My family wear me out

[RiveterRosie]

Are my family a bunch of selfish individuals, or is it me?
How do I stop worrying about them and look after myself?

At the beginning of September I had abdominal surgery to remove a tumor from my pancreas. There were some complications that meant I was in critical care unit for a week and then I developed a serious infection that kept me in hospital for a further 6 weeks. I'm home now, still feeling tired and vulnerable both mentally and physically.

Yesterday I had a get well card from my mum. She'd written on it that she felt very weak and would only start to feel strong when I was better. It made me feel guilty; that my illness was responsible for her not feeling strong. I know when a family member is ill it does make others in the family feel sad etc but don't normal people put those feelings aside and try to cheer the sick person up? When I was in hospital, unable to eat, unable to walk, using a bed pan, whenever she phoned me she would describe how she was "weak as a kitten", how depressed she is, how nothing ever goes her way.

My brother is not much better. He is constantly depressed, constantly telling me about how shit his life is, but no matter what I suggest, from seeing a counselor to getting some decent anti depressants he dismisses what I say as it's all hopeless and nothing is going to help. When I was in hospital his texts were full of how depressed he was, how stressed he was. I'm getting texts from him now about how stressed out he is cos his house is messy and full of clutter - texts about how it makes him so depressed he thinks about killing himself.

I don't want them to wrap me in cotton wool and spend their time telling me what a poor little soul I am. I want to stop feeling so guilty about not being able to make their lives better. I want to be able to stop pretending that I am alright and can carry the weight of their problems and difficulties when I'm not alright, when I feel like death warmed up, when I've had a horrible operation for cancer. I just want to sit and cry about what's happened to me and how poorly I still feel. I want to yell at them - my mum when she's on the phone telling me how weak she is even though she's just spent the day buying plants at the garden center and putting them in the garden; my brother, when he is texting me to tell me how he hates his life, when hes telling me how depressed his job makes him and how he has no time to do anything, even though he doesn't do anything about finding a new job and works every rest day he can (he earns v. good money, better than I did when I was teaching)

Sorry, this has come across as a rather self indulgent rant on my part, advice of any sort very much welcomed.

Move away for a while and put some distance between you?

Your mother and brother sound toxic. You are never going to recover listening to them moan about themselves.
I would seriously cut down on any people pleasing and think about yourself.
Go no contact with them, at the very least go low contact .
Don't answer calls to them.
Put yourself first and live yourself more.

Oh gosh OP, I’m so sorry you are struggling . They sound very selfish and I’m not surprised you are feeling low; also major surgery can lead to post-op depression as you get to grips with how your life has changed - maybe go see your GP?

For reference, and if it helps put things into perspective, I had the same operation as you in January this year. My mum left work everyday at midday to travel two hours to see me in the hospital, and spent most of the time just trying to get me to drink water and sleep - and listening when I got upset. She didn’t complain once. My sister travelled down to see me and bought me presents and then texted me all day everyday trying to make me laugh - despite how hard things are for her at the moment, she never once put that onto me. They were all focused on helping me feel positive and protected.. That’s how it SHOULD be.

You are in such a fragile state after any major surgery, let alone the fact that you will have been worried about it for a while before hand. Being in hospital itself is very unsettling. And it takes a long time to recover and feel like yourself - up to 6 months they suggested for me. I know it’s only now that I’m finally realising how much it’s affected me, 10 months on.

Focus on people close to you who are nurturing; nourish yourself with things you love that don’t exhaust you. Ignore them while they’re being like this - it’s not fair and you don’t need to put up with it

Love yourself more, I meant to say!
Good advice from @walnut87.

I've got a mum abit like this. It's like if you've gone to teniriefe they have been to elevenirefe (sorry haha) i have sadly learned that my mum won't ever do the things for me she should do. She isn't good at the affection side of things. Very uncomfortable with any of her daughter's being more in the limelight than her. She had a hip op done when I was pregnant.... She had three family members helping her out with housework etc whilst my dad was working. Obviously I would of helped more but I was weak and had a toddler to chase around. Constant nausea and exhaustion made it hard enough to do my own. They pointed it out a couple of times that everyone else was helping. Imagine if I had gone their and was just throwing up there! Did they do anything for me through the rest of my pregnancy? Nope? Did they cook me a hot meal when I got home? Nope! Did they see if we needed any shopping? Nope!

Its hard when it's your family and they are not helping you yet they are whinging about themselves constantly. I've also lost track of the amount of times I'm halfway through telling me mum something and she buts in.

E.g..... I couldn't sleep last night DD woke up and then I..... Mum interupts..... Oh well I've not been sleeping for weeks. Your dad wakes up at 4am and then I lay there and then I read a book......

I often never get to the end of what I want to say. If I've got a cold it's invalid because she's been sniffly. It will be the weather change. Can't possibly be anything else.

The worse one is since having kids I get an awful weak chest and I get tired in my body quite easily. I went to the drs three months ago and she said you have absolutely no iron reserves at all. I'm not surprised your feeling rubbish. It will take six months to get them again

Six weeks later on the school run my chest is weak for a few days and my legs are weak. I tell my mum it must be my iron levels after a bad period. She tells me just because I have low iron it doesn't mean I have to have symptoms and it's probably just the weather

I have limited my contact to help my sanity. I ring less. I block my mum from 80% of what I post on Facebook and I visit less now too. I think that's all you can do. Pull yourself away and focus on yourself and hopefully other people will look after you whilst you clearly need and deserve it. It should be about you. I am sure your mom is worried but it's important to learn when your tiredness is not relevant to your child having a big operation. Obviously it will break her heart you being ill but she still should realise it's selfish to moan about yourself.

As for your brother he needs to see a Dr. If he won't then maybe just stop replying as much. Tell him you care and love him but unless he gets a proffesional view on it nothing will change.

I hope you feel loads better soon. I. Sure you are not alone with the selfish family xx

I think you need to try and put some distance between you and these family members for your own sake. Easier said than done but sometimes necessary and you can pull back gradually - maybe don’t ring/ answer or cut off texts from brother with a simple “I am sorry you’re feeling like this but I can’t help right now because I’m struggling too“ or just don’t reply. It’s not your job to prop them up.

Grey rock them, stop engaging, stop letting them sap your energy!

Walnut87, just to change the subject slightly, and I hope you don't mind me asking, but how long did it take you to start feeling "normal" again? By that I mean how long was it before you became pain free and how long before your appetite came back: I can't even look at pictures of food in magazines without wanting to vomit.

OP, how strong you are! I know how you feel to some degree, I've been let down so often after surgeries that I realise where I truly come in people's emotional standing. We are here with you, stay strong

@RiveterRosie

Oh it sounds like you’re having the worst time with it, I’m so sorry :( I had an appetite but could only actually stomach really simple food early on; like ready brek and soups. I couldn’t eat very much at all... I remember eating lots of apple with peanut butter because it gave me energy? but I think the horror of hospital food just made me desperate to eat home cooked food again; after two days of hospital food I remember having a really strong weird craving to eat protein (am never normally like that). I can imagine if you were stuck with hospital food for 7 weeks that could have quite an impact on your appetite?? Have they given you a pancreatic dietitian’s number? I really have had to change my diet afterwards as I still can’t digest a lot of carbs properly, altho it’s better than my eating before my op, and I’m not sick all the time anymore. Too many refined carbs in particular leaves me feeling crap for days, still, so it’s not perfect. What are you able to eat atm?? I spent a long time trying to find food that didn’t make me feel sick.

In terms of pain, it took about a month I think. Are you still really struggling? :( I felt so so vulnerable physically for a long time.. the first time I went out I was really scared. Also the clotting injections really knocked me, I couldn’t cope with that and the pain from them was awful. Similarly, having post operative bags stuck to my body etc really really made me panic every time I had to look at them. I’m guessing you weren’t keyhole from the sounds of things? Are you still seeing your surgeons etc for check ups or have they signed you off?

Emotional recovery, absolutely ages, still ongoing, somehow. After my op I was off work for three months (felt braver/stronger after a couple, started doing things I enjoyed) and went back part-time/phased return for another three. I had to be really careful not to push myself. My GP gave me really good advice which was that once you are feeling back to normal, you do need a month or so of feeling like that before you go back to the ordinary way of things - don’t rush into it. She refused to let me go back to work until I’d had that additional sort of normalising time.