Am I just incredibly sensitive?? Please tell me to man up if I am!

[Sensitivesoul100]

My mum came over for a visit earlier, she was here for no more than an hour. When she left I sat and thought about several things she said that make me feel shit about myself but I seriously don’t understand if it’s just me so just looking for opinions on what you would feel in this situation.

1. She tells me I can’t wash dishes in cold water because i was washing up 2 items with the water running and if it was hot water it would have scalded my hands. I normally wash with warm water of course but it was 2 things that i was washing quickly. She also gives me a funny look when telling me I shouldn’t do it that way.
2. She’s made similar comments before so I knew before I even got the washing out she’s pass comment. She asks me how my washing gets dry on the clothes horse. I look at her as if to say how do U think it dries. She replies well I’d hang it on the radiators( which I do somethings but don’t have enough radiators for all my clothes) I say well this is how I do it, and with the funny look again.
3. Washing dried on the stairs to go up mostly ds1 clothes, she starts picking it up looking at it in dismay (funny look again) asks me do you iron these. I say no not really anymore ( since having ds2 6 months ago who is high maintenance, I figure the stress of me worrying about ironing isn’t worth it) but her pointing out makes me feel bad.
4. I have a chicken in the fridge with a date of the 30th Oct. I said I was cooking it during the week but didn’t get round to it so said I would have it next week before the 30th obviously. She gives me a massive funny look saying you can’t eat that it’ll be gone off. I say it’s fine cause it’s in date and if it was gone off I would smell it and know and would quite obviously not cook it. She then says i should have it in a different part of the fridge from where I have it. Maybe there is truth in that but just feels like an extra dig.
5. She also tried to tell ds1 how to wash his hands and how to cook something he knew exactly what he was doing ( he’s 12)

Writing it down it sounds ridiculous but this is what happens every time she visits, it’s always one thing or the other. I’m a single parent too which I feel is relevant, if I had a partner coming home who could deal with kids etc then I might have time (and the money!) to iron all my clothes and have the tumble drier on 24/7 to dry clothes. If these comments were mixed in with positive things I’d understand more but there’s no positive only negative.

Do I just need to suck it up??

Well she’s a delight isn’t she? You know she’s talking rubbish. Clothes dry perfectly well on an airer, that’s pretty much what they’re for. You don’t need to iron ever last thing. I don’t iron anything except my eldest daughter’s school polo shirts. I cannot be bothered. Who cares how she thinks you should wash a couple of plates?! Honestly, just nod and smile and carry on doing it your way. She’s ridiculous to point out every little thing and you know it. If you can, tell her to stop going on. You’re happy doing it your way and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I'd be pissed too. My mother is similar.
I can still remember one day 14 years ago when she came over and told me I was wearing too much blusher and didn't have good posture when we were riding.
And I am NOT a sensitive person usually. She just gets under my skin.

You aren’t being sensitive. I can imagine it’s annoying. My step mum can be like this and I’ve stopped having her in my house.

My gran was like this. I literally did nothing if she visited. We sat and drank tea. That's it. In the end I always visited her and still did nothing, told her nothing, heard her stories and drank my tea.

I took it as a sign of how small her life was. She needed to feel superior and that's how she did it by being picky over a washing line and how I cook peas ffs.

OP she'd be banned from my house till she learned to stop being a wanker.

DDIJ "I don't have her in the house but she has forbidden me to have anyone else in the house either"

How can she forbid you?!

It sounds like ke she loves making you feel like shit, she obviously makes sess the Unconditional Love memo, which is awful. I’m really sorry she treats you this way.
It’s a power game, and she is banking on you not biting back. You don’t have to be nasty, but it’s really important that you pull her up on it. Some naming and shaming of behaviour had been revolutionary in my family.
You can go for
“ please stop picking holes in everything I do”
“ do you realise that’s the third thing you’ve criticised since you got here, it’s really dull “
“ Be kind mum”
“ no more digs please, Ive has enough”

She s likely to deny, but it gives her food for thought. If things don’t improve you can up the ante, and you can also consider limiting time with her, or withdrawing altogether.

Do you have a sibling who can do no wrong?

Meanwhile read up on toxic families.
Life is too short too be around people who treat you like this. The main thing about bullies is that no one says no to them. They behave really differently if you do.

Best of luck x

If she's like this all the time I wouldn't suck it up no. It's awful of her to criticize you constantly and it sounds like she's been getting away with it for too long. Tell her you are a grown woman and you will do things your way but if you ever do need her opinion you will ask for it thank you very much.

@Ohyesiam
Yes I have an older sister who she never speaks to in this way, to be honest if she did I think my sister would tell her to get lost. It’s always been a running joke that she’s the favourite.

@WhiteVixen Thank you for just confirming it isn’t just me being sensitive, it helps to know it isn’t just in my head!

She's a cow. She's doing it to make you feel bad. You're not over-sensitive, and the things she's picking on you about aren't even a problem- not a single one of them. The aay you do things is fine!

I'd tell her to get lost then.
She can only treat you that way if you let her. Your house your rules.
I notice you defend your position on each point. You don't need to justify it. You're an adult in your own home.
I don't iron anything... I don't even own an iron
Chicken is fine anywhere in the fridge ... stand up to her for your son. He's capable of washing his hands. It's his home. His safe place.
It must be exhausting having someone watch your every move!!! I'm feeling anxious just reading that... you should tell her to stop it's your house if she can't tgen she can go home.

DM used to do this. I genuinely think she thought she was helping. DSis would smile and nod and ignore. I would argue ...

Not reacting and doing what you were going to do anyway works best.

It's always been a running joke that she's the favourite
Perhaps it has gone beyond a joke now.

Don’t worry about anything she said.

Except where you store raw meat. It’s meant to be at the bottom of the fridge so blood and germy fluids that may leak from it dont contaminate the other food underneath it. Bottom shelf, no food under it to be contaminated, job done.

She probably thinks she’s being helpful. But actually she’s being judgemental and interfering. Try not to let it bother you OP.

She may be? related to my mother.
It's not you OP. My epitaph is going to say "she tried to please her mother". Her best little cracker, when DD and I had mozzie bites, was "are you sure you haven't got bed bugs?".

I always thought it was me OP; that I was a funny peculiar, difficult person. It took 12 year dd to say "no, mummy I don't want to visit her for some of the holidays - how did you put up with her - she's awful". Honestly, a child could see it. And she reassured me mother was the difficult one; not me. I'd always doubted it.

Elieza do you think OP is so dumb she wouldn't spot a leaky chicken and take action? Would she eat those tomatoes it leaked onto, without any washing perhaps? Maybe Sensitive does do some stuff that might result in something less than ideal happening one day. Maybe like something bad leaking somewhere. I'm sure she'll cope with resolving it. I don't want anyone following me round giving a running risk assessment of everything I do. I'm a functioning adult. I can choose my own risks thank you very much. Sometimes I will lose out and someone else might be smugly "I told you so". I don't care. If I want advice I'll seek advice.

Sensitive that might be your answer "Mum, if I want your advice, I'll ask for your advice. If I'm not asking it's because I don't want it."

With my controlling BIL I immediately do the opposite of anything he tells me to do, even if it isn't what I want. He told me I must turn down the cooker. I turned it up. The food didn't turn out great but he knows that that bloody Towel "can't be told". He is most annoyed. He knows everything. I should be told. Still, he has learned to hold it in around me. I know he bitches about me behind my back because of it. I give no fucks. I am quite happy being a difficult woman who reacts badly at being told how to do basic tasks.

This kind of shit is very undermining. I agree it’s a power grab and a way of them feeling better about their sad, narrow lives.

Once you become aware of this and cease caring, they completely lose their power. If you no longer want to please then, there’s nothing they can say that will upset you.

I agree just challenging these statements in a matter of fact, not defensive way can be effective.

You’re not being oversensitive.

And I suspect there is some favouritism going on there.

It's not you, she sounds really really annoying.
Does she help you? Or is it all criticism?

She sounds like my mum. Old school mum, she tries to help with what she knows ( or is used to doing. ) they mean well... we just get irritated. I think it takes a bit of lip biting since Its ur mum and u do love her. Mine does my head right in. Even my kids know grandmas rules are different, we just follow them while shes around as she loves us and is doing her best given the life and circumstances she had to live

1. She’s right about the washing up in cold water, that’s quite gross.
2. You’re both wrong, washing line or tumble dryer.
3. Follow step 2, no ironing required.
4. If the date’s the 30th then you’re good until the 30th.
5. A 12 year old needs praise for cooking for themselves.

I’d probably do exactly what you have done. Nothing at the time and complain later! Personally I don’t think it’s worth falling out over.