DD doesn’t want to spend time with my bf

[toobusytothink]

Seperated from husband last August. Met bf last Dec so been together over 10 months and we are serious.

Have only ever seen bf when I don’t have kids so every other w/e and Wednesday nights.

Couple of months ago dd (12) asked to meet him so he popped in for a few minutes. All seemed ok and she said he seemed nice and was pleased he makes me happy. Since then she has said she doesn’t want him around and would never spend Xmas with him (not sure where that came from - I hadn’t even thought about that ...).

Bf and I want to progress our relationship but I don’t know how if dd doesn’t want him in the house when she’s here 🤷‍♀️. We could continue seeing each other every other w/e and Wednesday for now but at some point we will want more.

Any advice on what to do would be appreciated. I have a very close relationship with dd and we talk about everything but I don’t know what to do for the best ...

Thanks

Wait a lot longer. This is absolutely the worst age to bring in a new partner to her life

Thank you - I will wait if necessary - she absolutely comes first

What's the rush?

Every Wednesday night and every other weekend sounds like a perfect way to day.

Yes I agree it’s absolutely fine - bf seems to think we should be looking to move things on but I’m not in any rush

It's all moved quite quickly. Tell your boyfriend to calm down and respect your family situation.

I don't think the fact that you've been together 10 months is the issue, but that there was, from your dd's point of view, "only" 4 months between her df and you breaking up.

It's a difficult age first of all.

Secondly, how did your DD process you and your husbands split? Was it civil or traumatic? What sort of relationship does she have with her dad? If she's super close to him as well, it might be causing her some angst having to get to know another male figure as she might feel guilty. Does her dad have a girlfriend? If so, does she get on with her?

Has she said anything about why she doesn't want your BF around? Does he make her feel uncomfortable? Or does she just not like sharing her mum?

It's normal to want to progress a relationship but I think you need to give it a bit more time and have some more conversations with your daughter about how you're both (you and your husband) moving on. It might be that your split and getting together with your boyfriend was too short for her to process and she feels you've 'betrayed' her father (that's if the relationship is civil and she gets on well with him).

If she has an older female relative (grandmother, aunt) who she gets on with, it might be worth having a chat with them to see if they can have a word with her that supports your stance. But nobody wants to feel hanged up on or forced into having a relationship with someone.

Thanks all. Yes she does feel I’ve moved on very quickly. I did try explaining that her dad and I had been working on things for a few years until we finally made the hard decision to separate but because on the surface things were fine she did struggle with that.

Everything friendly between me and ex. He has met someone else too but she hasn’t met her yet (and doesn’t want to)

Think she just finds the whole thought of me being with someone else weird.

Fine - I won’t push things thx

I will be led by her. As you all say (and she has admitted) although I’ve had years to get my head around the situation - for her, she’s still processing it all. I will 100% respect her feelings and ensure bf knows why, for now, we should just keep things as they are

4 months was not long enough after your ex (in her eyes). Explaining to a 12yo that you tried to work on the relationship for years etc means nothing to them. The bottom line is, her parents split up and she needs to come to terms with that first (and she clearly hasn't).
I've been split with my ex for over 2 and a half years and I'm still pretty sure my kids wouldn't appreciate me introducing a new man. Their Dad has just introduced his new girlfriend but I suspect my oldest (also 12) will start to resent her if she is always there when he has time with his Dad.

You need to think about Christmas and reassure her about that, tell her how the day will go, where she will be and who with.
It's a horrible thought that it's obviously playing on your dd's mind and she's worried she won't have a nice Christmas. It's a bit sad that your question after she revealed such a heartbreaking concern wasn't 'how do I make sure dd has a great Christmas' or how to make sure she's looking forward to it, but instead you go straight to 'what about my bf'.

It must be very hard for her I know.

ISmellBabies - bit harsh! I’ve made it clear she’s my priority- you’re right - she obviously is concerned and of course that worries me but I never said “what about my bf” I asked what to do for the best ...

I'm not sure what you want anyone to say.

It seems to me that it would have been best to wait and have DD get used to the separation before starting to date someone else.

She's had her entire life ripped apart.
May be harsh but it doesn't seem like you thought about that before you got involved with the new guy.

Others have asked what's the rush?

You've only know him about a minute and are giving the impression that he's the one. You barely know each other.

If you want to put your daughter first, cut back on this relationship and put the time into your DD and helping her get through this time.

You may say you are, but your actions and her feelings say different.

I think there's a line between respecting her wishes and not letting her dictate your life and relationships.

I think if given the choice most kids would choose to have their parents all to themselves, that doesn't mean you need to be single until she moves out.

It does all seem quite fast though, I waited 4-5 years after my split with exh to introduce a man to my kids, we had a few teething problems but I'm glad we persevered as it's all good now.

Why doesn't she like him? Did he say or do something to her?

I think at 12 you also need to factor in what het friends/peers are telling her about "mums boyfriends", real, exaggerated and imaginary.
You sound sensible and kind. Keep reassuring and communication open.

A friend of mine at work who is 28 said that when her parents split up (think she was about 8), her dad got a new girlfriend. She said she HATED that every time she saw her dad, the new girlfriend was there and she started to resent her.
Just giving you an adult perspective from someone who went through it as a child.
All I'm saying is that make sure when you eventually start to involve your bf more, ALWAYS have lots of time just the 2 of you.
Its nice to see you are being sensitive about her feelings.

I think she might have mentioned Christmas because Christmas is a family thing, and someone new coming into the picture can sometimes make it too weird to be enjoyable. Take it from someone who's parents have split too - going from spending every Christmas as a family, to trying to work out how to do it apart, or with new partners.. it's confusing, and definitely for a child at that age.

She needs reassurance that Christmas will be fine, she will still see her dad, and that this doesn't affect her relationship with you in the slightest.

I think 10 months is quite a short space of time to be taking things full-on to be honest, so I would carry on seeing him weekends and Wednesdays, and making sure your daughter gets proper quality time outside of these times.

She is used to being the most important person in your life now, and while that is of course still true, it can sometimes feel different, as you need to make time for a new important person.

She will just be confused and maybe a little bit scared and unsettled.

Incidentally, my parents splitting up ruined Christmas for me. It went from a lovely, warm, family time of year to being a time where I - as a young person - had to find a way to make everyone happy. All I could think about when my brother and I were with one parent was the fact that the other was sitting on their own. At Christmas. It made me sad, and even now that I'm 29 I don't want to "do" Christmas anymore. I would rather it didn't happen. Those years absolutely spoiled it for me.