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Original poster

Can it work?

18 replies

Singletomingle · 26/10/2019 22:00

I'm seeing someone and everything is great except for what we both want in the future. I've been married and already have 2 children. We are both in our 30's, I'm 39 and she is 33, I can't see myself having another child and I'm unsure I'd want to marry a 2nd time. However I know that she definitely wants both. Could this work out, will she settle, can we come to a compromise or are we doomed?

OP posts:
PatKelly · 26/10/2019 23:20

If she had no children, and wants a baby, then that’s a pretty big deal breaker.
As a mum of 2, I couldn’t get involved with a man who wants a child (as I’m happy with two and definitely don’t want any more).
I couldn’t do that to a childless person, as my drive to have a baby was so strong.
Some people don’t want kids or aren’t bothered either way. I’d really depends what she feels on the subject.
Good luck :)

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2019 23:22

You have to be totally honest and let her decide if she wants to stay with you.

ExcitedForFuture · 26/10/2019 23:28

Those are deal breakers. If you definitely don't want more children, then no it won't work out and it would be selfish to carry on at her age as she's on a clock and needs to be with a partner who wants the same things.

Marriage, you would need to discuss between you tbh.

I'm divorced and thought I'd be quite happy not marrying again. DP has never been married. However I've realised that in future I want to be his wife and I'm fairly sure he feels the same. I don't think that would be a deal breaker for me though as I love him dearly and would rather have him as a partner than not at all.

bigtotwig · 27/10/2019 07:41

No!

category12 · 27/10/2019 07:52

If you don't want dc and she does, then do the right thing now and end it. Don't waste her time.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 27/10/2019 07:56

Those would be huge deal breakers for me. I couldn't be with someone who wanted a baby or marriage as I'd never be prepared to have either on the table and I'd be wary of them trying to coerce me and blame me for them not having them.

KristinaM · 27/10/2019 07:59

There’s no compromise between a baby and not a baby. Or married and not married !

What possible compromise were you thinking of OP?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/10/2019 07:59

Having a wedding is not a deal breaker, as long as you make other legal arrangements via your will, deed of turst etc.

Having a child is very much so, though.

You have to be flat out honest with her "I don't want another child" and then let her decide what to do. And - not to be throwing shade at her, but from my own experience - make sure you're using condoms every time. The vast majority of women will not have a "whoopsy!" pregnancy. 1% will. (My mum did, by her own account... and that's how my sister exists. Being told "You were an accident and I told your mum to have an abortion" really didn't help her self esteem growing up.)

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2019 08:00

No. Don't do this to her, you're being selfish.

MyOtherProfile · 27/10/2019 08:01

Be very honest with her about the baby and give her the freedom to go if she wants to find someone to have a baby with.

ConfCall · 27/10/2019 08:02

There is no “compromise” with children, you either have them or you do not. And - making an assumption here! - if she were looking to go part time after maternity leave and therefore reduce her earning/pension potential, the legal protection of marriage would be important.

So, this won’t work. She needs to be free to find someone who wants the same.

FWIW I understand your view and I hope she will too. Most parents pushing 40 wouldn’t want to start the baby thing again.

LucileDuplessis · 27/10/2019 08:06

I honestly think it would be kindest on both of you to end things now. Otherwise you'll basically both be hoping for the other one to change their mind. And be awfully disappointed if they don't.

Carparkticket · 27/10/2019 08:12

What kind of compromise would work? Have half a child?
I think it can’t work because it would mean one if you giving up something so crucial it would cause resentment

Thehouseintheforest · 27/10/2019 14:22

Have you thought through your reasons for not wanting another child . ? Are you absolutely sure it's something you don't want ? If so - then you need to tell her .

Marriage would be a must have before having children for me. So the two go hand in hand for many people.

Anotherlongdrive · 27/10/2019 15:29

If you care about hee why would you want her to settle?"

RLEOM · 27/10/2019 16:40

Having a baby if she doesn't have children is 100% a deal breaker. Don't be one of those people who drag the relationship out just because you don't want to face the fall out.

If you're happy to have 1 more child, then continue the relationship.

Swer987 · 27/10/2019 17:26

Agree with PPs. This wont work if you definitely don’t want a baby.

I recently split with my partner as I want a baby and he didn’t. He’d always said he was open to the idea (has a DD already). 2 years in he changed his mind. We were back and forth deciding whats best but ultimately I didn’t want to lose my chance of being a mum.

You shouldn’t expect her to ‘settle’.

Original poster
Singletomingle · 27/10/2019 17:33

Thanks thats pretty much what I thought. Compromise was probably the wrong word.

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