Is lying about little things enough to break trust?

[whattheactualduck]

NC for this. Relatively new poster.

My OH has form for telling little white lies and lying by omission. For example he will choose not to tell me things so as not to upset me. Even if I ask a direct question he will lie to protect me, so he says. None of this is cheating related by the way.
The problem is I do eventually find out the truth and each time it takes a chunk out of the trust I have for him. It's causing arguments all the time as I now question everything and he's getting fed up of being called a liar.
I said this isn't cheating related, and it's not. But this has happened so many times now that I'm starting to think if he was cheating I wouldn't know as he's such a good "fibber" and he is able to look me in the eye and lie about the small stuff.
Is this just a man thing? I do hear from other people that their OHs often just lie for an easy life. But to me that's not a safe relationship. I have a strong need to feel safe due to suffering with PTSD and this is starting to consume my life. I can't talk to anyone in rl about this as the lie itself isn't particularly incriminating, most people would think I'm overreacting. However it's a build up of lots of little lies over a long period of time. We've been together 10 years and have kids so this is becoming very difficult.

It was around the 10 year mark that exhs little lies really broke us apart.

I couldn't believe anything he said because he could lie to me so easily.

I realised that it had chipped away at any love or respect I had for him. When it became clear I couldnt take his shit anymore he really ramped up the abuse.

That when I realised the little lies were abuse. It was his way of manipulating me. I woke up and realised I had spent our while marriage being manipulated into seeing things his way and doing what he wanted.

I was once out having a meal with a friend and he kept contacting me saying our daughter was asking when I was coming home and upset, she was 9. When I came home I told him the next day I was going to speak to her because its perfectly normal for one of her parents to go out occassionally until 10pm. I also said that she coildnt dictate when we could go out.

He made excuses for me not to speak to her about it. Once he told me, my daughter had said she had heard me on the phone telling someone I loved them. She was about 3/4 at the time. Again, when he finally believed me he told me not to speak to her as she was afraid I would be mad and he promised not to tell me.

Of course now I realised that it was all bullshit. He was paranoid I was having an affair, so said our daughter had said things. He was annoyed I was out, so said it was our daughter that wanted me home.

There were his worst lies. There were lies about money, how well his business was doing, potential issues flaring up. All to protect me, apparently. But it was actually to make sure I only had a one view of him and thought he was a fantastic husband.

He wasnt.

Another long drive thanks for your reply. Your exh sounds like a douche. This is my issue though... my OH doesn't lie like you describe, his lies are over little things. For example.
Me: have you heard from such and such?
Him: no
Me: really? As I thought they would have been in touch.
Him: nope, nothing. Stop asking me.

Find out later he did hear from such and such.

I have quite often worried I'm being emotionally abused. I'm NC with my entire family due to abuse so don't have a support network if I ever decide to leave him.

I can't trust my gut due to years of gaslighting and bullying by my family. I never know if I'm being paranoid or have a strong intuition. I'm told I'm paranoid quite a lot.
I'm extremely honest and struggle when others don't pay me the same respect.

Yes he was a douche

So in the lie you say he told there. Why did he lie about it? What was he protecting your from?

If the answer is he has no reason ri lie and wasnr protecting you, then he is a just a person who lies for his own ends.

So he may have said that person didnr call because he didnt want to discuss it at that moment. That's lying for his own interests and instead of being honest and saying 'yeah, but I am knackered can we discuss it later', he is manupiltaing you into doing what he wants, when he wants. That is manipulation.

The example you give is such a silly one. Can he explain why he did it? Was there a reason of some kind or was it completely pointless?

How often might this happen? More often than once a month?

It does sound like he's a douche in training, destabilising you. Practicing lying about small stuff and bigger will come.

Hi OP. Sorry but this does not sound good in my book. My ex did this to me ALL the time. He would do things like - break a cup then put it in the bin and deny all knowledge. He would lie about what he had for lunch or how many times he was up with our (then baby) and a million other things. He would lie about silly things that meant nothing. He also loved to over exaggerate things too.
I came to the conclusion that he got a kick out of it, and perhaps was a control thing.
He still tried to do it now but thankfully it doesn't affect me so much as we're not together.
So, I take a very dim view of liars! Its a dealbreaker for me.

In that particular instance it was a family member of mine whom I am NC with. I have made it very clear if any of my family contact him I want to know. He said he didn't tell me about it as he knew it would upset me. Which it would have done, however I asked to be told. That was my right to know. I have been driving myself mad for months as I KNEW this person would have gotten in touch and he kept denying it. I'm then made to look like I'm losing my shit over something relatively innocent. For the record he didn't reply to the relative.

For the record he didn't reply to the relative

How can you be sure?

Picsinred I'm ashamed to say I checked his phone. It was in his archived messages with no reply from him.
I am not proud of snooping and expect to get flamed for it.
The little lies tend to happen more frequently than monthly. He lies to other people aswell so it's not just me. As most of the lies are small and not about anything one would deem serious ive always just put it down to a personality trait. Everyone loves him. It's just recently got me thinking maybe he is capable of worse.

It does sound like he's a douche in training, destabilising you. Practicing lying about small stuff and bigger will come.

@jay55 has summed it up.

OP he didnt lie to protect you. If he respected you and wanted to protect you he would have been honest and not told you a lie that had you doubting yourself.

More likely than not he just didnt want to discuss it. So lied to stop the conversation. That's not ok.

It'll break you. You'll end up finding out about the bigger lies he's told later on down the line, and then you'll be questioning EVERYTHING! The trust is already gone, so what's the point in wasting time?

And I agree that was wasn't lying to protect you, he was lying to protect himself from having an awkward conversation or, Heaven forbid, telling the truth! If he can't discuss the small things, you're going to be f#cked when it comes to the big things.

My ex started with petty lies, even swore on our baby's life and would've rather looked like a pervert than be honest. These kind of people are doomed when it comes to relationships.

I can’t take lies. Does my head in.

They do it so they don’t have to deal with the aftermath.

EG “she will be annoyed with me if she finds out her brother phoned me and she’ll stomp round the house swearing and I can’t be arsed with that so I’ll control her behaviour to be more how I like it by not telling her...”

It’s not about protecting you it’s about him liking you peaceful because anything bad impacts on him. It’s about him caring more about himself than you.

If it were me I would have the convo one more time with his about respect and telling me lies is disrespectful and if you don’t respect me you’re outta here. Withholding information from me is not on. It can embarras me or make me look stupid in front of others. Next time I catch you telling lies we are through. I have put up with it long enough. If you don’t respect me you don’t love me and you can go. Seriously”. And I would put him out if I caught him doing it again. I can’t be in a relationship with a liar. I’d rather have nobody. But that could be me overreacting! It may not be the right path for you

If he lies about little things, he WILL lie about big things. A compulsive liar will never change and he will shatter your self-esteem. Run for your life.

RLEOM, I agree that the trust has gone. Has been for a long time I guess, I've just been trying to push it to the back of my mind and kept on as I don't have anything "major" to leave over.
Like I said, I am NC with my entire family. Due to my history of abuse and manipulation I am fully aware that I am vulnerable to these behaviours in my other relationships.
I am scared to go it alone when I don't have that family support. I have little children. I am also scared that the few remaining friends I do have will think I have really lost the plot if I leave him. They don't really understand why I have gone NC with my family and I quite often get gaslighted by them telling me "it can't be that bad" they also see OH being a great provider & father so they think I overreact and am paranoid. These little fibs just sound so ridiculous no one gets how unstable they make me feel.
Emotional abuse is invisible to all except to the one who is being abused I guess.

There's a very simple answer to him being fed up of being called a liar. STOP FUCKING LYING!

Dishonesty is the death knell of trust whether it a big one or a drip, drip of little ones.

He doesn't like being called a liar, but he keeps on lying.... Ok then.

The problem is that someone who easily lies about small things cannot be trusted at all, because they do not value truth at all. Most people do value truth, and so will only lie for good reason. If they do lie, they will feel bad, and it will be easy to tell, unless it is a 'white' lie and they genuinely believe it is saving the other person's feelings. Someone who doesn't value truth will lie as easily as telling the truth, and will do it for any and no reason. Why favour telling the truth over telling a lie, if truth has no value?

So with the example you give - either he has very good reason for telling you so-and-so didn't call, or he has no reason at all. Neither is good news, as if he has good reason to lie, then he's up to no good. And if he had no reason to lie, then he doesn't value truth and will lie or tell the truth as he feels like it and with exactly the same ease.

And of course you can't trust him - you would be foolish to do so, because he is a liar.

I still believe some men lie about little things all the time because its some sort of form of control. I've had 2 exes do this to me. Even when I've clearly told them I'd find the lie worse than the truth, they have continued to do it. They would have lied about what they had for breakfast and I honestly think its because they feel they have 'one up' on you. Its quite disturbing behaviour.

Christmasfluff I think you've hit the nail on the head, he just doesn't see any value in the truth. Why tell the truth when lying gets you an easier ride? Especially if you are clever enough to convince the lied to person they are the problem when your lie is uncovered.
OHs father is a notorious liar. This is obviously learned behaviour but I always thought OH didn't like this about his dad and would consciously not be like that.
OH is saying I'm the dishonest one as I am the one that went through his phone.
Someone else mentioned their exh would exaggerate also. OH does this, always over eggs his story so I never know what to believe. It's making me utterly miserable.