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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the end of us *potential trigger warning*

12 replies

Louulz · 27/10/2019 10:54

Myself and DP have had a hard time, I think (thought) we're on the up, but I'm not sure if he's feeling done with it all. The past couple of years we've been through cancer scares, a lot of loved ones lost, an unplanned and lost pregnancy, a reproductive illness diagnosis for me and really awful depression at points. We've been a team through it all.

I was assaulted years ago and as a cumulative effect from all the reproductive 'issues' I can't stand the idea of sex, being touched fills me with panic, I don't think we've slept together for 3 months and the times we have I've just grit my teeth because it's painful, but not as painful as repeatedly rejecting someone I love. We've been through so much and I feel like this is the thing that's separating us, but I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like a failure, as a woman and as a partner, and I'm really sensitive at the moment. I made a daft joke about marriage on sm, DPs brother asked if he'd proposed and DP said not a chance. I know it's a jokey conversation between brothers, but I can't help feel its just his true feelings - why would he ever want to marry someone who has had endless problems come up, might struggle to have kids and can't even stomach sex for gods sake. He says he loves me and I don't doubt that, but I don't know if his heart is in it anymore. I just need a little hand hold.

Or for someone to tell me to saddle up and get on with it because I'm just overly sensitive, I'd prefer to be imagining it

OP posts:
RubbingHimSourly · 27/10/2019 10:59

Not everyone sees the point in marriage........ Dp and I don't. 25 years in we obviously have something. And if anyone makes marriage type comments we both say not a chance, only on my death bed etc.

The fact that he's still there and supporting you should be enough to tell you he wants to be with you. I think you'd be unfair to tackle him over one, throwaway comment vs months / years of support.

Pomegranatemolasses · 27/10/2019 11:03

I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive, and it sounds like you’ve been through some awful times. I do think you have to address the issue if no sexual intimacy if you want your relationship to survive. Unless of course your dp is happy with that situation.

Daffodil2018 · 27/10/2019 11:05

While I totally understand you've been through a lot, I think you need to be realistic about the prospects for a sexless relationship. Are you already having therapy? It sounds like you have a lot to process and a psychologist or therapist would be able to help you with this. Your OH may find it easier to support you if he knows you are also taking proactive steps to feel better and not just relying on him.

nrpmum · 27/10/2019 11:07

@Louulz can I ask if you've had counselling, lovely? I was sexually assaulted many years ago, and at the time didn't find it useful. Years later it helped though.

I can promise you that you have not, and are not, failing at anything. You have had an immensely stressful year or more. That takes its toll on your emotions and your health.

I know it's easier said than done sometimes, but it's worth trying to sit down with him and telling him how you feel. Chances are he'll want to help you.

Finally, be kind to yourself. You've had a hell of a time. Flowers

Original poster
Louulz · 27/10/2019 11:10

He's always talked about marriage and kids with me, he's more 'typical' family route than I am. But now it sounds like he could feel less certain it's me he wants it to be with. Sorry I probably should have said its the difference in tune that's getting me.

Neither of us are happy with the lack of intimacy, I just don't know what to do about it I feel trapped. It saddens me that we can get through so much but it's a lack of sex that's going to pull us apart

OP posts:
Original poster
Louulz · 27/10/2019 11:17

Thankyou for the kind comments you've made me cry Blush

I had counselling years ago and like you it didn't really help then, I'm in the process of being referred again. I know I need to mull through it all with someone, I haven't really dealt with anything just brushed it off and waited for the next thing. Now I've stood still it's all hit me and I just feel overwhelmed.

I desperately want us to be close again but it's physically painful, I try to go with it but I'm so tense. I've talked about it with him in depth and I promise I am trying to be proactive. But when things like this happen and I feel like I'm not good enough or I don't feel supported and loved, that it's just about sex I don't want to have anything to do with it

OP posts:
Original poster
Louulz · 27/10/2019 11:21

Just in response to the first comment too, I'm not tackling him or picking at him at all. I just feel a big old pit of saddness, he can't help his feelings I'm not mad, just desperately sad and alone in my own head, he wouldn't know I feel like this today, it's not fair to unload that onto him and I don't want to push him away more

OP posts:
nrpmum · 27/10/2019 11:32

@Louulz

I haven't really dealt with anything just brushed it off and waited for the next thing. Now I've stood still it's all hit me and I just feel overwhelmed.. Exactly how I dealt with the situation, and exactly how I felt.

I'm not mad, just desperately sad and alone in my own head, he wouldn't know I feel like this today, it's not fair to unload that onto him and I don't want to push him away more

Please, please tell him. I thought I'd push my husband away if I told him, and then one day I had to and he was amazing. Did the complete opposite of what I thought, and let me soak my tears on his shoulder. I bet you he just wants to help you be happy again. Don't worry if that is going to take time. You said yourself you know he loves you. Trust in him that he wants the best for you too.

And screw mumsnet, have a big hug from me Cakeand BrewFlowers

nrpmum · 27/10/2019 11:32

Bold failure!

Original poster
Louulz · 27/10/2019 12:07

He's done so much supporting and wiping up tears I feel crap for bringing it up, you're right though we need to talk about it all. I've booked an initial appointment with a therapist, step in the right direction even though I feel sick about it. I'm terrified to open the door to all my feelings. I could be even more insufferable! Grin

Thankyou for your lovely words, they've made a dark day feel more hopeful. I hope you're well and worked through all your difficulties too Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Louulz · 27/10/2019 12:12

No idea why there are bottles in there...

OP posts:
nrpmum · 27/10/2019 12:14

@Louulz the good far outweighs the bad now.

You'll get there.

Welcome to pm me if you need a rant too.

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