2 people with low self-esteem dating

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I'm currently thinking about dating a friend of a friend. I know he's interested in me, we've got lots in common, I find him attractive etc etc. But, we both have issues with low self-esteem.

I've had counselling for mine and generally it's ok but in times of stress it really plummets and I have to be carefully not to let it spiral into depression. From what I've heard from mutual friend, the guy I'm interested in also has issues with self-esteem, and from time I've spent with him there are some potential signs that this is an issue for him, or he at least has low confidence issues.

Does anyone have experience of 2 people with low-self esteem dating and managing to have a healthy relationship? Or am I right in thinking that long-term this would be a mental health disaster for one / both of us?

I found it hard dating a man with low self esteem as he was constantly searching for validation through other women.

It can be very hard I agree. I used to have low self esteem and it repelled men with good self esteem and attracted men with low self esteem. Ive had xbfs who were abusive to me to make themselves feel powerful. Even later a bf with self esteem issues but not abusive exactly, he began to tell me what i was thinking, so our arguments couldnt be resolved.

Being abusive isn't a result of low self esteem ruecambon. There's a quote 'abusers aren't abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive' (Lundy 'why does he do that?'). Its the same with the 'poor me' act. They don't abuse you because they feel sorry for themselves/insecure.

Abusers might like you to think they have low self esteem to get you to excuse their bs out of pity though.

When you asked op, I already heard the warning bells. Yes, it is possible like yourself that he has self confidence issues. But it is also possible that he uses that as his cover for being a nasty pos. Its a worry also that its so bad, others have told you.

I would avoid this relationship, even more so because you have your own confidence to work on.

Don't do this to yourself, op. This relationship would only serve to undo any progress you have made. Dysfunction often attracts dysfunction and it never works out well.

@Pinkbonbon no you're missing a piece if you think that being abusive is not linked to a damaged self-esteem.

Of course it is. The decision who to abuse is conscious you're right about that part but the need to feel powerful by making others feel disempowered, that is not a healthy self-esteem.

Narcissism and tolerating narcissism come from similar damage manifesting itself in different ways.

I think people tend to go out with people who have similar levels of self esteem to themselves. Like someone said above, low self esteem is pretty unattractive to those who don’t have it.

I never said 'damaged' self esteem. I said low self esteem. Some argue narcissists have the latter, I disagree. I would say their self esteem relies on them stepping on others to make themselves feel good. They cannot self regulate their self esteem. They do not however, have low self esteem.

I think the fact you know this going in is a protective factor. With 2 people with low self esteem, the risk is that you are both so inclined to interpret the other's actions as rejection. But maybe some ground rules about consciously choosing not to assume the worst, and to communicate clearly, you can avoid that pitfall. A relationship built on mutual respect and love could be good for both of you. Low self esteem does not necessarily mean depression, or being abusive, or searching for validation through other women.

I agree that if he has a history of mental health difficulties then that would give you pause, but I am still inclined to think we don't get that many chances in life. I would just check, though, that you do genuinely like and fancy him, rather than just being flattered by his interest and wanting to be in a couple.

@Pinkbonbon, that's what I thought for a long time as well.

But the arrogance, entitlement, selfishness and the riding roughshod over others is borne out of ego that is not low. Their ego is hot air balloon that demands constant re-inflation. Self-esteem is more fixed and doesn't need others' validation.

The huge ego /low self-esteem abuser is a vacuum. His self-esteem is in the gutter because he hardly even exists. He needs others' reactions and responses to even exist.