Teen daughter in abusive relationship.

[LilyRat28]

I've namechanged for this obviously because I'm going to link my DD to it. Happy to be checked out by MNHQ or message previous UN to those who ask.

My DD is 16 and she's been in a relationship with a 16 yo boy for 4 months now. Nothing about this relationship is healthy in my opinion and I hate seeing her so messed up by it. She's confused, anxious and sad so I offered to make this post to get her some advice and maybe help her see how unhealthy this all is.

So the boyfriend has told people on Instagram he is gay, has sent photos of himself in DDs underwear to other men on instagram too. DD had been messaged the photos but they were conveniently deleted from her messages, probably by the Boyfriend as he has history for reading her messages.

He tells her what to wear, tells her if she leaves him he will kill himself, he emotionally abuses her with constant guilt tripping until he gets his own way, he pouts and sulks if he doesn't get sex even when she's been in pain due to a UTI, he has sexually assaulted her (inserting fingers vaginally after she said no and accidently "slipping it in" while hugging her after she refused sex.

He's manipulative and dangerous imo and I've never seen her so cut up about something. He spends all his money on her and love bombs her constantly so she feels unable to leave him because of this. Also it's the anniversary of his baby nephews death next week and he often uses this to blame his behaviour on so she feels guilty about leaving him while he is grieving too.

She wants to leave, she knows it's not healthy but because he tells her how much he loves her and spends so much money on him she doesn't think she can.

She spends a lot of time at his house and his family are very unpleasant and very homophobic which is probaby why he's hiding his true sexuality.

I'm sorry it's so long and rambling but I wanted to get everything across so I can just direct DD here and hopefully you can help her see sense because there's nothing more I want in this world than my happy bubbly daughter back again.

Ditch by text and block him on every social media, delete his number etc

Hi op.
She must really trust you to be able to tell you these intimate details, thats a really good thing that you are aware.

Do you talk to her about what a healthy relationship is.

I am a women's aid ambassador, They have recently released a campaign to target coercive behaviour in teenage relationships. I will see if I can link it.
She can also contact women's aid for advice.

www.womensaid.org.uk/controlling-behaviour-in-relationships-coercive-control/

thehideout.org.uk

Just because he buys her things and says he loves her does not mean she cannot leave him!
She is not his possession for him to own. This is an abusive relationship. He knows what to say in order to get things his way. He comes across very manipulative & controlling. Your DD can speak to the police about this which I'd suggest doing and I'd also report the sexual assault!
I'm so sorry you DD is going through this! Especially at such a young age

There is no way in hell I would allow my 16 year old DD to step foot in his house or go anywhere near him. He sounds unhinged and dangerous. She is a child and you have to protect her. The poor thing is being abused in many ways.

I agree with Hercules. Dump and block.

The first thing your DD needs to know is that we are never as responsible for another person's happiness as he is trying to make her. Threats to hurt himself if she leaves him are purely about control, it's highly unlikely he would follow through and even if he did it would not be her fault, we are all responsible for our own actions.

Secondly she needs to know that relationships are not supposed to be like this, especially not at 16. She needs to have a really honest think about what good things this relationship brings to her life, because being with someone is supposed to enhance your life, otherwise what's the point? I suspect there won't be much on her list which, if she really thinks about it, isn't all about him and what he needs and that's a really big red flag, relationships should be mutually beneficial.

And thirdly, she needs to know that she deserves to be happy. His happiness does not trump hers and she is not obligated to sacrifice hers in order to maintain his. It might be an idea to buy the online version of the Freedom Programme (£12 and worth every penny) and go through it with her, lots of info there about abuse and how to spot it freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Also see if you can get her to read this book, even just the 'Types of abusive men' section would be useful if she won't read the whole thing www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Hi, OP and OPs daughter.

I've been with boyfriends who sound like this one. I ended up trapped with one, who I had a child with in my twenties.

It took a lot of strength to leave for good, but it was the best thing I did because he really messed with my head. I'm only just going to get some help to cope with the trauma.

I thought because he owned his house outright, had a lot of money and he effectively bankrolled me because I didn't work because I am chronically ill, and then had his baby, that I owed him something because he made me believe it.

I spoke to Women's Aid in the end and had their support. It really helped.

I have two daughters and I hope that neither of them let anyone treat them this way. Please don't settle for this guy treating you this way. He is using you as a cover for his homosexuality, he stops you leaving by spending money on you. And what he has done to you when you have said no is rape and sexual abuse.

You can do the right thing.