NC for this.
I really don't know what I'm looking for here but I need to put this out of my chest and can't with anyone in RL.
I'm married and have 2 kids. Very happy marriage, no problems whatsoever. Husband is lovely, takes care of all of us, sex life is very active and hot. No money issues. Nothing wrong, really. We've been together for 17 years and are incredible compatible in all areas and I've always thoughts I was so lucky to have found my soul mate, who I'm going to grow old with.
I spent 2 years as a full time mum, put a break on my career so to take care of the kids when they were very young. I went back to work this year, and I feel great and myself again.
The problem is what I could never ever imagine could happen. I feel I'm developing feelings for a work colleague. I can't even believe I'm writing this down. He's my manager, we work very close together and I have no idea how this happened but I get this teenager feeling when I look into his eyes, I feel nervous, I have an almost uncontrollable urge of been close to him, I look at his hands and I want to hold it! If he looks into my eyes or smile to me I feel my knees weak...
He's also in a relationship, not married and I've no idea for how long.
In person we keep things cool and professional, but sometimes ours eyes meet in the middle of a conversation and I feel trapped and I can see the way he keeps his eyes into mine too, I'm sure is not just me...
We work a lot remotely and when we talk to each other by text is when he seems to have the guts to keep things a bit more dubious iykwim. He compliments me...he's kind above normal, he plays cool, he says things that I can see could have been said more straight and professional but he decides to say them in manner that leaves it open...generates doubt, you know how? I see the way he looks at me if we are alone, and it's not cold professional...and he's dead cold and distant with other ppl, but not me.
Sometimes I think I'm imagining all this and it's all in my head, I've managed to put this aside many times, but then it ends up coming back when I see a sign. I can't stop thinking about been together with him. I've even kissed my husband one day and it was him who came into my mind. I felt sick to my stomach and a horrible person.
I genuinely love my job, it took me ages to find the right one, and I don't want o leave. I also can't think about the option of destroying my family and the solid relationship I've built with my husband.
I'm very lost and don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want from this post...I don't understand what's happening to me, really don't.
Please talk sense to me.