How to deal with FIL

[Dotty2019]

Sorry if this is long. I really haven't got anyone to talk to about this and I would love some MN wisdom.

DH is one of 3 brothers. FIL is a bully. He physically and mentally abused his wife when they were younger. Although the physical abuse has stopped he can be really verbally nasty to her.

DH and his older brother didn't have a great upbringing. Obviously witnessing the abuse and no love from their father. He would criticise everything from their choice of subjects they studied to careers etc.

I have never really liked the man, but he is my DH dad and is my children's grandad so I put up with him. He isn't as bad as he used to be.

I find it quite hard that my DH seems to always seek his dads approval and when we are with him he panders to him a lot. I guess this comes from being bullied but I have never bought this up with him. We do a lot for the in laws. Shopping and having them for dinner. We always host Christmas and birthdays and any kind of celebration or visits from the wider family. His older brother also helps a lot. The younger brother is a mess. Drug addiction alcohol addiction has ostracised his own children due to his own abusive behaviour. He has had the best start from his parents and they have paid his rent for him for the last five years as he can't hold down a job.
He never sees them as he lives abroad and occasionally phoned them with abusive calls and sob stories.

It seems so unfair they way they treat him differently. PIL are very wealthy and although we aren't poor we do struggle at times.

FIL has announced that he is now going to buy the younger brother a house. Now I know it is their money and they can spend it as they wish but I just can't get over how they can treat them so differently. I say 'them' but really MIL has no say in anything.
I had a conversation with DH last night and I said it feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth. As we do so much for them and the younger brother does nothing but bring trouble to them.

DH was agreeable but said it has always been like this and he chooses to ignore it now. I wouldn't argue with him about this as I don't want to upset him or his relationship with his parents. And if this is the best way do deal with it then I know I have to let it go.
I just feel increasingly angry at FIL and don't know how to cope when he is at my house. I really would love to have nothing to do with him but don't want to upset my DH.

They is so much more I could say about his recent behaviour but don't o t want to bore you. Any advice on how I can deal with this would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading

Bump

You need to have an honest conversation with your DH about how you feel, while understanding they are the only parents he's got, so respecting he doesn't know any difference. There is loads of advice and links on Mumsnet about parents so maybe look at those. Have a look and a read and approach this as a team, don't draw a battleline of them or me.

In terms of the younger dB, let that go. I don't think that the younger one had a golden childhood if the older two had an awful time, especially when you consider the subsequent addiction issues. If your DH and his older brother are well adjusted & functioning maybe his parents have moved beyond 'parenting' them, which isn't as easy when you have a child who is an addict. They may have some guilt and sense of responsibility to the younger db that they don't recognise in the other two as they don't have their siblings issues so minimise their potential impact on them.

Thank you Scrapper142
You have given some great advice. I do try and see this point of view but cannot help feeling upset.

FIL will not have a bad word said about the younger brother. He didn't have a great upbringing but was shielded from the worst of it. Also sent to private school and has been bailed out time and time again.

I don't think there is much point in discussing this with DH as he just shuts down about his dads behaviour. I just have to deal with it but I feel so sorry for DH.

Hopefully FIL and MIL will adjust the remainder of their estate to reflect the outlay they are making on the cost of the house for their youngest son . Are they keeping it on their name though ?
I’m sure the unfairness of this it rankles with you but I’d follow the lead of your DH if you can and let it go .

I do really want to let this go. Just finding it hard as my parents would never treat me and y siblings so differently. If anything I think the younger brothers children could do with the financial support. Fil has a huge dislike towards their mother as she had the audacity to leave their abusive son.

If your dh won't talk about it then Mumsnet classic, you have a dh problem not a pil problem. This should be a conversation you can have. He might not agree with you, but your opinion is valid and should at least be heard.

Again put any issues relating to the brother to the side. It's their money they can spend it and leave it to whoever they want. Most families are even and like yours but many aren't. If your issues stem from that then maybe re-evaluate. Also not a shock that an abusive man is a misogynist and doesn't like women who walk away.

Don’t expect anything from them and stop doing anything for them.
You sound like your bullied by fil too.
It might not feel it but you are also trying to win his approval

Thank you for all the replies. I have really taken the comments on board regarding the younger brother and I guess I do need to let this go.

I really didn't want to drip feed but something else happened recently that I just cannot understand.

Fil bought some property abroad a while ago and was paying a local man to undertake renovations. This man has fleeced fil for thousands of pounds.
My DH visited the site a while ago and warned fil that this man is a crook and is taking advantage but fil refused to listen.
The man turned up at their house a month ago stating he has now moved to the UK and is living down the road to fil.
DH and his brother warned their parents not to have anything to do with him. But they having been seeing him and probably giving him money. Fil actually refers to him as "like a son to me".

This as really upset my DH as all this man has done is take money from fil for failed projects but fil refuses to believe he is being taken for a ride.

It's like fil does this to wind up my DH and I just don't get it?