End of emotional affair

[Woman883]

Ended emotional affair with married man. I am also married (happily i thought) for 8 years. Affair lasted approx 2 mths. We see each other occasionally as live in close proximity. Started as we have a common hobby so he started by texting me about that separate to our group chat with spouses. He insinuated fancying me which i brushed off initially. However suddenly feeling old and frumpy and that life was pretty mundane i began to look forward to the texts.. It was a total ego boost! I began to see him differently and soon was fancying him (had never looked at him this way before!). I suppose it was a thrill to think someone could still fancy me. Once I showed the slightest interest things just went crazy. We were texting alot. I started having to delete messages incase my dh saw them and knew I was in dangerous territory then. I knew what I was doing was wrong and completely unforgivable. Prior to this I would have berated anyone that cheated physically or emotionally. Last week I realised I was really falling for him and so put an end to it. Neither of us want out of our current relationships. My husband is the most amazing person and I do love him still. I would be devastated if he had done this to me or if he ever knew about what I have done. I know he would be heartbroken.
I can't believe I have done this! For the past week there has been no contact with other man and I intend to keep it that way. I have felt both relieved but also heartbroken. I feel like I'm living in a parrellel universe. Keeping it together and going about daily normal life yet weeping inside. I fully realise otherman is a complete fantasy. I know in reality we would most likely not be amazing together and would probably drive each other mad.
I'm not posting for advice as know I've done the right thing in disengaging. I have no intention of telling my DH although some or most of ye might insist I should. I know ye will probably slate me but that's ok as I know I deserve it. Really just writing here to get it of my chest as i can't tell anyone in real life. I always discuss my problems with DH/friends/family but can't in this situation.

What I think is not the norm. But, sometimes we transfer our emotional needs out if they're not being met.

Sometimes we do this with our bff, sometimes a perfect stranger. Only one is more acceptable than the other. But both can become volatile and end badly.

If you know you love your husband and he loves you, then embrace that and work together on issues you have.

Has he noticed your withdrawal? Or is he oblivious? Are there things he needs that you're not providing? Do you know?

Well, we are all human and u did a shitty thing and realised it was wrong and ended it. I think that in itself takes guts as a lot of people would just be too weak and would carry on chasing the ego boost. You seem to be level headed and see that guy for what it is. All you need to do now is concentrate all those energies into ur husband and trying to improve what u have at home. Put it down to a learning experience and forget about it.

I’m not going to “slate” you, OP. You’ve done the right thing in disengaging. You seem very sensible.

However, I’d be wary of whitewashing it, so I wouldn’t just forget it and move on if I were you. There was a reason why you were amenable to this EA. You imply that everything is great at home but it can’t be, really. I’m certainly not saying that your marriage is moribund but it’s clearly not quite right, or you’re not quite right in yourself. I think that you should take the opportunity to address what is slightly amiss, without divulging the EA of course.

Well done on ending it. NC will be hard but will get easier with time. I would advise going to counselling to unpick why you needed the validation. Gives you space to discuss this with someone and work through it.

Thanks so much for all your kind replies. Wasn't expecting that. I truly believe my marriage is good. We still love each other, communicate well and work well together. We have 3 young DCs so sex life has taken a toll at times. I was nearing the end of maternity leave when the affair started. So at times I suppose I was finding life a bit mundane.. Cooking, cleaning, school runs, after school activities, nappy changes etc had become my life. I was feeling suddenly old and drab and had weight on that was getting me down. However before the affair I stafted getting my life back on track. Began exercising and healthy eating and started losing the extra pounds. Sex life with DH was back being great which we were both delighted about.
I have other strains.. My mother has a terminal illness.. And i have health issues fir whuch im awaiting pretty big surgery. There was also a huge upset in my family 2 years ago for which i needed to go to counselling. I think maybe I suppress all of these things and make out to the world I'm coping fine.. Even convince myself I'm fine. DH thinks I'm fine. Maybe I'm not. The family issue really shook me to the core and made me question trusting anybody because the person I had idolised and trusted most in the world was not who we thought he was. Anyway definitely am going to consider more counselling as think I need it.
My DH is defintely oblivious to the affair. In fact our sex life had already started to improve pre affair and was amazing during it (i think this is called transference). The ego boost definitely helped make me feel more attractive/desirable.
Thanks again for your replies

OK where to start. your post really grabbed me when I seen it. I've been in a similar situation for last 6months. going back to work after 2nd DC I was feeling low self esteem and physically drained. 3rd week back I meet ex colleague at conference and he was the injection of life that I needed. Hadn't seen him in 7yrs but he was laying on the compliments real thick and I got the ego boost you talked about.
2weeks later the texts start back and forth (he initiated). At first just general chats before subtle flirting and innuendo started flying about. I was constantly checking phone for new text. even sent few suggestive pics. Before I knew it I was thinking of him while DTD with DH (must be the transference you mentioned) I now realised I had crossed the line into emotional affair territory. Sex life with DH (5years) had become a bit "routine" and this really put a bit of spark back into it which DH noticed and was greatful for. I've a pep back in my step and have been getting myself physically and mentally fit again but this affair is just poking me constantly with guilt.
I've much more to lose than other guy, has girlfriend (2years), no DCs, no mortgage. My DH is just the best dad our DCs could ever have. And he's always been my soul mate through thick and thin but can't bring myself to telling him as it could destroy him/us
What I want to know is at what point did you realise ye had gone past just bit of banter into affair territory? How did you finally finish it and how did he respond? I really want a clean, no further contact break. How do you cope living in close proximity and avoid physical contact? I'm in lucky position that our paths will very rarely cross and can be easily avoided.
Feel so good to finally let that out....really want to get back to normal. Hope all woks out for you and DH and your health issues

It’s great that your still in love with your husband you firmly know what you want. You can put this behind you and work on yourself and your marriage going forwards.

Sometimes when life is so mundane with work kids and finances housework etc, that when someone shows us that we are attractive, still exciting and see us for who we want to be it can be hard to resist the urge not to delve in and explore those emotions.
Two months is not a long time. You don’t really know him well enough. You fell for the illusion of what this guy could be. But he’s not that guy.
If you are struggling then no contact to the best you can do will help you. If he try’s to start up again either tell him firmly no or ignore messages, ideally block him on social media and your phone.