Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Left by my partner, two little ones under 2. I'm struggling today

17 replies

3ll3nor · 26/10/2019 20:17

I have a thread in AIBU, some of you may have seen it but in summary:

My philandering now-ExP walked out on me 6 days ago leaving me with our disabled DS (22 months) and almost 6 month old DD.

I have mental health problems, PND and PTSD which I am in therapy for.

I'm very frightened at the moment as I didn't sign up to be a lone parent, least of all right now when I'm in a bad place as it is. I'm struggling.

Can any other single parents reassure me that it does get easier? I feel out of my depth.

I feel quite pathetic posting again so soon but today is a bad day

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 26/10/2019 20:21

I'm so sorry.

If he's seeing other women then it would drive you crazy if he stayed with you.

It really does get easier - it's tough at first but you will be OK. Can you speak to a health visitor for help? Do you have family or friends living locally?

Strangerthingshere · 26/10/2019 20:21

I've not been in that situation but I didn't want to read and run I have however watched a very close friend in a similar situation be left with 4 young children, and can honestly say that it has got easier for her so hang in there. Do you have any family of friends who can help support you?

user1019273703 · 26/10/2019 20:23

It gets better. I only have one but honestly you find ways to cope. I actually much prefer being on my own now and away from the controlling ways. You will have hard days don't get me wrong but I find I am having less and less of. I sometimes find it lonely but that will be alleviated when I am near family again.

Original poster

3ll3nor · 26/10/2019 20:26

I have my DM providing alot of support so I'm fortunate for that.

No sign of the health visitor since DD was a few weeks old though.

Its infuriating how men can choose to opt out and leave the mother shouldering all of the responsibilities.

Very thankful for all of the input from other MNers this past week, you lot are keeping me sane.

OP posts:

Startingoveragain1 · 26/10/2019 20:27

You'll be fine baby girl. You dont truly know the fight u have in u until u have to use it. And u will and u will smash it. I was there once. My ex actually made me homeless with 2 very young kids. No friends (as they were his friends) and no family (in another country) ive MH issyes since my teens. Dont ask me how but i found the strenght to make it through just like u will. What are your kid's needs? That's definitely an added difficulty but there's help out there. I work withing sen , you are not alone. Keep treating urself, medication can be a godsend. Its scarier to think about it than it is to actually do it. Trust me. You are powerful, ur ex is a twat.

Original poster

3ll3nor · 26/10/2019 20:27

Can you imagine the world in which we live if mothers decided one day they'd had enough and just upped and left.

Some of these men are beyond spineless.

OP posts:

gingeristhenewblack43 · 26/10/2019 20:29

I too didn't sign up to be a single parent, it was terrifying at first. But after a few weeks I realised that my anxiety and stress had eased because I wasn't worrying about where he was or what he was doing. I could focus on myself and my child.

You are stronger and braver than you think you are, you will get through this

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2019 20:34

It does get easier I promise you. I became a single parent when I had a 9 month old and 2 yr old. It should have happened 8months earlier but I was scared of going it alone. I finally plucked up the courage to get him to leave. It wa hard, still is some times (2 years on) but it really is so much easier.

I completely agree with what ginger says, a lot if it is easier because I only have me and the dc to worry about. The constant anxiety I had about keeping the peace with him has gone (mostly) it's one less person to look after. The moods and the black cloud hanging over the house left with him.

june2007 · 26/10/2019 20:34

Well some women do opt out and leave. (albeit less) And has he walked out on his children or just the relationship as it,s not the same .But saying that I imagine you are devastated at the moment. Have you contacted Gingerbread see if they have a support group near you? You can do this, many people do.

FabbyChix · 26/10/2019 20:40

It does get easier and it also gets to be a happier life. It takes time to grieve the end of a relationship it’s ljke a death you have to mourn. Make sure you get all your due moneywise and that he pays what he should. Try to also get some time to yourself to be you as well as a mother

Original poster

3ll3nor · 26/10/2019 20:41

He has asked to come and see the children once since he left, I suggested he take them to his parents because we are a long way off from being able to sit and exchange pleasantries in my front room.

He couldn't be bothered travelling to and fro so decided not to see them and nothing about him fills me with confidence about his intention to remain a consistent in their lives unfortunately.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the fact that the DC have been shouldered with him as a father.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 26/10/2019 20:41

Sending you a hug, OP. I was widowed without any warning when my DDs were both babies, and I still remember the panic and stress now, 28 years later.
But the good news is that you won’t feel like this forever. Every day that passes, and you and the kids are still alive, fed and watered, is a mini triumph over the fear.
Soon you can look back and see that you’ve coped for several weeks with no major disasters, and that starts to build your confidence and ease the anxiety. Nothing succeeds like success, as the old adage goes.
You will start to learn how to do things on your own. You will enjoy being free of the emotional upset your ex kept causing you. You will like being the boss in your own home, watching the tv programmes that you choose, not being lumbered with his washing etc.
After a few months, you’ll realise that life is feeling fairly normal and that it’s liveable, even though it’s not the one you planned.
And one day, like me, you’ll hug your grown up kids and feel a big sense of achievement in having raised your little family despite everything! God bless, OP.

justagrumblebum · 26/10/2019 21:14

Hang on in there OP. My utter waste of oxygen of an ex was removed from my home by the police when dd was twelve weeks old... at first it was utterly terrifying, and relentless (can't imagine what it is like with two ).

But 18 or so months down the line, it's much more manageable. Organisation is key. Absolutely key. And I am not a naturally organised person. What keeps me going when I am struggling is the thought that no matter how bad/stressful things are, juggling a toddler and full time work, they are so so so much better than if I was still stuck with useless ex.

Rrrttttt · 27/10/2019 21:35

When you're having a bad day dont hesitate to post/reach out .There will be bad days and good days , but the bad days will fade so be patient with the ups and downs of your emotions. Realisng the responsibility of parenting lies all on your shoulders is daunting at first. But you will find your strength like the thousands of single parents out there doing a fantastic job day in day out.

BuxbyFree · 27/10/2019 23:46

Its not the same circumstances but i left my abusive ex when my children 8 months old and 2.6. I also had PND and have PTSD.

You will be ok, your babies will be ok. Hes gone now so dont waste head space wondering where he is what hes doing

Itll be hard at first, its a shock to the system, but a few months of being on your own youll be so damn proud of yourself

Hes done you a favour OP, 6 months time youll be wondering why you didnt leave him!

Its hard at first but i promise you it does get easier, raising kids is bloody hard so i can only imagine the extra worry with a child with disabilities but honestly, it gets easier.

The best thing i did at the begining was put 8 month old DS into nursery so i could just have a bit of time to "stop" for a bit. I had to pay but it was for 6 months and it really helped with my mental health

Joloupic2019 · 28/10/2019 08:41

Hello, although I will never understand the challenges having a disabled child may bring, I left my ex due to dv when I was 8.5 months pregnant and also had a 20 month old child. He made things hell coming to "see" my daughter. Just got his foot through the door and caused all sorts of problems. In the end with 2 kids to care for poor mental health and dealing with everything I just upped and left moved over 200 miles away with the kids. I definitely didn't sign up for single parenting but I love my children dearly, some days all three of us have just cried all day and had some horrendous nights but they are better off without their father. At the end of the day all your children need is to feel loved and you can't do much else wrong. Everyone stumbles through motherhood no matter how they portray it. I honestly think when you have healed you will be so much better and stronger if you need help contact the health visitor yourself. I how you're feeling better soon

Nori105 · 28/10/2019 15:57

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there too. I have two children with ASD. Hubby has an affair 3 years ago and that caused my PTSD. He put me through hell and I took him back. It was the worst thing I could have done. Be strong and know that you are not alone. You and the children will be fine. It will take time but it will get easier. Big hugs. xxx

Flip