I hope it’s ok to post on here. I’ve seen a few threads about non-Mums posting but the advice offered here is blunt but intelligent and helpful and I feel that’s what I need.
Background - my Dad cheated and left my Mum when I was about 21. It happened over the holidays when I was back from uni. He left for the OW, then a few weeks later came back. My mum let him come back but she is cold, shows no affection (neither does he, to be truthful) and they both got very very low. I’m in my late thirties now and they’re still together, but I wouldn’t say they‘ve ever been happy. Before or after that!
My ex husband was my bf at that time. He was in the house when my Dad left. He watched my family fall apart, saw the fall out. He married me a few years later, then started doing things behind my back and left for someone else 3 years later. That was 2011.
Unsurprisingly, I struggle to trust, now. I’ve met a handful of nice guys since then, but everytime I start to like someone it’s like I’m in a pressure cooker. The feelings are building and the insecurity grows - I’m not good enough, they’ll leave, and it’s too hard, way too hard, until I let the pressure valve go and find some stupid reason to end it. It’s happened again in the last few days, and I’ve hurt someone again, and I loathe myself. He wants to carry on, but he’s angry and confused, and I don’t blame him.
Why do I do this? Why can’t I relax, and let myself be happy with someone? Psychotherapy has helped, but still not enough. Focusing on work, social life, didn’t change it. Nothing lasts longer than a month or so, and I feel desperately sad.