Red flag?

[HollaMe]

Last time I was in a relationship he turned out to be very abusive. I never saw it coming.

I’ve had some nice relationships in the past but I was very shaken by the most recent one because I didn’t expect him to turn into the monster he became. I think I missed lots of reg flags. I’m now VERY wary and very critical when dating.

Is this a red flag or am I just worrying?

Date 7, not slept together but getting closer to that. Today the topic of the last shag came up (I asked!). He said it was someone he met at a festival and I said did you use protection. He said he couldn’t remember...

Obviously I wouldn’t sleep with him before he went for a screening anyway (that’s just me, I know it’s not strictly necessary if we did it using protection). But the fact he wasn’t sure whether he had with this person and seemed pretty fine about it, seems immature. He’s mid 30s if that’s relevant.

In all other ways he’s been great and we get along well.

Not a red flag for me in itself, but I'd be using condoms anyway for several months at least, and making sure screening was in place before giving those up.

He couldn't remember?? That means no, then.
It's a red flag from me.

He said they’d had some drinks. I think it’s a bit stupid but I was really getting along with him and do like him more each time I see him. Not sure what to make of it.

Did he seem embarrassed by it or not?

I’d take the “I can’t remember” to mean no he didn’t

At least he’s been honest I guess. He could’ve lied and said yes he did use protection.

I personally would be using protection, not just because of this but until you know he’s clean

Yes it’s careless but I wouldn’t necessarily walk away

If you don't feel confident about your ability to spot early warning signs, have you done the Freedom Programme? It covers that and might just help you start to rebuild your confidence. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's information not therapy. You can just listen, no talking required.

He didn’t seem embarrassed I don’t think, but we’d had a few glasses of wine over lunch so hard to tell!

Thanks for link

"Can't remember" ffs. Of course he didn't use protection.

It's immature but it's not a red flag for abuse.

Not a red flag from me but definitely use protection. I do think men can be too laid back about this, even these days. I don't think it makes him a bad person or abusive in any way.

Thank you for the replies. I’m so wary I lose sight of what’s silly but normal life stuff/mistakes and what’s a sign of someone potentially with a red flag

No not a red flag, tbh if he was that drunk he may not have remembered, I'm nearly 40 and have been stupid in the last few years, silly behaviour but I'm not an abuser or anything!

No not a red flag. If it was at a festival then presumably it was a one night stand or similar, I sincerely doubt that people remember all the detail of every sexual encounter they’ve ever had esp if they’ve been with more than one partner/had one-off encounters and so on.

Plus there could have been alcohol involved etc.

I think yabu. All men my friends meet seem to not want to use condoms. I think most men wouldn’t If they were allowed not to. Just make sure you use them. Why do you think it’s a red flag?

What do you mean by ‘red flag’ in this context. I would take it as a red flag for mildly risk taking behaviour and possible drug taking, but not much else.

I’m not sure really, just like is it something I should write him off for. Does it mean he’s careless and selfish. I don’t know. Just very wary.

No it’s not a red flag. I’m not sure how it’s selfish either. A moment of madness and careless but he’s told you so you can take steps to use protection .

A lot of people get pissed at festivals and have a shag, it's not massively unusual.

The only thing it might be a red flag for- if there are also other incidents- is he possibly might drink a bit too much for your liking.

Unless you think he coerced her to have unprotected sex - then no, I would say it’s fine.