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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has just told me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore

50 replies

Keeoe · 26/10/2019 16:43

That he's unhappy. That he doesn't want to be with me anymore. That he's been thinking it for a while. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I feel so alone. I desperately want to see him, to talk to him, but he's gone to stay at his office as he wants to 'get his head straight' and doesn't want to see me like this. I had no idea this was coming. I'm just sitting here going between sobbing and being in stunned shock. I'm not sure why I'm posting tbh. I dont have too much RL support so just after a kind listening ear I suppose. I feel so alone. He was the one person I thought I could count on.

OP posts:

TapertandEdkins · 26/10/2019 18:29

I have been in this very same situation. Nearly two years on and am divorced but it was truly awful in the beginning.
And I will echo what many have said, people do not leave what they have unless they believe what they are going to is better.
Be strong and try to be calm and in control when he is around.

stucknoue · 26/10/2019 18:36

@FizzyGreenWater possibly but not always the case. I checked the date h registered on the dating site - I registered a month before him! (We both waited a few months).

Angrybird123 · 26/10/2019 20:00

I agree that everyone has the right to leave a relationship but they don't t have the right ro unilaterally, with no warning or effort whatsoever to smash someone's life to bits. Its the OPs marriage too and shes been given no opportunity to look at whatever issues there may be. Thats what makes him selfish. 6 months ago, he could have said he was bored, sad, lonely whatever and offered the op the chance to work with him but he took that option away. The feeling of powerlessness is terrifying. Good luck. Op. Regardless of if he is cheating or not, this will be tough but its survivable. Get RL help asuch as possible.

firstoffence · 26/10/2019 20:49

You need to have a sensible sit down chat when you are both in the mood for it.
I don’t understand some of the advice name-calling your soon-to-be ex DH. If he had an OW you would all be calling for him to do the decent thing and leave. If there is no OW he will be in turmoil as well.

GothMummy · 26/10/2019 20:59

So sorry OP. My husband said the same thing to me 2 years ago so I know how you are feeling. It's horrendous, I felt like cold water had been poured over me. We had been married for 20 years and have two children. He has returned to the family home and left us again twice since then. Don't put up with that behaviour - I was trying to keep the family together but in retrospect it was a mistake.

There was another woman in our case.

Breathlessness · 26/10/2019 21:07

I’m so sorry. It’s really shit.

I know this is absolutely the last thing you’ll want to be thinking about right now, but how are you financially? Do you have a joint savings or current account? Do you have your own funds in your own account? Do you need to transfer funds into your account to be able to cover bills and pay for legal advice? Do you have proof of earnings for him? Any paperwork that shows his income? Anything to show what he’s billing monthly?

Breathlessness · 26/10/2019 21:10

Screenshots of paperwork and bank balances or digital accounts work as well as physical paperwork.

Original poster

Keeoe · 27/10/2019 00:50

Thank you all. My Dad has been to give me a shoulder to cry on and my sister has unexpectedly dropped everything to come and see me. Guess I have more support than I imagined. Thank you all.

OP posts:

vvbrownxo · 27/10/2019 01:39

Big big hugs to you xxx

Also why is it when there’s a post like this there’s always 6000 comments saying there’s another woman? I’m sure the last thing OP wants to imagine is her husband in bed with someone else?

Maybe he has just gone to get his head straight in his office? Why would he stay at the family home when he has just dropped such a bombshell

Mum45678 · 27/10/2019 06:47

Your poor thing OP. It is dreadful that he hasn’t given any option of working on things to save your marriage. I think in all cases this is the least someone can do but sadly it doesn’t always happen.

My ex never mentioned he was unhappy until he was balls deep in an affair. We have two young children and they were devastated (and still are almost a year on) when he left.

Get your ducks in a row and be thankful you don’t have children with him. Go no contact with him, it’s hard at first but I found the only way to really get over things. It doesn’t have to be forever but for now it’s really for the best. I hope for your sake an OW doesn’t come out of the woodwork.

CarolDanvers · 27/10/2019 06:53

Also why is it when there’s a post like this there’s always 6000 comments saying there’s another woman? I’m sure the last thing OP wants to imagine is her husband in bed with someone else

Because there nearly always is and they'll never admit it and the left person deserves all the facts. I've never yet seen a thread on here where a person left suddenly where there wasn't another person they were leaving for except in one or two cases where there were serious MH issues. I've never seen it in RL either. Might not be nice to know but far better to have all the facts imvho or at least consider the possibilities.

LFLM1 · 27/10/2019 08:29

I agree that anyone should be able to leave a relationship for whatever reason.....but getting married is technically a contract and at the very least he should have stayed and talked about it with you. Buggering off to the office so he doesn't have to see you hurting is cowardly. I, unfortunately, have seen married men do this time and time again (including my own father, ex partner and family members). They run once they want out, they never stick around to see the pain they've caused. It's very likely there is someone else....I am yet to witness a man leave without someone else to go to.

Robin2323 · 27/10/2019 11:32

Afraid I agree.
This has happened to me 3 times !!!!

The first time it never occurred to me there was someone else - there was.

The second time I asked and was told NO. (There was).

The third time I just said - 'what's her name ?' Lol

It can be the same for women but not always.

I once read that women leave because they no longer love their dp.

While men leave because they ' think' there is something better for out there.

You can see the problem can't you??

But it just goes to show the difference between men and women.

Original poster

Keeoe · 27/10/2019 19:54

I'm sure insofar as possible that there isn't someone else. He has a history of rash and/or poor decisions. I have sat crying most of the day. I feel so weak. I haven't managed to eat anything at all since it happened. I feel like my throat has closed up. My 2 poor dogs are wandering around looking for daddy. The poor little things dont know what's going on. I honestly dont think I can do this. I really dont. I'm not strong enough.

OP posts:

Clarinet53 · 27/10/2019 20:30

@keeoe it feels like utter shit at the moment and will do for the next while but you will be ok. You will start to function again. I was the same in April when my husband left. I couldn't eat or sleep and was terrified of the full responsibility I had been left with.

I have managed to keep the house running and look after our children and our pets.

It does get easier but just break each thing into manageable pieces. It will help.

You are much stronger than you think you are x

justjuggling · 27/10/2019 20:50

My exh said pretty much the exact same words to me, denied there was anyone else then moved in with the woman I discovers he’d been seeing for 7 months. That ‘loves but not in love/need space/suddenly decided doesn’t want to be married anymore’ spiel does seem to be depressingly common from men who are seeing someone else.

Glad you have support tonight. You’re stronger than you think, and deserve better.

Livelovebehappy · 28/10/2019 00:07

Another one who thinks there is someone else. Men will stay put even if marriages are less than perfect, because they really don’t like all the hassle and stress of the upheaval if they split. But if they have a replacement lined up, they will up and leave. It’s absolutely devastating for you right now, but things will get better with time. And at least having no DCs with him means you will never have to see him or communicate with him ever again once things are sorted, which means you will get over him quicker.

Millyanon · 28/10/2019 06:53

It's not always another person. Sometimes it doesn't work out. My DP left his ex because it wasn't right, and was getting toxic... And stayed single for more than 5 years before his next relationship. My brother broke up with his ex and didn't have anyone waiting for him.

The hard thing is the lack of communication and effort made into seeing if a relationship can be repaired. That was unfair.

OP, you will find the strength. He really wasn't all you thought he was if he can't respect your marriage enough to work with you through it. One thing at a time. Allow your family and friends to support you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 28/10/2019 08:54

keeoe you have no choice but to do this ! Many of us have been there and have thought the same thing - can't do it , what will happen to me, am I going to be on my own forever , I just want to die etc etc . It really is shit and I can't say otherwise but you will cope. Suggest you get a copy of the book Runaway Husbands . It helps put it in perspective .Other than make sure you freeze any joint bank accounts you are allowed to wallow for a while . I'm sorry this has happened to you as I know just how bad it is.

Meneenamenana · 28/10/2019 09:36

I agree that women are much more likely to end a relationship just because they are unhappy and men often seem to leave because they have someone else lined up. But either way, the person is unhappy, and they either can’t, or won’t, communicate. And long term, no one wants that in a relationship. OP is better off long term either way. Although at the moment it absolutely won’t feel like that.

Myusernameisunique · 28/10/2019 10:51

I’m in the same situation as you at the moment OP except we have kids. If I was in your shoes with no one else’s lives to think of other than my own I would throw the towel in and move on. I feel we need to try fix things for our DCs though, they deserve better than this. I’m a week in now and have mainly lost that sad feeling although it still upsets me to think what this could mean for my DCs. I’m more angry than anything now that he could do this to us. We’re meeting for a chat to try and sort some stuff and are on a waiting list for couples councilling but he’s very set in the way he feels. I’m of the mindset that the commitment of marriage and kids should mean more than just up and walking away when it’s tough but he just wants to run. I’ve started writing every thought down I have in my head and it’s really helping me. I can only eat a little but I’m going out, doing things and exercising to keep busy and try and move on. Someone on here posted a link to the 180, a method I’ve been trying to follow and is really useful beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/. Have a read. Hopefully it’ll help. Feel for you and I know exactly how you feel.

Original poster

Keeoe · 28/10/2019 18:52

So, he's here and he's talking to me. It's fairly apparent to me he's having some sort of mental health crisis. We're talking, which is the main thing. I think this may be salvagable. I've told him I will support him in any way I can with this but he has to open up to me. He's staying with me here tonight so we can thrash things out.

OP posts:

Interestedwoman · 28/10/2019 19:02

Not only has he got to open up to you and (arguably more importantly, at least in terms of his health, if that's what it is) to professionals who are in a position to help, he also has to not take whatever it is out on you.

You're not there to be his emotional punchbag xxx

Sethos · 28/10/2019 19:08

@plantainchips you didn’t miss something... @Dowser is just projecting her unhappy experience onto the OP and venting some bitterness.

666onmyhead · 28/10/2019 19:13

Fingers crossed for you both

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