I have a friend who got married a few years back, she lived with him for maybe a year or so before he proposed.
They are both in their forties. My friend was previously in a long-term relationship that was mentally and physically abusive. She has four adult children from this relationship. Two of them have mental health issues. One has Apergers and can be very aggressive, but has nevertheless made a good life for himself with a decent job and partner. Sadly the youngest has more serious learning difficulties and mental health issues and although he is 19, is unable to work, manage on his own , cook, shop etc., so he still lives with my friend and her newish husband. For the most part he is affable and sociable, but enjoys spending time gaming on his own in his room and chatting to friends.
When my friend met her now husband, she knew he was a bit of a "lad", he even admitted it. Apparently he had also been in an abusive relationship and his ex partner was very physically violent towards him. When he met my friend, he said he knew she was the one for him and they seemed really well-suited to each other when I spent any time with him. He said he wanted to settle down and no longer be a "lad".
Sadly, lately, I have had several phone calls from my friend in distress about him not coming home until 5 in the morning. Not letting her know he is going to stay out late. And he has started doing cocaine again. Apparently he used to... but stopped. My hunch is he only stopped because neither of them have any money, he gave up working because of being depressed apparently, so money is tight.
On a couple of occasions now he has been verbally abusive towards her after taking cocaine. The next day he is apologetic and she forgives him. The last time he called her son a HORRIBLE derogatory name, something like he is a "spaz" and said he was fed up of him being in the house and making a "noise" and that he was going to leave her and live somewhere else. Again, he apologises the next day, sometimes his parents get involved, he is "nice" again but then he will do or say something so hideous I have no idea how she can let him back in the front door.
One of the awful things he did recently was to sell one of her son's playstations to get money for alcohol and drugs. This is while my friend was in hospital as she has ongoing health issues. She found out when she was discharged.. again, his parents get involved, give him some sort of verbal slapping and things go back to "normal".
Last time I saw them he was stoned and was very obnoxious, racist and shouting about immigrants stealing our jobs. I have seen this side of him before and find it truly bizarre that my friend married someone like this. My ex smoked a fair amount of weed and was not like that at all, if he had cocaine, however, a different story would be told. It is definitely cocaine. I recognise the signs having been around it.
I am worried about her. I have told her this is abuse... and she was abused before and it's happening again. Why does he not go and find a job? How is he funding the drug habit? She seems fine every time he apologises, but then he kicks off again and she is devastated.
I have bitten my tongue around her when I talk about him, because I really am starting to dislike him a lot and some of what he has said and done is unforgivable.