Desperately sad

[sirmione16]

I cancelled my wedding back in July with only 5 weeks notice as I found he was messaging someone else, they'd met up twice and kissed in a bar. At that point our baby was 5 months old, he'd been talking to her since baby was 8 weeks old.

I decided to try and make it work. And for while I've felt positive. But these past 4 weeks or so I've just spent all my waking hours sad. Like, empty sad. I fill my days as much as I can just so I don't sit and think. I don't know who he is anymore.

And he is trying so hard, he says he loves me and made a huge fuck up. He promises to make it up to me for the rest of my life. He shows me affection and considers my feelings in his decisions, he's sweet and checks in on us throughout the day.

But I can't get what he did out of my head. If it wasn't for the baby, I'd be gone. No questions. But I feel like I'm grieving the life my little boy should be experiencing, the fact he won't know his parents deep in love, he won't know this beautiful house we bought together purposely for the family we planned and tried for so long to have.

I feel bitterly dissapointed in my partner, I feel life is desperately unfair and I'm in tears nearly every day over it all and I have no idea what to do.

Counselling is on a waiting list, I can't afford to go private. I have basically no money - all my savings went through maternity leave and I hate asking him for any. I feel lost.

I don't even know what I expect people to say back... I think id appreciate hearing from anyone who's left a relationship with an infant perhaps to reassure me should it happen (which I feel it may well do just don't know when) or people that have worked through something.

You feel sad and that is understandable. It is not your fault he decided to conduct an affair, that is all on him.

Your comment, "I have basically no money - all my savings went through maternity leave and I hate asking him for any. I feel lost" is a potential red flag re your partner. Why do you hate asking him for money; are you afraid of his reactions?. Never be afraid to ask him for money; why is it also that all your savings got eaten up on your maternity leave?. If he is supposedly that kind towards you now he would not see you and in turn your child to be in dire straits financially.

You cancelled the wedding and rightly so. But why did you then decide to try and make it work?. That is a question you need to ask yourself also.

I would not stay with him ultimately for the sake of the child and you do not have to stay with this man. Staying for the sake of the child teaches the child that the parents relationship was based on a lie. Its a terribly heavy burden to give him/her and he/she is not going to say thanks mum to you either.

What else has he done here to show how truly remorseful he supposedly is?. Words are cheap, its actions that matter now. Has he himself embarked on counselling sessions?. You reading "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass may help you along with the website called Chumplady. Again I would not want to stay with someone like this. How reliable are your friends and family here, can you lean on them for support. Keep posting here too.

Great advice from Atilla. You have every right to feel sad and betrayed Your P has ruined and tainted what should have been a lovely time with your baby and the sementing of your relationship with marriage. Your P talked to the woman for a long time and it was calculated, scheduled in and planned to meet her. Do you really believe it was just kisses? Why was it just that did she not fancy your Dp when it came to taking things further?

He's being nice but things can't just go back to "normal" you need to think if there is anything he can do to show you he is truly remorseful in a sustained way. It may take a long time to see if things will work out and you can find a new way to be together.

I'd get money transferred to you. Women often use their maternity pay up paying for everything that they did when working FT and all the baby stuff often too. It leaves us financially vunerable?

Mught you do counselling? Do you have people to lean on in RL? what do your parents (if close) or siblings think about him (do they know)?

He has put your through hell and a world of pain.

Thank you for replying. I'm trying to paragraph but they dissapear when I click post for some reason so will pop a dash where I'd paragraph./

I can ask him for money and he encourages me to, it's my own sense of pride that stops me. Obviously when I've had to, I do but I won't until its literally reading zero in my account and I need essentials (petrol, food, baby stuff etc)/

My parents and familys opinion is obviously clouded but they're very much in the view that whatever I choose they'll support me and even to the point of giving the resident in their rented out property notice and moving me and baby into that to help us for a few months. So I know practically I could survive and do it. Its just such a big change to get my head around./

I do believe he didn't sleep with her. For multiple reasons. But also I have no way of knowing for definite. So. That's that./

One of my conditions of trying was that we attended counselling sessions which he did arrange. Right now they've stopped because of his work (working 6 days a week currently, all legit, I'm part of the company too) the counselling helps but I don't feel it's going to resolve anything./ you're right in not staying for the baby. I'm just so angry and dissapointed because I truly believed he was the best dad and best example for any children I had. I believed he would support me through absolutely anything and my babies would grow up seeing this. But no. It's all crumbling like a bloody ruin./

Pooling resources is pretty universal between parents who live together. The fact that your pride won't allow him to contribute to the costs of his baby and your pregnancy suggests that you don't actually see him as a partner. Probably because you don't trust him. I don't blame you. I wouldn't either.

I don't think I could ever get over being betrayed at such a time. Perhaps your relationship has reached an end.

This man seems like he’s shown his true colours. He’s done it once so he’ll do it again and to do this to you in the first place shows his lack of respect for you. Your worth so much more than that! As a faithful partner you deserve this in return.

You’re very strong and sensible. There are posts on here by women who have forgiven infidelity but now live a life of watchfulness and suspicion, waiting for the next occasion. That’s a difficult way to live and best avoided.