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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it PND or was he being a jerk or a mix of both?

34 replies

pndorsad · 25/10/2019 17:15

I had to name change for this. He knows I post on here but hopefully he won't read it this time.

There's a substantial amount of context so please bear with me.

I just gave birth a few days ago. I tried very hard not to have a c section, but I had no choice in the end. I almost died the first time 9 years ago when I had my DD. My exH was fairly abusive when she was born, she was an unplanned pregnancy and he'd become fairly violent because I didn't want to have sex with him (he left a whole in the wall when we moved). I suffered horrible PND that made me forget most of her first year and also had bonding issues that still exist to this day.i divorced and met my now DH. We are a great match and love each other very much. Our main issue is that neither of us is particularly tidy and I struggle sometimes to get things done. I'm very ashamed of this and sometimes he helps sometimes he doesn't. And every little change I make goes unnoticed by him.
His exW has OCD and is extremely clean.

Yesterday was our first night at home. We had leave everything on hold at home because we thought we'd be back from hospital but instead I was admitted for a whole week. Needless to say when we came back the house was in a state. We cleaned as much as we could and settled for the day.

Because of my c section I can barely move (it was a much longer one to correct the issues from the one I had many years ago) and to say that I'm in pain is an understatement. I also have inverted nipples.and the baby won't latch, so have to express.

When we were about to.go to.sleep he mentioned how the house was a rip and we needed to do something about it. He knows it's always a touchy subject and I didn't feel it was the right thing to talk about just before going to bed. I was tired, in pain, and frustrated that even the most basic things like getting in and out of bed are very difficult for me.

We ended up having a shouty fight which only ended when I said that when I compare myself to his ex wife I feel like an utter failure. He apologised but then it turns out that he sometimes apologises to keep the peace but not because he means it, so that only builds even more resent.

Today I woke up not feeling great. I tried to get on with our day but then got triggered when I heard a lullaby (baby was sleeping) and started crying like a maniac. I apologised to tr baby for bringing him to maybe not the perfect family. My DH came in and calmed me down but I haven't felt 100% again.

I'm just so sad and angry and worried it's going to happen again. I don't know who to talk to and I just feel so lost.

Thank you for reading my rant.

OP posts:

Siablue · 25/10/2019 17:23

Congratulations on your new baby. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.

I think that this is a situation where your husband should be helping you. You were in hospital for a week. Where was he? He could have done something in that time.

Have you got anyone ele who can support you? Recovering from a c section caring for a newborn and expressing is a lot to be getting on with. A caring husband would be providing support to you at this time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2019 17:30

We cleaned as much as we could and settled for the day.

he mentioned how the house was a rip and we needed to do something about it.

I’m sorry what?

Forget having a newborn for a minute, you’ve just had major abdominal surgery and spent a week in hospital. There is no “we” about it. You’re the patient, you don’t lift another bloody finger.

Remembering you have a newborn, and are expressing, dedicate yourself to living on the sofa or in your bed, eating, drinking plenty, cuddling your baby and resting.

He’s taking the piss expecting you to do fucking housework. If he’s not happy he can do it.

Interestedwoman · 25/10/2019 17:30

Pain can also really effect someone's state of mind, temper etc, make someone more snappy. This is not to say it's your fault, jus one of those things, and he shouldn't have said that anyway when he knows you can't do anything about the house at the mo.

Your DH should be helping more- if he can't do it he should hire a cleaner for a while, it's affordable if prioritized.

Everyone is more sensitive after a row, and when in pain etc.

I think it's too soon to say it's PND, but if you're at all concerned chat to your GP/health visitor or whoever.

Congratulations and wishing you a good recovery xxxxx

Interestedwoman · 25/10/2019 17:32

Sorry, he shouldn't be helping, he should just be doing it or getting it done :)

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2019 17:33

Can people stop saying “helping”? It’s his house too. His mess. She’s had surgery and needs to rest. It’s been a week. Keeping everything going is his job right now.

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/10/2019 17:42

What the fuck was he doing while you were in hospital?

GettingPdOff · 25/10/2019 17:45

He needs to tidy up not you ffs!!!

ShitOnIt78 · 25/10/2019 17:45

Why has it got in a tip?! Surely he should have kept on top of things! You cannot help, you've had major surgery. Tell him to stop being a lazy prick and clean it himself!

Quartz2208 · 25/10/2019 17:50

You were in hospital for a week how on earth did it get in such a state

Either he was with you a lot of the time so would not need tidying

Or he was there a lot and could have tidied. Then when you got back he made you clean and then mentioned again how much of a tip it was like it was your fault even though you had been in hospital for a week

Original poster

pndorsad · 25/10/2019 17:54

He would stay with me most of the time. He'd go go home, feed the cat and dog and take the dog for a walk.
I agree he could have done more but frankly I didn't mind. I was just happy to be home and start the new chapter in our lives.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 25/10/2019 17:57

But he did mind he is the one who isnt stepping up and helping then making you feel like you fall short of his ew wife

Original poster

pndorsad · 25/10/2019 18:02

TBH it's me the one that makes the mental comparison with his exW but it's hard not to make it when she's super clean and I'm not.

OP posts:

seven201 · 25/10/2019 18:03

Definitely he's 'just' being a jerk. I had a c-section and was in hospital for 5 days after, when I got home I didn't do any household chores for at least a few days. I needed to sit or lay down and look after the baby. He needs to step up and start acting like an equal partner who has a recovering partner and newborn baby.

Side note, my friend has inverted nipples and the only way she could feed her two dc was with nipple shields. It was a lactation consultant who suggested it. Worth a try.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2019 18:12

His ex is a distraction from the main issue which is him bullying you into housework when you’re home from hospital, recovering from surgery and trying to care for your new baby.

Where’s your older child?

Gazelda · 25/10/2019 18:14

You were justified in being angry. You are justified in being sad. You've been through the mill the last 10 days and are still affected by the surgery and having a tiny new baby. Don't start fretting that this means you're developing PND. Anyone would be emotional if they'd been through what you have.

You may develop PND, you may not. But you stand a much better chance of avoiding it if you rest, snuggle, concentrate on you and the baby. And helping your elder child to adjust to the new family dynamic.

Your DH needs to take control of the housework. He needs to take all unnecessary worries away from you. He needs to be reassuring you that you are, in his eyes, the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to him and that he is eternally grateful that you've come into his life.

NameChangedNoImagination · 25/10/2019 18:17

His mistake was the choice of the word 'we' instead of 'i'

Original poster

pndorsad · 25/10/2019 18:31

My DD is with her dad. He eventually did a 180 and became a very good dad.
Yes, it was a very hard birth. I was just happy to be home

OP posts:

BallacheForLife · 25/10/2019 18:45

OP does he not realise you've had surgery or something?! Why is he expecting you to do housework?

Applesanbananas · 25/10/2019 18:57

Agree with Anne. My dh got a cleaner to come in and take care of the house after I had a cs. How dare he even bring that topic up to you. You shouldnt be doing any housework. It's not you its him.

Serenschintte · 25/10/2019 19:05

Congratulations on your baby!
You’ve just had a baby and major abdominal surgery to boot. There should be absolutely no housework for you. Your are occupied with healing, feeding your baby and establishing your milk supply.
It’s understandable to be concerned about getting PND again (I her similar concerns with my second). Please tell your midwife when she comes to see you.
And I’ll say it again, no house work or any kind for you. Other than maybe picking up a cup of tea your DH has brought you or telling him where to put the clean baby clothes he has washed and dried for your new child. He needs to step up. When I kar my second my DH did all the housework and looked after Ds1. He lost 10lbs in 2 weeks! 🤣 I looked after our new baby. He did some nappies and cuddles.

Original poster

pndorsad · 25/10/2019 19:06

He said he just wanted to have a conversation. But there is nothing I can do at the moment. And those conversations go nowhere because I just get annoyed, feel like a personal attack on me and nothing changes. Talking about thing doesn't change anything, we both have to do something about it, but last night was the worst time to bring it up.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 25/10/2019 19:09

Come on, OP - your partner was on his own in the house for a few days while you were in hospital after major surgery. You come home with a lovely new baby and he says the house is a tip. So why didn't he sort it out while you were in hospital?

Don't let yourself get depressed about this. Tell him that he needs to sort it out as you can't do it now, given your CS and everything else.

Honest to god, I bet if he had major surgery while you were at home he wouldn't be thinking it was his fault the house was in a mess!

Scott72 · 25/10/2019 19:23

wtf is wrong with him? Is he seriously expecting OP to clean the house in her condition? Does he feel resentful at her that she isn't up and about cleaning? Geez.

Original poster

pndorsad · 25/10/2019 19:46

He said he prioritised me and that's why he really didn't clean.

OP posts:

Original poster

pndorsad · 25/10/2019 19:48

Yes, I felt bad about the state of the house too. That's the reason why I helped tidying up even after we've just arrived from hospital.

OP posts:

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