I had a few relationships in my twenties which looking back werent quite right but were nice enough. i fell in love twice. i had all the excited feelings of meeting up with someone, first few kisses, i'd spend ages shaving and exfoliating!! i'd be hopeful that i would develop feelings and i did, even if much of it was superficial and only twice was proper love. i could identify with my peers and would be enthusiastic and optimistic.
the point is i felt things. i had feelings.
now? now i meet men and think about the practical side. are they in a decent job? have they got their shit sorted? basically, can i live my life as i want with a nice addition to it. ive worked hard to make sure i dont need anyone to the point where i literally just want someone to have sex with, split a mortgage and make me dinner now and then. im cold about it. i dont care about any feelings along the way. id do the same nice things for and with them if we were "together" but it never gets that far.. no matter how much i am chased, taken out for romantic dinners, have a laugh, feel wanted...i cannot for the life of my form any sort of feelings for anyone.
why has this happened? i can have a wonderful night with someone and feel open to doing it again but i dont actually care whether we do. i just close off.