Was I wrong? Should I apologise?

[Oakmaiden]

Trying to be brief, whilst also including all relevant facts.

DH and I have not had the greatest of relationships recently. We rarely speak beyond the essential "what are we doing for dinner tonight" type question. Sex is non existent - ostensibly my decision. There are reasons for both, but neither are really the point of this thread. Suffice to say there are no major trust/domestic issues.

Last night I said that I was not happy with how we are and that I thought we need to make an effort to spend time together as I feel we are drifting apart. DH agreed.

This morning I was lying in bed doing something on my phone, when DH pulled my pj bottoms away from my body and shoved his hand down them. I objected "A, don't!" And grabbed his arm and forced it out. I explained that i was having my period and wearing a pad, which I was about to go and change, so it was all mucky down there. He said that I didn't need to slap him away. I said I panicked.

He is now sulking and not talking to me. I feel like I ought to apologise. But another part of me feels like he ought to apologise. I dunno. Part of me just wants to give up.

You have nothing to apologise for

Just to add, him sticking his hand down my pants wouldn't have been welcome even if I was not having my period, but I would have reacted with less urgency. He knows it wouldn't be particularly welcome.

Don’t apologise. I think you’re relationship is over though. He can even communicate to ask whether sex is on the cards!

I feel that way too, but we have been married 25 years. More than half my life. Surely it must be salvageable?

What have you to apologise for? He's an idiot. It's not ok to violate personal boundaries.

Why the fuck do you think you are the one who needs to apologise in this scenario?

He knows it wouldn't be particularly welcome.

But he did it anyway. What does that tell you?

I guess because if i don't he will go on sulking. I feel conflicted about it though. Hence posting rather than just apologising.

You have nothing at all to apologise for, he should be apologising to you. What was he even thinking, if you haven't had sex for ages?

Surely it must be salvageable?

Have you been for counselling? That would be my advice to anyone whose relationship is having difficulties.

You explained why you reacted as you did and he is choosing how he responds. Sulking is at best shows low emotional intelligence or at worse abusive behaviour.

He may feel rejected but if he can't communicate his emotions how will you ever get through challenges? His sulking suggests he doesn't want to grow and learn how to fix issues, not sure you can change that.

We fall for someone's looks and personality but what gets us through long term relationships is good emotional intelligence.

Eewww, does he really think that was going to turn you on after not having sex for so long?

I would talk to him and explain it and tell him sulking isn't going to solve anything.

Definitely don't apologise, it's him who should be doin gun that.

Don’t you dare apologise. He has no right to treat you like that and the sulking is pathetic. I can’t be doing with sulking or silent treatment, it’s abusive and awful.

It all sounds very grim OP. Not just what happened earlier, but the whole joyless, sexless relationship. It must be miserable for both of you. Counselling is the next step I reckon. Or, if you genuinely feel that there is no point, end it amicably.

It's the old 'it wasnt that bad' syndrome. Trouble for men is, now women are standing up for what we've always known are our rights but men are lagging and still trying to argue that it wasnt that bad.

I'd go out for the day. Have some sort of a nice time.

you need to have a proper conversation about this. Explain why you reacted like that and that you need to feel loved and respected before sex is on the cards. Maybe persuade him to do a marriage courses with you if one going on near you. It was helpful for us to understand each other a bit better.

I found when I was thinking of splitting with DH I could only remember his many irritating habits or thoughtless or disappointing or angering events. We are now still together and those have faded and we have a good row if things upset us but are happier and in for the long haul together.
To leave DH after 25 years because he very annoyingly and thoughtlessly stuck his hand down your pants is fine if that's what you want. Do I think you risk regretting that further down the line? Probably.

Fatshedra - it is more a general feeling of "Is there anything there now?" I hope there is. Or that we can find something again.

I'm just so tired.

OMG,,the things some of you ladies have to put up with..

I'd go for relationship counselling then decide, if you want to save it.

And no way would I apologise for something that he did wrong!!!

If you really are thinking of leaving you could tell him that but that you'd rather save the marriage and want to talk.
And if you talk but you still feel frustrated, or not listened to or whatever you sit down and talk again. You both need to feel you have been heard however long it takes.

Oh god, why do (some) men think spending more time together / healing a rift means you are up for a sudden sex ambush?

Don’t apologise.

But IF you want to continue with Plan A, regain closeness, maybe lead by example. Just do it: set up a meal out, or something nice. Chat in bed instead of checking phone (I’m not having a go, but phones banned in the bedroom might be a communication boost).

If the time is right just remind him in that ‘grabbing women by the pussy ‘ sparked a huge demo in opposition, not a mass love-in.

When things were better between you, did he used to think then that suddenly putting his hand down your pyjama bottoms was a turn on? . Or is this a new idea?!

No, I don't think you should apologise, but there is obviously lots for you both to talk about to try and make things better between you. I am sure you do feel tired of it all but it isn't going to go away so trying to garner some energy for the discussions will help in the long run.

Of course don't apologize. He's been married to you awhile so he should know a rude grope isn't the way to do things. And tell him to quit his damn sulking. He's not 5.