text as he always draws me back in. I'm thinking of ignoring him for a full month, to just give myself space. He would see the kids for that time but if I'm honest I don't think he'll be that bothered.

If it's any consolation, I was the affair lady in my situation (although there was no overlap - he didn't know she was pg when we got together) and he told me I was the love of his life. but he left me and went first to another woman (yes he's that lovely) and then back to the mother.

She got pg with him when he had already left her - probably to try to keep him and he left her too. Now he's back with her I think, but he contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I had the strength this time to tell him to fuck off.

The man will tell you what you want to hear, but you need to look at actions not words. He's left you when you were pregnant. He's a cunt. He's left her too, despite his words of love. He's a cunt. Actions do speak louder than words.

If you haven't already, do get counselling. The only thing you can influence in this situation is your behaviour. I have spent time looking at my boundaries - it's clear if you let a man back over and over especially if he's treated you so badly (and there's little worse than abandoning a pregnant person), there is something lacking there! You can make yourself stronger. You can't change him.

And minimise contact - it will make you stronger. He'll be back. Definitely. Don't be that person who takes him back again.

Good luck!

Set up an email or online parenting website and force him to communicate through that.

How regular has he been with visitation?

How old are your DC now? Is he paying you maintenance?

Definitely text him the new communication email address and advise him contact is only welcome through that and all other avenues are now blocked.

How old are the children? Will he insist on calling? If so can you buy a cheap pre-paid and advise it will be on between xx and xx on specific days so he can call them?

You can't be seen to block access but you can put boundaries in place regarding it. Contact child support (or your equivalent) and have them collect as well.

Fuck him. He's a cunt.

You'll be ok eventually. But you're not stupid. Its on him. He behaved abysmally. Not you.

Thank you guys again so much. The children are 5 and 7. He usually has every weekend but since meeting this new person its been all over the place. I've tried very hard to stay off the internet today and not check my phone or anything. I think I'll just tell my sister to contact him and he can arrange everything through her. He won't like it, but that's probably because he loves seeing me look a mess. Fuck him though. I haven't spoken to him all day and I feel so good about myself. When someone tells you that you mean absolutely nothing to them then you need to treat them as if their nothing too. I know it will be hard in the next few days as if he'll contact me pretending to be all concerned for me. Honestly I'm starting to feel so angry, how dare he cheat on me and how dare he make me do the pick me dance for 6 years afterwards when he knew he had no intention of ever picking me.

Thank you all again, there's a fire building in my belly and I'm so upset, maybe tomorrow it'll be tears, but as long as I don't text or call him I'll feel good about myself.

6 years- bloody hell :( Please try not to get suckered back into that again. Maybe the sex is ok, but emotionally he hurts you, so it isn't worth it.

Hugs xxxxx

Distract yourself Op, take one day at a time and don't contact him - you'll get stronger. NC really is the best protection for you.

I was in my cycle with the man for over 2 years - that was long enough and caused me enough (so much) damage. His other woman has been in this degrading cycle for close to 10 now. Don't be her.

My counsellor said that it's anger that makes you enforce boundaries - so do find your anger - you're worth more. Good luck!

Keep the contact between you both strictly to the kids. Don’t have him round, if he’s bombarding you just don’t answer. He’s using you

Well done for finally seeing him for the waste of space that he is. He liked having you as a plan b. And at his beck and call. Enough is enough now. Stay strong.

Money through cms. The. You do not have to have any conversations about this again.

Set contact. Every other weekend. Pick up 9am drop off 5pm. And one week night he takes them for tea.

Contact is set in stone. Then He only needs to contact you if he isn't coming. Or if the times change.

You ignore or reply to text saying you will only discuss the children. You are not his concern anymore.

Set up a joint calendar with any commitments about the children. Parties. Parents evening etc. It is his responsibility to check this.

Now you get on with your life. You deserve so much better.

I’m so sorry. Don’t feel foolish, it’s so possible to see how this has arisen. There are far wiser people than me on here but there are two things I thought of straight off. Firstly to get some counselling to help process how this has happened and how to get some strong boundaries in place. Secondly, can you find a way to formalise contact so that you don’t need to keep checking etc. From what I can tell eow and an overnight once a week is normal? He is then responsible for his time and you yours. Again it’s part of putting boundaries in place and stops him being in control, allowing you to move on.

Don't feel foolish. These things are difficult and confusing, and he has been giving you very mixed messages. But now is the time to draw a line, for your own sanity, and say enough is enough.
You don't need him, you have got through the toughest years with the kids - and you can build a new life without him popping up and doing your head in every other week.
Be strong OP 💪