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Original poster

Men only leave if there’s an OW...?

26 replies

TreacleTart23 · 26/10/2019 21:33

I’m attracted to a guy and I’m trying to understand his relationship history. He has never broken up with a partner before, they have always broken up with him. First three girlfriends broke up with him after 2 years, 4 years and 6 months. He seems pretty fabulous and I don’t know why they broke up with him. Best case scenario the relationships had just run their course but why didn’t he ever do the splitting?

I know that on Mumsnet the general consensus is that married men only ever split up with their wives if there’s an OW to move on to. Is this the same with non-marital relationships? Did my friend not break up with them because he didn’t have someone lined up to move on to? Is this a pattern we see in men generally?

Thinking of when I have been dumped...
Time 1 = no other woman but scared of commitment after a 2 week relationship!
Time 2 = OW
Time 3 = getting back with ex so OW.
Time 4 = scared things were moving too fast.

I would love to hear people’s thoughts. Thanks.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 26/10/2019 21:42

No, not the same. Married men are much more tied in (esp financially) so need a stronger excuse to leave.

Tableclothing · 26/10/2019 21:48

why didn’t he ever do the splitting?

Maybe he did the stereotypical-bloke thing of just being an arsehole until they dumped him, because he couldn't face taking responsibility for the break up.

ConfCall · 26/10/2019 21:53

You see the worst stories on here, remember. People don’t tend to post here when they’re splitting and it’s upsetting but quite amicable and no OW and things are progressing quite smoothly etc etc. So it’s naturally a bit skewed. FWIW I’ve never been left for an OW and - quick headcount - neither have my 3 closest friends. My colleague left his wife, lives with his parents, and is still single.

Some people simply can’t be single though and they need something to move on to.

KylieKoKo · 26/10/2019 23:04

Rightly or wrongly, for most men with children ending a relationship means not living with them. I think this means it can be harder to leave without a catalyst such as an OW.

lifegoes · 26/10/2019 23:10

With my experience I've found that the men I have been with or known, tend to push a woman to calling it a day. I'm not sure if it helps them move on or feel better about themselves. It's not always the OW but 75% of relationships are ended by women.

ExcitedForFuture · 26/10/2019 23:21

Those are hardly long term relationships so I wouldn't judge by them at all. Have you asked him why they ended?

Shagged · 26/10/2019 23:24

Leaving a marriage yes (especially if there are DC) but I wouldn't say the same applies to leaving a relationship in the early stages

I honestly wouldn't read too much in to it

firstoffence · 26/10/2019 23:30

Not true. Men can just get fed up as well as women in a relationship and deep down most want a stable relationship too.

CornishMaid1 · 27/10/2019 00:02

It could be she ended it because they weren't that compatible (especially the short one). For the longer ones it could be they wanted different things (marriage/kids) or it could be the bloke didn't want to do the breaking up so pushed the woman into it. Doesn't always have to be down to an OW.

Iflyaway · 27/10/2019 00:08

He has never broken up with a partner before, they have always broken up with him

Well, there's a liar right there.

Good luck. You sound vulnerable.

rvby · 27/10/2019 00:23

How old is he? Short relationships are common in younger age groups. The length of his own relationships seems respectable tbh.

Also his sample size is three women. Hardly a significant number so you can't really say there is much of a pattern, I dont think. When you're talking about so few relationships, how they have ended may just be luck.

Why are you worried about this? Has something happened? Your op gives the impression that you are looking for something to worry about

Countryescape · 27/10/2019 00:26

In my experience and what I’ve seen of friends and family, yes that is usually the case.

Finchy19 · 27/10/2019 00:27

My friend hasn't broken up with anyone. He never wants to be the bad guy, so he just becomes unreasonable and then eventually they break up with him. He guides the relationship to its end but he doesn't do it - no OW ever. So maybe that's it?

rvby · 27/10/2019 00:28

Also why are you "trying to understand the relationship history" of another person? That's a fairly weird thing to fixate on unless they have given you reason to worry? Usually folk just give it a go when they are attracted to someone... it's not.meant to be this complicated...

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 27/10/2019 00:29

No they don’t, sometimes they just don’t want the person they are with 🤷🏻‍♀️ After 2 weeks let’s face it that’s Absolutely fine!

He has never broken up with a partner before, they have always broken up with him
Well, there's a liar right there
Oh you know him personally do you?? No thought not so you can’t really call him a lair then can you

BalloonWhisk · 27/10/2019 00:30

A friend of mine is getting a divorce. There’s definitely no OW. He’s just fantasising about a rosy future in which there’s lots of freedom. I think he’s deluded and selfish.

MMadness · 27/10/2019 00:53

Why is it important? Pulling apart his relationship history? What does it get you? Why not just accept a person for who they present as? Focussing on a person's past leaves no time to create a future. Its an epic waste of time. You'll begin creating your own conclusions to imagined scenarios. For what? Truthfully. What?

Anotherlongdrive · 27/10/2019 06:21

I know plenty of men that have ended relationships without an OW.

I do know plenty of people (and you see it here) both men and women, that stay in relationships long past when they probably should. Usually, guilt stops them initiating the split. Some of those will have an affair as their attraction to the OW/OM is stronger than their guilt. Some will just live miserably until the other person has enough.

Some are emotionally unhappy, but being in the relationship provides something else. Security, having someone around, someone to split Bill's and household stuff with. In some cases the spouse does most of the housework and they dont want to be responsible for their own washing. In this situation it's usually, women doing the housework.

Then again, lots of people having affairs rewrite history and make out their partner is boring, makes them miserable, nags, doesnt make an effort etc to justify their affair.

In this situation I would be thinking he was the type that you woildnt know if he was with you because he wants to be, or because he just likes the status quo. I would hate the thought of dp being with me just because it was easier than splitting. Even if he wasnt the type to be a dick, to get you to dump him. I want to be with someone who I know wants to be with me. Not just there because.

IdiotInDisguise · 27/10/2019 06:23

Maybe he did the stereotypical-bloke thing of just being an arsehole until they dumped him, because he couldn't face taking responsibility for the break up.

^^That

NameChangeNugget · 27/10/2019 06:43

It’s a MN standard response that’s rolled out.

Certainly not always the case

WelcomeToShootingStars · 27/10/2019 08:05

No. Men leave relationships for a whole host of reasons, just the same as women do.

But on here OW is the default response to any situation whereby a man expresses even the slightest hint of not feeling happy in a relationship.

IdiotInDisguise · 27/10/2019 09:29

I think the phrase “women leave when they are fed up and men when they find someone else” only applies to married leaches who are used to have all their needs serviced and who wouldn’t leave until they have a new “home setting” arranged or with 90% arranged.

I would say that in the case of your bloke, he might be one of those people who pushes people out because he has no guts to end a relationship or there is something wrong with him you are not yet aware of or... both.

BalloonWhisk · 27/10/2019 18:55

My experience with a friend who's asked his wife for a divorce is that he stopped making an effort years ago, the marriage went stale, partly because he used work as a way of not engaging with his wife and children in the evening and at weekends, and does virtually none of the parenting. His wife picked up the slack. Now he says the marriage is dead in the water, and wants out, and presented this to her as a fait accompli more than two months ago, but is still living in the marital home. I'm not sure what signal he's waiting for to move out...

Windbeneathmybingowings · 28/10/2019 00:04

No, I know at least 3 women who do this consistently. Every relationship they’ve ever ended has had substantial cross over.

Jane1978xx · 28/10/2019 00:26

My husband left me and there’s no other woman . Similar to someone said above he wanted his freedom. He’s a good dad but not interested in day to day things with a family and home. He can now do all the fun stuff with none of the boring. And he doesn’t have to listen to me nag (or in my eyes contribute)

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